An Overdue Update

Hi, everyone! Sorry I have been so slow in posting an update. I was so exhausted the couple of weeks before the holiday break that I just didn't have the energy and then Joe, Michael, and I were visiting family in New Jersey over most of the break.

I know the last time I posted I said I would put up pictures of Michael and his now girl friend, Brittany, from winter formal. Here they are:






We are only just getting to know Brittany, but she is very friendly and funny and she and Michael get along great. Plus, she is planning on going to NAU next year, too.

We had a wonderful Christmas. Joey came down from Flagstaff Thursday morning and then had to go back up on Saturday because of work. It was a short visit with him, but so great to get to spend time with him. I know I say this all the time, but I miss him terribly. He loves his job as a cook at Black Bart's Steakhouse and really enjoys the people he works with. We got him a new longboard for Christmas and he is very anxious for the weather up there to warm up so he can use it. Janaya and Andrew spent Christmas Eve with us. We had dinner and then played games. We are slowly getting to know Andrew more and more and are glad he is becoming a part of our family. Michael got a new mountain bike. He plans on using it a lot when he goes up to Flagstaff next year for school. He spent Christmas afternoon out riding it on South Mountain. We somehow forgot to take a whole family picture this year, but here are a couple of pictures from Christmas Day.






The day after Christmas, it was off to New Jersey! We had a wonderful visit! We got to spend time with Pam and her family, as well as Joe's parents and his brother, Sim's, and sister, Sue's families. Joe's family considers Pam and her family part of their family (she and I are kind of a package deal!). On Tuesday, Pam and Jim had arranged for us to go into New York City and see the Christmas show at Radio City Music Hall. It was fabulous! Then, on New Year's Eve, Pam's family and ours went up to Joe's parents. Again, it was a great time. All of the kids get along wonderfully, though it does get pretty loud at times. We ate and played games all night. The next day, Sue and Sim brought their families down to Pam's house. It was a wonderful visit and I was sure sad to say goodbye. Here are some pics from the visit.









Not much news on the cancer front, except that when I went back for my chemo on the 23rd, I asked Dr. Wendt to not draw any more tumor markers until I've finished this current course of chemo and have had a chance for my body to recover some. I had been back to see my radiation oncologist, Dr. Tannehill, and he wasn't as convinced as Dr. Wendt that the rise in my tumor markers definitely meant cancer. There are a few other obscure things that can make them rise. So, I decided to get off the emotional roller coaster for a little bit and just enjoy the holidays. I will be done with this course of chemo at the end of this month and then I just want a chance to feel good for a little bit. Then, we can see where I stand and make a plan.

Ending on kind of a serious note today. Just a couple of days before Christmas, a mom of two students at our school passed away after battling cancer for over six years. Her family had moved here for her husband's work just a year ago and they had no local family support at all. The staff at our school adopted this family and did everything they could to help them through this difficult year. Last spring, I learned about this family through our school nurse. Since I was feeling somewhat better from my chemo and was home full time, I offered to help. I could cook, clean, do laundry, babysit, run errands. Instead, I was simply asked to be a friend to this woman; to visit and talk and be an emotional support. It took me a couple of weeks to get up my nerve and contact her; I'm pretty shy around new people. We arranged to meet and I spent about two hours visiting at her home. She shared her story of all she had been through over the previous years battling cancer. When I left, I gave her my phone number and my email address and told her to please contact me if I could do anything at all to help. However, I never contacted her again. Hearing her story at that time was just too scary for me. It is hard sometimes to not let your mind go down the road of what ifs and listening to her story made those what ifs seem all too possible. I felt bad for not being there for her like so many others at my school were. I tried telling myself that she wasn't calling me either, trying to make myself feel better. But, in reality, I had closed off a big part of myself to her. It is the same reason I haven't joined a support group or participated in the many online communities for breast cancer patients. There is still a big part of me that wants to deny that this has really happened to me. The reason I'm telling all of you this is because I want to say thank you to all of you who love me and support me and aren't afraid to make a place in your heart for me. You are all what makes life so beautiful and worth fighting for.

With much love,
Martha

Not Sure What This New News Means

Hi, everyone. I've gone back and fortrh with myself over whether or not to post this new news or not. Maybe if I wait something will come up that makes it not seem as bad as it is, I keep thinking to myself. In the end, I've decided to post because I not only use this blog to keep everyone updated, but because it has also become a therapeutic journal of my experiences, too.

Dr. Wendt drew lab work this past Wendnesday before giving me my chemo; just like he does every time. When I went back the following day for my Neulasta shot, he had gotten the results back. My alkaline phosphatase has gone back up to 287 and my tumor markers almost doubled, going from 34 to 60 - no longer in the normal range.

There is really no explanation for it except that there is cancer somewhere. We will repeat the lab work when I go back in two weeks and if the markers are still elevated, more tests will be ordered, an MRI or bone scan.

So, as always, this journey continues to be an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, each day for me right now is an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, I'm fine and tell myself I've still got a fighting chance. I'm being monitored so closely and treated so aggressively that even if there is cancer somewhere, we're getting at it early. Other times, I freak out and panic. Tumor markers going up while I'm in the middle of chemotherapy can't be good. I worry that this cancer is so aggressive that nothing is going to work. I worry that every little ache and pain (and I've got a lot of little aches and pains as a result of all I've been through this past year!) is cancer. I know it is not good for my health to worry like that, but it is hard to control where your thoughts go sometimes.

One thing that helps tremendously is all the love and support I get from my friends at school. Being back at work this year has been one of the hardest things I've done, and yet also one of the best.

I had no idea when I returned to teaching in August how difficult this journey was going to be. Maybe I was naive, but I thought I'd finish up my radiation, do the next course of chemo, and be done and well by the end of November. I've never really been sick before and so I don't have a lot to compare to, but when I had our kids or my jaw surgery a couple of years ago, I bounced back quickly and easily. That's not happerning this time, probably because I just can't seem to get a break from all the treatment. Instead of feeling like a ball that bounces back up every time you drop it, I feel like an egg that just keeps smashing into the concrete over and over.

But, while school is so very difficult for me physically, right now, it is also the very best thing emotionally. My kids are awesome! They are the sweetest, nicest, kindest, most hard working class I've had, and that's saying a lot because I've always had wonderful classes. They made me cry a week or so ago. I was out for the day to have my thoracentesis and when I came back the next morning, I found a note they had written and all signed, asking me to please get better because they didn't want me to have to leave teaching again. That note is my inspiration to get my feet on the ground each morning even when I am feeling terrible! Plus, my day is filled with hugs and words of encouragement from all of my teacher friends. Hardly a morning goes by that someone doesn't stop by my room to see how I am and give me a hug. Too often, I end up crying when that happens, my emotions are stretched pretty thin right now, but I always feel stronger and more ready to face the day afterwards.

My family continues to be my rock. Pam calls or writes every day and sends me cute Hallmark cards that make me smile. She will be here for a few days this week again. I can't wait. Joe amazes me with his tireless efforts to do everythng in his power to help me. He works long days, comes home and makes sure I have a good dinner, works on the bills, takes care of the house, tells me I'm beautiful when right now it is the farthest thing from the truth, goes to every single doctor appointment and test with me. I honestly don't know how he does all he does and love him so very much. My kids are amazing and don't let a day go by without showing me with their words and actions how much they love me. I love them and am so proud of them!

A story on the news this week reminded me again of how fragile life is. A 27 year old fire fighter was killed in northern Arizona by a falling tree when he was out camping during the storm that came through this week. A father and husband and so very young. It reminded me to hold tight to and treasure all the memories that I have from all the days I've been given and to make the most of each of the ones I have in the future.

So, I'm off to do that now! Christmas shopping this weekend, going to As You Wish with Janaya, and Michael is going to winter formal! Check back in the next couple of days for pictures - he is sooooooo handsome!

Good News!

Hi, everyone. I am so very sorry it has taken me so long to get this post up. My test results are back and there is no sign of cancer anywhere! I'm sure you can all imagine how relieved I am! I was so scared that the trouble with my breathing, the back pain, and the fluid on my lungs meant the cancer had spread to my lungs. Then, with the alkaline phosphatase being elevated, I started to worry that it was in my bones, too. The doctors aren't sure why it is elevated, but the PET scan didn't show any signs of bone cancer. The fluid around my lungs is most likely a side effect of the radiation.

So, I"m not feeling real good right now, but it is much easier to deal with the idea that everything I'm going through is a result of all the treatment I've had and that it should all eventually get better than the thought that the cancer had spread throughout my body!

Tomorrow, I will be halfway through what is hopefully my last course of chemo. I should be finished completely with it by the end of January. So far, it hasn't been too bad, mostly struggling with nausea and fatigue. The CAT scan last Monday showed that the fluid is reaccumulating around my lungs. I already knew it by how I'm feeling. I'm still pretty short of breath and my back hurts a lot. I'm guessing I'll have to have it drained again at some point.

More good news! Pam is coming out for a few days starting on the 15th and then Joe, Michael, and I are going back to visit New Jersey the day after Christmas. I can't wait!

Well, it's taken me so long to get this posted because I'm just so tired and sore by the time I get home from school, so I'm off to bed!

Thank you, everyone, for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. They have sustained me through another difficult part of this journey.

Lots of love to everyone!
Martha

Feeling Better/Still Waiting for Test Results

Hi, everyone! It has just been a week since I last wrote and I am feeling much better. I went on Tuesday and had a thoracentesis done. Basically, they stuck a needle into the space where the fluid had accumulated around my right lung and drained it out. They removed a half liter of fluid and within a few hours I was able to breath much better. They tell me that a half liter of fluid is a relatively small amount compared to what they sometimes remove from patients, but it has made a huge difference in how I feel. They sent the fluid off for testing and I should know the results of that tomorrow.

I went for my second dose of Navelbine on Wednesday and Dr. Wendt drew more labs. My alkaline phosphatase went down a little bit, from 283 to 255 and my tumor markers went from 32.5 to 33.4, up a tiny bit, but still in the normal range. They did a test on the alkaline phosphatase they drew last week to tell if the elevation was coming from the liver or the bone and it turned out that it is the bone causing the elevation. All of my doctors tell me they don't think the cancer has spread to my bones. They don't have any real reason to think this, but say it just doesn't "feel" like bone metastasis to them. They qualify this by saying that this doesn't mean it's not bone metastasis, they just don't think so right now. I am scheduled for a PET/CT scan tomorrow and hopefully this will give us more information. We are all hoping that all of the things going on symptom-wise and lab work-wise are side effects of all the treatment I've already had. Fingers and toes all crossed!

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Joey was able to come down from Flagstaff for a couple of days. It is always great to see him; I miss him terribly. We had a quiet day at home, watching football and playing games and cooking. No funny turkey story this year because we skipped the turkey altogether! The boys don't like turkey and Joe has just gotten a new grill, so we did steaks! I did make stuffing and apple pie, so we weren't completely nontraditional. Janaya and Andrew did lunch with his family and then were here in time to do dinner with us. Then, we played a domino game called Mexican Train. It was a great day.

Yesterday, I took Janaya and Michael to the ASU/U of A game. We had a great time! Last weekend, I couldn't come up the stairs from the basement in our house without almost passing out and having to lie on the couch for twenty minutes to catch my breath. Yesterday, I climbed up to row 23, twice, and was just a little bit short of breath! It is amazing the difference a week can make. ASU lost, but it was a great game and we all came home a little bit hoarse from all the yelling and cheering we did.


This is a picture taken in our driveway before we left for the game. We dropped Joey off in Scottsdale because he was getting a ride back up to Flagstaff from a friend. Joe stayed home and worked on his car.


This is Janaya, Michael, and me at the game. We were in the nosebleeds!

I can't help but think about where we were at this time last year. I had just been diagnosed less than two weeks before Thanksgiving and had been given a pretty poor prognosis. It was a very scary and overwhelming time for us. I am very thankful for every day I've been given this past year. I'm thankful for all of my doctors. Joe, Pam, and I are constantly amazed and in awe of how knowledgeable and caring each of them are. I'm thankful for the experiences over the last year that have opened my eyes and heart in new ways to the beauty of the world, my friends, and my family.

I hope each of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. You were all in my heart and thoughts.

Lots of love!
Martha

A Scary Turn of Events

Hi, everyone. This past week or so has been a pretty scary one for me and my family. I have hesitated to write about it. First, I didn't want to in any way overshadow the amazing accomplishment of Pam, Joe, and Janaya. I posted the slide show of the pictures of their walk without any comment because I just couldn't come up with words that were capable of expressing my love and admiration for them. Second, I think in some subconscious way, I felt that if I didn't type the words maybe they wouldn't be true.

I have been having some difficulty with my breathing ever since the surgery to repair the damage from the radiation. It started out pretty mild and at first I thought it was just a side effect of having received general anesthesia. But, it has gradually gotten worse over the following weeks. I had a chest x-ray done about two weeks ago which was negative. Then, last weekend, the shortness of breath seemed to get worse and I developed pain in my back. We went to see my radiation oncologist and he sent me the next morning for a chest CAT scan which shows I've got fluid around my lungs. He is not sure what is causing it. It could be an infection, some kind of virus or fungus, or it could be cancer. He said looking at the films that it doesn't present like cancer usually would, but to someone whose cancer didn't show up on any of her mammograms, ultrasounds, or MRI's this is little solace. I go Tuesday morning for a needle aspiration of the fluid and we will know more when we get the results of that.

In the meantime, I started my new chemo, Navelbine and Xeloda. Dr. Wendt ordered routine bloodwork to be done before giving me the chemo. My tumor markers were 30 which is in the normal range, but up from the last ones which were 26. Everything else was normal except for my alkaline phosphatase. The normal range for this test is 39-145 and mine was 265. I didn't think much of it at first. The nurse who gave me my results didn't even mention it. Then, when we got home and looked it up on the Internet, we found out that an elevated level is an indication of problems with the liver or bone, two of the places breast cancer likes the most. Dr. Tannehill, my radiation oncologist, ordered a bunch of lab work when I saw him last week and the alkaline phosphatase level had gone up to 283. He ordered additional lab work that will tell us if it is coming from the liver or the bone.

So, it is a pretty nerve-wracking time around here right now. I'm tired from being sore and short of breath all the time. I am trying very hard to not let my mind jump ahead to conclusions until we have all the test results in, but it is hard not to do. I'm really, really scared.

One of the highlights of my week was going out to happy hour with my friends, Carol, Norma, Ruthie, and Janaya. Carol said something to me about my being brave in sharing my journey with all of you. I told her it is not a matter of being brave at all. It is a matter of survival. The love and support I receive from each of you, the words of encouragement, the hugs, the prayers and good thoughts, are what enable me to face each day and not let the fear overwhelm me. Unfortunately, I am not the first person to have to make this journey and I know I won't be the last. It doesn't do any good to ask, "Why me?" It is what it is. But, the one thing I can count on, the bright spot in all of this, is knowing how many people are here for me, walking beside me each step of the way, giving me the courage, hope, and strength to face whatever lies ahead.

Thank you.
Martha

They Did It!

Drains Out!

Well, this Tuesday was three weeks from my surgery and I've healed up great. I had an appointment Wednesday to follow up with the plastic surgeon and have my drains removed. They were absolutely the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing. Every time I moved, I could feel them pulling at the stitches in my side or causing irritation under the skin. It is amazing how something like those drains can wear on your energy and emotions. I had thought several times of snipping the stitches myself and pulling them out, but was afraid I'd chicken out.

My appointment was for 3:45. Joe and I walked into the surgery clinic at 3:35 and within just a couple of minutes were taken to an examining room. Dr. Hurst came in withing a couple of minutes, looked at my incisions, asked how I was doing, and said everything looked great. We'd get the drains out and I'd be on my way. I undressed and sat waiting, ready, on the examing table. Dr. Hurst told me to take a deep breath and hold it. I did, squeezed my eyes shut and whammo, he yanked the first drain out. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! That really hurt! It felt like someone stabbed me with a knife. Egads! Two more to go. Ok. Deep breath and hold. OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! THAT HURT! THAT REALLY HURT! I started to panic. How in the world was I going to get through a third drain being yanked? It was excruciating. I squeezed my eyes tighter, and gripped the table harder and waited for his instructions to take a breath and . . . nothing. I slowly peeked out and looked down. He had pulled the last two together! Oh, thank goodness!!!! This experience truly gave meaning to the saying that ignorance is bliss. If I had had any idea of how badly pulling those drains out was going to hurt, I know they'd have had to sedate me! Luckily, the relief from the discomfort the drains were causing was almost immediate. It felt so good to be able to move about and turn over in bed that night and each day since has been better. We were out of the clinic and back in our car by 3:45!

Everything else continues to go well. I'm scheduled to start my new chemo regimen this coming Wednesday and it should last twelve weeks. I'm starting to feel more energetic and am finally staying up past 7:oo in the evening. I have developed a bit of a cough and I have a lymph node in my left groin that is swollen right now, but it seems the consensus is to just watch for right now. I've learned that living with worry and fear are part of this disease. I'm working very hard at not letting them overwhelm me and detract from the joy of living each day.

School and life have been very busy and I haven't gotten together with my friends in a while. I miss you guys!

The three day walk is next weekend and Pam, Janaya, and Joe are getting geared up to participate. As a team, they raised over $10,000! I'm so proud of them and wish I could participate with them. Thank you very much to all of you who donated. You are all my everyday superheroes!

The walk starts at the park right here in Gilbert and the walkers will go right past my elementary school. I will be out there with my students cheering them all on. The kids in my class wrote letters that will be given out to the walkers next weekend and reading some of their sentiments brought me to tears. It is sad to know how many families have been effected by this disease.

Well, that is all.
Lots of love and hugs to each of you!
Martha