Celebrating Life, One Day at a Time

A final update for Martha, from Joe and Pam,

2010-09-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,

Martha’s eighteen month journey with breast cancer has ended and it is now time for us to write a last blog entry for her. As she wished, Martha died peacefully at home on July 16^th, 2010 surrounded by; Joe, her husband; Janaya, Joey, Michael, her children; and Pam, her sister.

From the day Martha was diagnosed on, November 13, 2008, our family worked as a team to find the best medical professionals possible. The family always shared our thoughts and then with a confident plan, we moved forward towards the best option for finding a cure. Martha faced every test, treatment, and surgery with a strong drive of beating the cancer. Her breast cancer was relentless and Martha never had a break. The disease was aggressive and progressed in spite of every effort to beat it. The outcome of this battle is not as any of us wished, however we are all at peace knowing that we tried our best and worked with the best doctors available as we sought the elusive cure. When we knew that we had tried everything humanly possible and that there wasn’t a cure to be found, we worked on helping Martha live every moment to the fullest and made as many memories as possible for the kids and family. Near the end of Martha’s journey, we found comfort in inviting Hospice of the Valley to our home with the goal to help make Martha as comfortable as possible. They not only made her comfortable, but they guided all of us through a very difficult time. With rhe support of her doctors, it was Martha who made the decision to stop further treatment and contact Hospice. We had heard of numerous stories of families that “waited too long” to call Hospice. We supported her in this very difficult decision. From the first day that Hospice arrived at our home and through every visit they made, we found comfort knowing that we had contacted Hospice at the right time. Hospice assisted the whole family in making the most of Martha’s last two months of life. For that we will be forever thankful.

Even if you never met Martha, we do not need to explain her courage, strength and determination to beat the cancer because it is already expressed in her writings on this blog. We do not need to tell of her love of family, for it is visible in her updates and pictures. She was strong for all of us. She loved each and every one of us for being a part of her life. Martha regularly shared that she was in awe of the love and support that surrounded her on this journey. So, as each one of us tries to figure out life without Martha’s presence here on earth, we will do as she requested and will always carry her in our hearts.

As Martha always said,

“Love you all tons,”

Summertime Fun!

2010-07-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! Again, it has been a little while since I last wrote. This is for a combination of reasons; one not feeling well and up to it many days, and two wanting to make the most of the days I do feel well! Here is a bit of an update as to what the Hitzel family has been up to.

Not long after Michael's graduation and Pam's family and Joe's parents leaving to go back to NJ, Joe's sister, Susie and her two thirteen year old twins had been planning to come out for a visit. They had been waiting for school to finish and for Katie to participate in a week-long volleyball camp. During this time, I began to struggle a bit more physically. I asked Susie to please not bring the kids. I was hesitant for them to come see me when I was doing so poorly. Most of my problems centered around increased swelling of my entire body and increased back pain. My wonderful hospice nurse, Wendy, was doing everything she could to help with the back pain and a lymphedema specialist was scheduled to come in and do massages to help with the swelling. The pain, however, seemed to just increase and we ended up calling hospice one evening in what they described as a "pain crisis!" I was admitted for two nights to the local hospice inpatient care center and within hours they had my pain under control with morphine. I was sent home on a portable morphine drip that gives me a set amount of pain medication each hour and then also gives me the ability to get extra bolus doses if needed. Like I said, I was home in a day and a half, all fixed up. I continue to be constantly amazed at the quality of care provided by the Hospice of the Valley organization. Several different people who have been through this experience with a family member have mentioned how they felt like they had waited too long to contact Hospice. I am grateful everyday that we made the decision to enter hospice when we did and grateful to Dr.Livingston to not hesitate to give us that option at the time he did. If I were to somehow turn some miraculous corner and feel like my body was up to trying more treatment, that option is always to me. However, we all know that is not going to happen.

Susie arrived the day after I was admitted to the hospice center and by that point I was feeling much better and it probably would have been ok if Katie and Jonnie had come to visit. I'm still hopeful we may get a visit together in.

With Susie here, we were able to convince Pam to take a break and go home to see her family. It worked out perfectly because it was the 4th of July weekend and her birthday is on the 5th. Also, her daughter, Mary's, 13th birthday is later this month and they were able to work on redoing her room as her birthday present. It came out great! I love the colors she picked out, very cool and sophisticated, yet at the same time young and teenagerish, too.

We had great time during Susie's visit. Sue and I have been friends since our senior year of high school and it was actually through my friendship with her that I met and ended up together with Joe! Both Sue and her mom are great cooks and Sue worked nonstop to keep us well-fed during her visit. Michael - the absolute pickiest eater on Earth - even ate tomatoes! Now, this might not seem like a huge feat to most people, but for Michael! Unheard of!

Susie also makes the absolute best chocolate chip cookies anywhere. As you can see from the picture below, I was treated to a pre-baking taste sampling! :>) MMMmmm . . . Yummmmm!

As you can also see from this picture, we decided to move in a hospital bed. I'd been having trouble for a while and had been sleeping on the couch in the living room. Wendy gently suggested a hospital bed a couple of times, but I was resistant to the idea. Then, after my "pain crisis" and the kids and Joe pointing out to me that there was room for them to cuddle with me on the bed in the evening with them as we watched TV or a movie, I was convinced. And, it really has been wonderful. I sleep 100 times better on it. We set it up in the living room under the windows, so it is in a pretty place, but out of the way and not immediately apparant when visitors first come into the house.

A funny cooking story. Joe's mom has the very best chocolate cake recipe. The icing tastes like the richest, creamiest chocolate fudge! When she was out for her recent visit, she made one for us. It was delicious, but she had a very difficult time. The cake was crumbly and didn't want to come out of the pan. However, once it was all glued together with the icing, no one could tell from the outside. And, it tasted just as good as ever.

On the last day of Susie's visit, she decided that she, too, would make us one of these cakes (can you tell they are one of my favorite things?). Well, we don't know whether it was a difference in altitude or our oven wasn't heating correctly or what, but poor Susie had even more problem with the cake than her mom did. Here's proof I'm not exaggerating:

After Susie left, it was just Joe, Michael, and me for a couple of days. We spent a quiet 4th of July and decided not to even make the trek out to see the fireworks. Joe did, however, get a chance to put up a flag that his mom had sent to us several years ago and we'd never taken the time to get out of the box.

Since I have not been feeling as well lately and don't often feel like going out, contingents of the Margarita Express have been stopping by the house and we've had our own little happy hours here. We decided we would start a new brand of M&M - margarita and morphine. Wendy thought this was funny, but said there was no sharing of my morphine. :>( Sorry girls! The other day, Carol, Norma, and Ruthie came for a visit and we had a great time talking and laughing!

Pam was back for Father's Day and she, Joe, and I decided to spend it up at our cabin in Payson. We had not been able to get up there since September and when we arrived, we discovered that a family of mice had come in and made themselves completely at home. We (well, Pam and Joe, with me supervising) spent the first two to three hours just cleaning and changing sheets. The weather was beautiful! We sat out on the back porch Sunday morning for breakfast and then decided it was so nice to try and stay out for a while. Joe helped me get set up in my hammock chair and then pulled a chair up next to me and we sat and talked for about twenty minutes.

Then, the edge of the chair began to cut into my legs due to the swelling and Joe went to change places with me. He got me situated in the chair he had been sitting in and then went to sit in the hammock chair himself. Well, as he went to lift himself back into the chair, it came crashing down to the ground! The branch that the chair had been suspended from had broken off. Joe hit the ground - HARD! And then, the branch came crashing down on top of him. OMGosh! What a scary experience. Unbelievably, Joe came through with just some severe tenderness and bruising to his pelvis area. We can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if it had fallen while I was sitting in it!

Later that day, before we headed out for home, Joe and I placed two wooden bears we had bought for the cabin back in September out in front. I've always loved these wooden bears and love how they look out front.

That evening, safely at home, we gave Joe his present - an iPad which he absolutely loves and has used constantly since he got it.

Well, that's what happens when I don't write for a while. My posts get pretty long-winded. Thanks for checking in and love youall tons!
Martha

Good Friends/Good Times

2010-06-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. No big news to share, but just thought I'd write about the last couple of weeks. I'm sorry I don't get my blog updated more often, but by the time the evenings arrive and I think about working on it, I'm pretty tired out. This is actually a good thing because although some of the exhaustion is related to the effects that cancer is having on my body, more of it has to do with my trying to do as much as I can with my family and friends.

The rest of our visit with Joe's parents and Pam's family went great. We had great family dinners with lots of conversation and laughter. On Sunday, we all went to the Tempe Rock Gym for the afternoon. This was our first time there and everyone had a great time. I, of course, was not up to physically participating, but did enjoy my role as photographer and cheerleader.

Even though Joe and Jim were at least twice as old as most of the other people in the gym, they did a great job climbing and provided lots of laughs.

After rappeling down the wall, Janaya comes to a safe landing in her Daddy's arms.

Michael and Connor enjoyed working together as a team.

The girls take a break.

Michael demonstrates that he hasn't evolved all that far from the chimpanzee!

Evenings were spent gathering around the pool and swimming.

On this night, the girls enjoyed happy hour poolside, while the men cooked up a scrumptious dinner.

The men take a break from slaving over the hot stove to join us.

One last picture of the cousins together before Joey has to leave to go back up to Flagstaff.

This is a little out of order, but my school, Gilbert Elementary, has an award ceremony each year during the last week of school. Awards are given out to students for a variety of positive behaviors and character traits. Things such as kindness, sportsmanship, improvement in academics. This year, my principal, Sheila, decided to establish an annual award given in my name. It is titled The Martha Hitzel Sunflower Award. Sheila said it would be given each year to a 4th rader who had "blossomed" in academics and character, and sows the seeds of friendship and caring. The student will be given a plaque and a savings bond for their future education. I am so honored to have this award established in my honor! It was given out for the first time this year and Sheila asked Joe and Janaya to present it.

The award was given to one of the children from my class and I couldn't think of a student who better exemplifies the characteristics of the award. I am so proud of him!

Last weekend, Joe, Michael, Pam, and I went up to Flagstaff. Joe went to orientation at NAU with Michael. Pam and I went with Joey to help him get registered for a couple of classes at Coconino Community College. He is working as a cook at Black Bart's Steak House in Flagstaff and absolutely loves it. He has decided to work towards his Hotel and Restaurant Management degree. Thursday night, Michael stayed overnight in the dorm on campus. Joey came and hung out at the hotel room with us. We got pizza and watched the Lakers/Celtics game. At half-time, we had to run out for Baskin Robbins ice cream - the best ice cream ever! Friday, we went to a movie matinee and then out to dinner at Joey's restaurant. It was easy to see why he enjoys working there so much. The people were so very nice and friendly and all commented on how much they enjoyed working with Joey. We had originally planned a short hike on Saturday, something I would usually love doing, however I wasn't up to it physically. One of the most frustrating things about this cancer is that mentally I still feel able to do all the things I normally would, but my body just isn't able to cooperate. Joe, Pam, and I ended up coming home. Michael stayed with Joey and the two of them went to a Rap concert Saturday night. I am so excited that they are going to be in Flagstaff together this fall and have the opportunity to do things together.

This past Monday, Joe's cousin, Mary Monica, came to visit from California. She is celebrating 5 years as a breast cancer survivor. She planned a wonderful ceremony for all of her family and friends to celebrate her life and to thank them for the support they have shown her during her journey. Mary Monica has been a wonderful emotional support to Joe and me since our journey started a year and a half ago and we both so wanted to be able to go and participate in her celebration. However, with my health being kind of precarious, we were very hesitant to travel. So, instead, Mary Monica came to visit me! It felt so good to finally be able to wrap our arms around each other and exchange a heartfelt hug. We laughed and cried and had a wonderful visit. I was sad to say goodbye, but so glad I had the chance to visit with her.

On Thursday, my mom came in from Pennsylvannia and we had lunch and a nice time together.

I was also able to go to my monthly bookclub meeting this month and had a wonderful time visiting with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I'd missed the last two meetings. I was exhausted when I got home, but it was worth it to get to spend time with my friends.

So, as you can see, the last couple of weeks have been filled with good times with family and friends. I'd be lying if I said there weren't days when my decision to pursue hospice care doesn't scare me and make me sad. It is hard not to second guess myself and worry that I gave up the fight too soon. However, I am staying focused, as much as I possibly can, on living in each moment and celebrating it. The hospice nurse assigned to me is absolutely wonderful and she does everything she can to help me achieve the goals I set. They are also doing a great job of helping me keep my discomfort under control. That makes a huge difference in my ability to enjoy the things I am able to do. So, deep in my heart, I do know that I've made the right decision and am comfortable with it. I'm so enjoying each day right now and that is totally because I have such wonderful family and friends.

I love each of you and hold you close in my heart!
Martha

What a Wonderful Week!

2010-05-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! It has been a wonderful week filled with fantastic times with my family. Joe's parents arrived Monday evening and Pam's family arrived Wednesday evening and it has been non-stop good times since! Everyone leaves tomorrow, but I am so excited to share the fun things we've done that I couldn't wait to post.

Even though Pam and I have raised our families on oppostite sides of the country, we have worked very hard over the years to get our families together as often as we could. It definitely hasn't been the same as if we had raised our kids in the same town, but the relationships they share and the love they have for each other couldn't be much better even if we had. The wonderful thing about this is that each time we get together, there is absolutely no awkwardness or time spent getting comfortable with each other again. It may have been a couple of months since we all last saw each other, but it feels like it could have been a couple of days.

It is also much the same with Joe's family. They have always included Pam and her family in everything we've done as a Hitzel family and it truly feels like we are all one big family, not in-laws. We are reaping the rewards of this, this week.

Michael's graduation was Thursday evening. My principal, Sheila, arranged for us to have VIP parking and for a golf cart to take me from the parking lot to the stadium. It's not that I couldn't have walked in by myself, but I do get really short of breath and tire out pretty easily, so this was a huge help. She also arranged for me to have preferential seating. I didn't want to sit by myself, however, and planned to climb up into the stands so I could share the experience with my family. When Sheila learned of this she spoke to the vice-principal in charge of graduation and arranged for all twelve of us to have preferential seating! We all literally had side-line seats! It had been a bit of a rough week, physically, leading up to to this and there had been points where I wasn't even sure with all the extra help that I was going to make it to the ceremony. I not only made it, but had an absolutely fantastic time. Sitting there surrounded by the best family anyone could ask for and watching our youngest graduate high school just filled me with so much joy and pride. Thank you, Sheila, for being the amazing friend that you are!

Michael entering the stadium and spotting us on the sidelines.

I was the first one to get to Michael to give him a congratulatory hug!

Michael, Janaya, and Joey.

The cousins.

Grandma and Granddaddy.

Proud Mom and Dad!

After graduation, it was back to our house for vanilla ice cream and Grandma's famous hot fudge sauce. Yumm!!! Next, (drum roll please!) time to open presents. This is the big surprise I wrote about at the end of my last post. Michael uses my iTouch periodically to play games or check his Facebook page. Last week, when I was in Tuscon, I opened up Facebook and for some reason it went to Michael's inbox instead of mine. I started reading the first message and in it he mentions to a friend who is going to turn 18 how he turned 18 a while ago, but has always wanted to go skydiving. I had absolutely no clue! As far as Joe and I can remember, he had never said anything about this to us. So, I secretly set up for him to go skydiving the Friday morning after graduation. But first, after talking about it with Pam, I decided it would be more fun if he had someone to jump with; someone to share the experience with. I asked Joe. "No." I asked Joey. "No." Finally, I asked Janaya. "Absolutely! If Michael is going to jump out of a plane, I'm jumping with him!" So first thing Friday morning, the whole family packed up and drove out to Casa Grande to watch them skydive. They loved it! I'm amazed at how absolutely fearless the two of them were. They were 100% excited! Here are a few pictures.

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So, that is all I'm going to write about for now. Everyone is out and about and I have some time to recharge my batteries for the evening. More updates later.

Much love to everyone!
Martha

A New Puppy!

2010-05-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. I'm sorry it has been a while since my last posting. We've been pretty busy around here with medical issues since I last wrote and I just haven't had the energy to write.

My cancer continues to be unrelenting in its attack on my body and nothing Dr. Livingston has tried has helped. I had trouble tolerating the chemo he tried initially on learning that my cancer had spread. They have to give you a ton of fluid with it to flush out your kidneys and my body just couldn't handle it. There was also no sign that it was having any effect against the cancer. He then went back to the chemo I was on when he originally started seeing me. We were happy with this plan because we knew that at that point it had been at least partially effective and I knew what I was getting into with it as far as side effects go. I had my first dose of it last Wednesday and was supposed to return this Wednesday for my second weekly dose. However, again, over this past week, I have noticed a gradual increase in my symptoms rather than any improvement. I was really tired last night and not feeling well and spent some time reflecting. Joe's parents and Pam's family are arriving to visit this week and Michael's graduation is Thursday evening. The whole idea of trying this chemo again was to give me more quality time with my family. Instead, I was dealing with the tiredness and icky feeling that comes with being on chemo and not seeing any improvement. I made the decision that I am not going to do any more chemo. I emailed Dr. Livingston this morning and discussed my decision and the factors that had gone into making it with him and he agreed and was very supportive. Now, our complete focus can be on managing the side effects of the cancer and allowing me to enjoy the time I have with my family. It is an emotional decision and of course has involved quite a few tears, but one, now that it is made, I and my family feel very comfortable with. One of the most positive things about this decision is that I will never, ever have to do chemo again! That is something to celebrate!

In the midst of all that has been going on with my health, a couple of good things have happened, too. Joe's brother, George, lives in Florida and is a pilot for United Airlines. He doesn't usually fly into Phoenix, but was able to arrange to do so last week. We hadn't seen him since our trip to Alaska, so it was a real treat to have the opportunity. I wasn't up for dinner out, but he and Joe and Michael and Janaya all went out to dinner and had a great time visiting.

Joe and George

George with Janaya and Michael

The second good thing to happen many of you might already know from my Facebook page. Janaya and her boyfriend, Andrew, have been wanting to get a puppy for quite a while now, but were waiting until the school year finished so they would have time to spend taking care of and training it. School finished for them two Wednesdays ago and on Saturday they got a new Boxer puppy. Her name is Lucy and she is the cutest, sweetest, most adorable thing! Both Andrew and Janaya had to work double shifts on the Sunday after they got her, so Joe and I got to "puppy" sit. I was excited, but also a little hesitant about how much energy it would take to watch a nine week old puppy for an entire day. It was no problem at all! She was so much fun.

Well, that is it, again, for now. This week promises to be filled with lots of family time and good memories, so as long as I'm feeling well, it won't be so long until my next post. Graduation pictures, plus a big, top-secret surprise! Stay tuned!

Love you all!
Martha

The Good Times Just Keep Coming!

2010-05-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. It's been another great week. Pam arrived Monday evening which always improves my spirits! I finished up my radiation treatments to my spinal column Wednesday night which means Joe and I don't have to drive up to Scottsdale every evening. A visit to Tucson on Thursday and Friday to see Dr. Livingston with no new bad news and the good news that the cancer has not spread to my liver! My blood counts were a little low to recieve my chemo, so we have to head back up there on Monday. I feel bad for Joe having to do so much driving back and forth, but we all really feel comfortable with the treatment I recieve there.

On Friday evening, I was honored as the Gilbert School District Elementary School Teacher of the Year. I was so surprised and humbled when I was told of this award. I work with the most amazing group of teachers, staff, administration, students, and families. The staff at my school care so much about the whole child and strive each day to care for their minds and spirits and help them grow into smart, caring, well-rounded young people. And they are successful! They are true caring professionals who do extraordinary work every day. They inspire me to be the best that I can be as a teacher and as a person. Just to be counted as an equal among them is an honor to me. To be chosen for special recognition by my students and group of peers was beyond my imagining. All I can say is thank you from deep in my heart. I love you all!

Recieving my award.

The family.

My amazing principal, Sheila!

All the people who came out to support me!

Saturday was Senior Day for Michael's lacrosse team. It was their last regular game of the season. There are seventeen seniors on his team and most of them have played together since junior high for a total of six years. They are the nicest group of young men you could meet. So, this was a special and bittersweet day for all of us. Before the game started, they announced each senior and then they walked onto the field with their parents. The boys had a carnation to give to their moms and they recieved a picture of all the seniors and a program that had their lacrosse pictures in it, a baby picture, and quotes from them. It was really special. I think even with not feeling well, I cheered louder for the boys at this game than any other game. I will definitely miss lacrosse season.

Two proud parents walking their senior out onto the field!

Signing the Farewell Seniors banner after the game.

Joe, Michael, and Pam in front of the Go Tigers! poster.

Today, Janaya called up and said she was going to come and get Brewski to take to the dog park. I said I would like to go with her and she replied she was worried about exposing me to the germs there. I told her not to worry, I would try to stay away from the dogs and would wash up when I got home. So off we went! With everything else going on at home, poor Brewski has been a very neglected dog. He was so excited to get in the car and arrive at the park! He was off running, playing in the water and with the other dogs. Janaya and I sat down on the concrete ledge when all of a sudden this dog comes up behind me, lifts his leg, and pees on me! Then, two other dogs come up and slobber all over my shirt and pants. So much for staying away from the germs! Anyway, Brewski, Janaya, and I all ended up having a great time. Both Brewski and I got a bath when we got home. Janaya stayed around for a while and she and her dad put her trunk together, so now all three are assembled and ready to have books put in them. They are all absolutely gorgeous.

So, that is it for the Hitzel household this week! The thing is, all this wonderful stuff was going on before. I've just learned to really hold on tight to it and treasure it just a bit more than I might have in the past.

Love you all!

Martha

A Great Weekend!

2010-04-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Wow! It has only been a couple of days since I last posted, but many wonderful things have happened!

Joe's birthday was yesterday. Joey had to work, but came down from Flagstaff for Friday and Saturday so we could celebrate together. Friday night, we all went to Michael's lacrosse game. They lost by one point, but played really well. Michael had a great shot on goal, but it hit off the goal post! Darn! I know I post a lot of lacrosse pictures, but I just love them, the sport, and of course, Michael!

Then, after the game, we all went out for dinner at Fuddruckers. We're into good food with very little wait right now. We sat in the Elvis Presley corner booth and just had a great time, talking and laughing and being with each other. Home to open Joe's present. We got him a poster of a Detroit billboard that has a picture of a Corvette on it and says, "They don't write songs about Volvos."

It was a great night! On Saturday, we decided to do spur of the moment family photos since we had everyone here. A friend who works with Joe, Veronica, does photography as a hobby. He called her and she agreed with very little notice to meet us and took them for us. Thank you, Veronica! You're awesome! I can't wait to see how they came out! When we got home, Joey and Joe, put his toy chest together. It is beautiful!

Saturday evening, Michael had his senior prom. He looked so handsome in his tuxedo and his date, Angela, looked like an angel in her dress. Michael spent a lot of time working with Joe to restore their 66 Corvette. He used it for prom. Pretty cool!

Yesterday was Joe's actual birthday and we drove up to Boyce Thompson Arboretum for the day. The weather was beautiful, the flowers were all in bloom, and we had a wonderful time together!

See, I told you it was a great weekend! But wait! There's more! My nephew, Brian, competes on the crew team for Moorestown High School in New Jersey. On Saturday, they competed in a tournament with somewhere between 40 and 50 other schools. Their school was the only public school competing. They came in 3rd! Then, on Sunday, they competed in a second tournament made up of public school teams and they won gold! Because Pam has been spending so much time out here with me, this weekend was the first time she got to see him compete. I am so happy for and proud of Brian! He is an awesome young man! And, I am so glad Pam was there to cheer him on!

This is a picture of Brian and his team (he is the third from the right) recieving their medal on Saturday. I tried to upload two other pics, one of him with Pam and one of him rowing that Pam emailed to me, but for some reason can't get them to do it. If I figure out how, I'll put them in my next post.

And, finally, Pam is arriving late this afternoon! We go back down to Tucson on Thursday for chemo and to see Dr. Livingston and she wanted to be here for that. We are also treasuring our time together with my health status so precarious right now. I finish up my radiation treatments on Wednesday and I'm so hoping I'm able to get a trip in to visit her family and Joe's family in NJ. We'll see. I haven't noticed any improvement since the last chemo. It will be interesting to hear what Dr. Livingston thinks.

Well, this was a long post, but there was a lot of good news to share.

Love you all!
Martha

UGH!!!

2010-04-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a gal just can't get a break!

I woke up Monday quite a bit shorter of breath than I have been. I thought maybe it had something to do with stopping my steroids, so tried to wait it out, but was no better by Tuesday. One chest CT scan later and I now officially have a pulmonary embolism. I'm starting to believe Janaya and some of my friends who have been trying to convince me there are real situations that no other words but a certain one that fits! UGH!!!! (No that's not the word, I still don't say it, but I have thought it a time or two recently!) I've researched and I guess it's not that rare of a thing to develop an embolism between being on chemo and steroids and oh yeah, having cancer. The good thing is they don't put you in the hospital anymore for it as long as you're stable. Joe gives me a shot of blood thinner each morning and evening and that's it! Hopefully, over the next few days, the clot will start to dissolve and I'll be able to breath easier again.

Then, to top that news off, I bit into a soft hamburger (organic, grass fed beef) for dinner tonight and a corner of my back cap broke off my tooth! See what I mean about getting a break? Call into the dentist first thing tomorrow. :>(

On the good news front, Michael's team won their lacrosse game last night and I was feeling well enough to go and watch him play. It was a nail biter, but they won 12 to 11. His team still has a small chance of making the playoffs this year. It would be the first time in five years.

Joey called today and is going to come down on Friday. Michael has a game and then we're all going to go out to dinner to celebrate Joe's birthday which is Sunday.

I drove over to ASU today to have lunch with Janaya during her break. Poor thing was in shorts and freezing, so we went to the bookstore and bought her a pair of sweats.

Pam arrives again on Monday!

And, a bulb that Joe's mom sent out to me for Christmas two years ago bloomed for the first time this week and as you'll see below, the blooms are gorgeous!

So, maybe that word isn't warranted after all. Setbacks keep coming at me non-stop, but there is a lot to celebrate, too!

Love you all!
Martha

A Fun Surprise

2010-04-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. Joe and I had a great weekend this weekend. I spent most of Saturday resting after getting my new port and chemo on Friday. I was still tired Sunday, but feeling pretty good. I ran some errands with Joe. I stayed in the car, but it was nice to just spend time with him. That is one thing this disease is teaching me. Sometimes (most times) it is just the nice, normal, ordinary times spent with the people you love that are the most important and meaningful.

Then, in the afternoon, we rode out to the Chandler Airport. Joe loves airplanes and likes any excuse to go out and watch them land and take off. Before I was sick, one of our favorite things to do was ride our bikes out to the airport for breakfast and watch the planes. If you haven't been out there for breakfast, go. It's fabulous!

Well, yesterday, my good friend, Carol, had told us that the B-17 Bomber, Sentimental Journey, was going to be at the airport and that because her son was payload specialist, she was going to get to fly in it from Chandler to Falcon Field in Mesa. She was so excited! She is the girl equivalent of Joe when it comes to being enraptured with planes and flight! Joe and I decided it would be fun to go see the plane and that we could take pictures of it taking off for Carol, too. When we got there, we took the tour of the plane and then walked across the tarmac to talk with Carol. Unbeknownst to us, while we were touring the plane, she had talked with her son and found out that there was an extra seat on the flight and Joe could have it if he wanted. If he wanted?!! Are you kidding me?!! He was so excited. He and Carol were like two little kids at Disneyland! I kept my feet firmly on the ground, where they like to be, and took pictures, now of both of them taking off.

It was a great day!

First Course of New Chemo Completed

2010-04-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. Sorry I have not updated the blog in a bit. I've been wrestling with all the new emotions that have come with my diagnosis and just wasn't sure what to write.

Joe and I went up to Tuscon yesterday. I got a new port put in and I recieved the second dose of my new chemo regimen. I now have two weeks off before I go back. Right now, we're keeping all body parts crossed, hoping the cancer will respond to the chemo. The chemo makes me shaky and tired, but overall it is pretty tolerable. The last couple of days between last week's treatment and this week's I actually felt almost normal!

I found a cancer support site called Inspire where there are many women, some with the same type of breast cancer that I have, who have fought it for a long time. I found their stories encouraging.

My family has been amazing! Pam was here until Wednesday and was my rock. She just listened to me and supported me and loved me through all kinds of emotions this week. Having her for my sister will always be one of the greatest gifts I've had in my life.

Joe and I were totally overwhelmed at first and were feeling pretty hopeless. We have had to discuss and make plans for a worst case scenario - not easy, but we've done it and now that we have, it feels like we can move past it and focus on the fight ahead. I love my family and my life way too much to give in to this disease easily. I know so much of it is out of my hands, but I am going to go at it with all the fight and spirit I've got.

The kids are so inspiring to me. They have been so strong and loving and supportive. No matter what course this disease takes, no one can ever take away the gift I've been given of seeing them grow up into such wonderful young adults. The three of us picked out toy chests and ordered one for each of them. I will be placing books in each of them to share with their own children some day. Reading together with them as they grew up was always my favorite part of the day. This will be a way of passing that on.

I am enjoying the beautiful weather. Joe bought me a chaise lounge chair and a big red market umbrella and put them out on the patio so I can sit and enjoy the weather, rest, or read. Joey came down for two days. He, Janaya, and I spent Thursday at As You Wish. He had asked me to make him a picture frame. We had a great day together. Michael is going to prom next weekend and I was able to make it out to the mall to help him pick out his tux. So, it feels like we are reaching a new "normal" around here and it feels good.

Just one picture today. Janaya and Andrew (who we love for being her rock through this) stopped by on their way to a wedding. Andrew wasn't dressed yet, he is in the wedding party, but here is a picture of Janaya. She is just gorgeous, inside and out!

Love you all tons!
Martha

A Good Day!

2010-04-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I have survived the first treatment of my new chemo regimen in pretty good order. Very mild nausea and no vomitting. Based on the prechemo teaching and the number of antinausea med prescriptions they sent me home with yesterday, I'm very pleasantly surprised!

One bad side effect is they gave me over three liters of fluid during the process (I guess it's important to keep your kidney's flushed with this chemo). I have blown up like the Michellan Man! My left arm and leg are three times as big as my right! Unsightly and uncomfortable! Hopefully, some of it will have gone down by tomorrow.

Great news! We got Joey a car! Now, he will be able to get back and forth from Flagstaff around his work schedule much easier. It is a four-door Nissan Sentra and very nice. My first car was a Sentra. It was a great car and I loved it. I think he is in love with his already, too, based on the smile on his face. You can also see how swollen my face is!

It has been great having Joey home this week. He fills the house with his sunny spirit. He works as a cook up in Flagstaff and has been cooking us wonderful dinners each night. It's made for nice evenings around the dinner table. It's also been nice that he's been able to go to a couple of Michael's lacrosse games while he's been here and cheer him on.

Enjoyed the weather today. I actually got out on my bike for a couple of miles. I thought I'd just do a short little stint, but once I got on, it felt great. For some reason right now, riding my bike is easier on my breathing than walking, though I did do a little of that, too.

Well, off to bed for the night. Just touching base with everyone.

Love you all!
Martha

A Change in Focus

2010-04-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. Sorry for the lag in updates. It's been a very overwhelming week and I've just needed some time to get my mind and emotions wrapped around all the news I have received. As I noted in my last post, the cancer has spread to my bones and a spot on my spinal cord. Dr. Livingston started me on monthly Zometa to help with the bones and I've started radiation treatments to the spot on my spinal cord. I am on treatment 7 out of 20.

Since the tests that showed these results, I had a chest CAT scan that shows some cancer in my lungs and possibly in the space surrounding my lungs, and a spot on my spleen. I don't know about anywhere else because I think that is all they were able to see on this particular scan.

The scan also showed quite a bit of fluid around my lungs and that is partly why I have been having so much trouble breathing. They removed 1200cc of fluid from my left pleural space yesterday and 1100 cc from my right pleural space today. Already, my breathing is somewhat better.

So, we are really truly in fight mode right now, not for a cure, but for a possible remission period and time. Initially, Dr. Livingston was hesitant to treat me concurrently with chemo while recieving my radiation treatments, fearing permanent damage to the spinal cord. Dr. Tannehill, my radiation oncologist was out of town until last night, but got right in touch with me and Dr. Livinston last evening when he got back and we've been able to come up with a plan to start chemo that should be safe tomorrow. I will be going up to Tucson early tomorrow to get started.

It is a very scary time for me right now, but it does feel good to have a plan in place. I'm realistic about my prognosis, but also have hope that some people do attain fairly decent periods of remission. It is all going to depend on how my cancer reacts to the chemo. So far, it has been pretty darn resistant and aggressive.

So, my plan is to continue to use my blog to keep people updated with what is going on medically with me, but to also put the focus on the wonderful things I am finding to celebrate in each day. And, in spite of all the bad news over this last week, there has been plenty to celebrate, too.

Pam is here. She went up to Flagstaff Sunday morning to bring Joey down for a visit. He has to go back up on Saturday to return to work, but it has been wonderful spending time with him. He and Joe are going to look at a car this evening, so that he has a way to get back and forth from Flagstaff without worrying about the bus schedule. This will also help him commute between his job and classes at the community college this fall. He looks great and is such a happy spirit!

Janaya and Andrew came over for Easter breakfast on the patio. We made chocolate chip pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream on top! YUMM!

The weather has been beautiful and I've been spending a lot of time outdoors just enjoying it. I put in new planters at the front entrance and they look really pretty.

And, I actually was able to get on my bike and ride a mile around my neighborhood yesterday. It feels good to be able to do normal things like that.

Michael has decided that spending $12 for a haircut is way overpriced and so enlisted my help the other night in a home do. When Joey arrived from Flagstaff on Sunday, he had done his own, too! I will have to get a picture of them together. They look so much alike!

Easter Morning Pictures

Enjoying the spring weather spending time outdoors planting.

Well, that is it for now. Probably no update tomorrow. This new chemo can be a bit rough and they told me to plan on an eight hour day in Tucson. I have been feeling all of the love and support coming my way and as always it sustains me.

Love you all!
Martha

Kind of a Bummer Day

2010-03-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. I'm just home from Michael's lacrosse game and my radiation treatment.

Well, we certainly found out why Chapperal is rated #1 in the state. Final score was 13-5. :>( What was even more of a bummer than the loss was for some reason coach didn't play the players who have been first string all season hardly at all, including Michael. Michael has played full minutes except for when they are man-up at every game all season and today got very few minutes. Another starter didn't get any minutes at all. I think coach was feeling a bit panicked about playing Chapperal, who he knew were a high scoring team, and instead of sticking with the kids who have been successful so far this season put in the players that he thought took the most shots. We did take a lot of shots, but obviously not many went in. Obviously Michael was down about the whole thing and so was I.

I forgot about taking a camera to radiation, so no pictures of that.

My CAT scan was canceled today because the machine was down. I will be getting it done tomorrow morning instead. I don't know why, but I am more anxious about this test than almost any I've had in the past. I know my doctors keep telling me they think my breathing problem is related to the lesion on my spine, but I'm so scared that the cancer has spread to my lungs. It's just so very scary to be constantly struggling with my breathing and not being sure what the cause is. I'm thinking because I'm not having the test done until tomorrow, I may not get results until next week. I HATE waiting for test results. Please say lots of prayers and send lots of good thoughts my way tonight and tomorrow. They mean so much to me.

Love you all!
Martha

Tucson Update

2010-03-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. Joe and I went up to see Dr. Livingston on Monday as planned. We now have a plan in place. We have to take care of the lesion on my spinal cord first. Because of its location, if we don't it could become life-threatening. Dr. Tannehill was so sweet when he called to tell me the results of the scan and that I would need a course of radiation. He called about 2:00 on Friday, as soon as he had the official results of the MRIs that had been done that morning. He explained, "This is not an emergency, but we also don't want to be too casual about it either. Can you be here at 3:30 for your planning session?" He is wonderful!

Dr. Livingston explained to me that I cannot be on chemotherapy for the bone metastasis at the same time as radiation because the chemo potentiates the effect of the radiation, not only to the tissue they are aiming at, but any tissue it travels through which would be my spinal cord. Not a good thing. He did increase my Zometa, the drug which is supposed to strengthen my bones and help prevent bone metastasis, from once every six months to once a month and gave me my first dose while I was up in Tucson.

I go back up to Tucson next Friday to have a new port put in in preparation for when they are able to start the chemo. I am scheduled to start two days after I finish my radiation treatments. At this time, Dr. Livingston wants to put me back on the Abraxane and Avastin that I was on prior to my mastectomy surgery. These drugs did not get rid of the cancer in my lymph nodes, but did completely eradicate it from my breast, so he feels they may be effective. He explained that they are approved as front-line treatment for metastatic breast cancer and if he tries something else first, he won't be able to get these drugs approved again. The good side to this plan is I've been on these drugs before and know what to expect. They decrease my appetite and make me very tired, but other than that I tolerated them pretty well. And, I don't think they will make my hair fall out, a nice benefit since I've just really started to get back to looking somewhat normal! :>)

Dr. Livingston thinks my breathing problem is related to the lesion on my spinal cord and swelling in that area. The radiation treatments will also cause some swelling, so he placed my on high dose steroids. Lots of yucky side effects to this. :>( But, he says they go away pretty quickly as soon as I'm tapered off of them. I'm also going tomorrow for a chest CT scan just to rule out other possible causes.

So, that is what we know for now. It feels good to have a plan in place. It's been a busy and fun weekend, which has been nice because it keeps my mind off of all the cancer stuff.

On Saturday, we drove up to Tucson to watch Michael and the lacrosse team take on the Tucson Sabercats. The Sabercats were undefeated before this game with a 5-0 record. The Tigers beat them 8-4! It was a great game and very worth the drive up there. The Tigers are ranked 5th in the state now! Tomorrow night they take on Chapperal which is ranked #1 in the state. It should be an exciting game!

On Sunday, we went over to Janaya's house to help her do yardwork. She rents a house with her boyfriend, Andrew, and her girlfriend, Kierra. I guess they keep the back blinds closed and don't go out to the backyard very often. Well, Janaya went out for some reason this past week and discovered that the weeds had grown at least knee-high and covered the entire backyard! Believe me, as you will see in the pictures below, it was quite a project!

Today, I went for my first radiation treatment. It is much easier than the treatments they did to my chest after my mastectomy surgery. On Friday, when I went for the planning session. They made a mask that fits over my face and clamps down to the table. They did a Cat scan and placed markers on it. This makes sure my head is in the exact same position each time I'm treated and that the rays go where they're supposed to. Today was just supposed to be a dry run, but once they got me set up and the x-rays done, they decided to go ahead and do my treatment. The actual treatment actually takes less than a minute. They give me a dose from my left side that lasts about 15-20 seconds and then one from the right that lasts about 30 seconds. I go for twenty treatments, Monday through Fridays. That's it! Not too bad as long as you're not claustrophobic. I'm going to take my camera tomorrow and see if they'll take a picture of me in the mask.

My friend, Carol, dropped by last Thursday with dinner and flowers. It was beautiful outside this morning so I took the flowers outside to take pictures of them. Salem, our cat, was out with me and sat next to them sniffing them and it would have made the perfect picture, but by the time I got the camera zoomed in and focused, she had walked away; probably because up to now every time she's gone anywhere near them I've chased her away. Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of the flowers (right from Carol's backyard!) and Salem.

Well, that's all for today. If I get a picture of me in the mask, maybe I'll try to post it tomorrow. Hopefully, along with a victory photo from Michal's lacrosse game!

Love you all!
Martha

2010-03-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. I know by now many of you have heard my most recent news. I had the follow-up MRI that Dr. Livingston told me to get at some point to confirm whether or not the spots on my spine were cancer. Well, they were cancer and in the time that has elapsed from when the Cat scan was done in January and the MRI which was done a week ago, several new spots on other vertabrae have popped up. In addition to that, there is a 7x8mm cancerous lesion on my spinal cord high up in my cervical spine. Obviously, this is not good news. This is when the docs give you that, "We'll do everything we can to extend your life and give you quality of life," discussion. It is pretty sureal sitting there listening to it!

So, just like we've done from the start of this whole journey, we are taking one day at a time.

I went yesterday and had additional MRI's of my brain and cervical spine. The good news was there was no cancer in my brain. :>) I then went for a planning session for radiation treatments to the spot on my spinal cord. Dr. Tannehill says they should be able to zap it and completely get rid of that spot. He says the dose of radiation I'll be recieving and the angle at which they deliver it doesn't involve much risk except for the usual radiation fatigue. I was worried about damage to the spinal cord causing neurological problems, but he didn't seem to think that was anything for me to worry about.

Monday, I go up to Tucson to see Dr. Livingston and we will make a plan as to how to attack the cancer in the bones. There are chemo drugs that have been shown to be effective against triple negative breast cancer that I have not had yet.

My biggest worry right now is I am having a lot of difficulty with my breathing and they aren't sure, yet, why. It could be the lesion putting pressure on my spinal cord effecting the nerves that control my breathing. If that is the case, it should get better as the radiation shrinks that lesion. I also have fluid around my lungs again, so it could be that. And of course, there is always the chance that the cancer has also spread to my lungs. I will probably be getting another chest Cat scan this week to help us figure out what is going on.

Obviously, we are all feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, but we are staying strong. Pam arrived from NJ last night. It feels great to have her here. I know I will feel much better after my visit with Dr. Livingston on Monday and I know what the whole treatment plan is.

Dr. Tannehill told me that once breast cancer has metastasized, they no longer talk of curing it. However, people do live for years with it, keeping it under control with different treatments. So, I am of course very sad and very scared, but I have not given up hope that I still have quite a bit of time here ahead of me. And, I have plans to make the most of it! Is that the margarita express I hear honking? :>)

I met with my friend and principal, Sheila, Thursday, after meeting with Dr. Tannehill and she, Joe, and I came to the decision that it is in the best interest of me, my family, and my students for me to leave teaching again. My students have been absolutely wonderful this year, but they are only ten years old and every time I have to miss a day because of a test or a doctor's appointment they worry. I would have to miss numerous days during this last quarter of school for appointments and procedures and I just don't think it's fair to put them through that. I am devastated by the decision and so wish I could have made it through to the end of the year, but we all agreed it was the best choice. The good side to this is that I will be able to conserve my energy for fighting the cancer and for spending time with my family. Those have to be my priority right now.

And, speaking of spending time with family, we just celebrated Janaya's 22nd birthday a week ago. I can't believe she is 22. She has grown up into such a beautiful young woman and I am so proud to be her mom. Here are a couple of pictures from her birthday.

Janaya and Andrew at the Cheesecake Factory.

Janaya and Michael

Proud mom and dad.

Happy mother and daughter.

A birthday kiss from Brewski!

Lacrosse season has also started and so we are busy going to the games and cheering Michael and the rest of the team on. Most of the varsity team is seniors and they are a great group of boys, many of whom have been playing lacrosse together since junior high. Their record so far is 3 and 1. Their one loss was to Chandler and they only lost by one point. It seems like it's going to be a great season.

Joe bought me a new super zoom lens for Christmas just so I would have it for lacrosse season. I have been practicing trying to get some good shots of Michael playing. I'll post a couple below.

Well, that is it for now. Other than struggling with my breathing and feeling tired because of that, I feel just fine. I feel confident in my doctors and know they will do everything possible to help me fight this and we'll just keep on keeping on, one day at a time!

Love you all!

Martha

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

2010-02-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! Today was the day I went up to Tucson to see Dr. Livingston to find out where I'm at on the cancer front and make a new plan now that I had finished up with my radiation and chemo. I have been trying so hard to be positive over the last couple of weeks, but it was hard and I was an absolute nervous wreck driving up there today.

But . . . GREAT NEWS!!!! My tumor markers are down from 60 to 47. Still a bit above normal, but Dr. Livingston strongly feels they were elevated due to the shots I was getting to keep my blood counts up. He said high white blood cell counts will increase the tumor marker level. (Hmmmm . . . makes me wonder why Dr. Wendt didn't tell me that! He gave Joe and I no other explanation besides it meaning cancer.) Dr. Livingston thinks that now that I am finished with my chemo and no longer on the shots, the markers are on their way down. Phew! And, my alkaline phosphatase was back down to within the normal levels! Phew!! And, when he looked at my Pet/CT scan films, he didn't see anything that looked like cancer to him! Phew!!! He says as far as he can tell, I AM CANCER FREE!!!! He wants me to get an MRI scan of my spine some time in the next several weeks, just to confirm that nothing is going on, but he totally expects it to be negative. He said, "See you in three months!"

Oh my goodness! I tried to be positive and visualize him telling me that news so many times over the last couple of weeks, but every time I did, I couldn't help but also visualize recieving bads news, too. Of course after getting a huge hug from Joe, the first thing I did was call Pam. Poor thing! I was crying so hard with relief I could barely tell her the news. I think I may have panicked her for a few minutes!

I will see Dr. Wendt on Wednesday, get my PICC line taken out, and except for getting the MRI scan done sometime during spring break, I won't have to see or talk to a doctor for three whole months! I have to keep pinching myself!

So, I'm off to bed. Back to school tomorrow. No more excuses for being tired and miserable! :>)

As always, sending all of my love and thanks to all of you!
Martha

An Overdue Update

2010-02-13T14:58:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! This post is overdue for two, very opposite reasons! First, because I was feeling terrible and just wasn't up to posting, and then second, because I'm now feeling so wonderful and have just been too busy doing other things to take the time to sit down and update!

I finished up my chemo on January 27th and not a moment too soon because it was really catching up with me. I was exhausted and had developed what they call hand and foot syndrome as a side effect of the one chemo drug I was on. The skin on my hands and feet became red and rough and it burned my feet to walk. My fingers and toes were also becoming numb, another side effect of the chemo. So, I was plenty glad to be done with it all!

Only, a week and a half after finishing, I wasn't really feeling any better. I couldn't understand it. Then, two weeks ago from yesterday, the alarm woke me up to get ready for school and I literally couldn't get out of bed. Luckily, for me, there are two wonderful teachers who have retired in the past couple of years from my school and both of them have offered to be on call for me on a moment's notice. I ran a fever all day Friday and then it broke in the middle of the night and I woke up Saturday feeling better. Then, in the middle of the day, my port started to become tender and by eight that night my whole right chest was red and the area over my port was inflamed. UGH! Off to the hospital we went. Joe said to me, "Should we bring a bag?" Me, being naive or just not wanting to acknowledge the seriousness of it said, "No, they'll just give me some antibiotic and send me home." Wrong! Five days in the hospital on IV antibiotics, surgery to remove the port, and then placement of a long term IV line called a PICC line. It is in my upper right arm and goes right into the superior vena cava, just like my port did. The only difference is this line is external and the port was internal.

So, I am home and back to work. Joe helps me administer my antibiotic each evening. He is amazing! First he had to learn to give me the shots to keep my blood counts up and now he is giving me my IV antibiotic each night! I will be on it for a total of two weeks at home, but really started to feel better the day after they removed my infected port. My energy level is almost back to what it was before all of this started. I still tire a little more easily and am in bed most nights by eight, but it is nothing like the exhaustion I was experiencing. I have also have a voracious appetite and am eating all the time.

Joe had wanted to buy me a bike for Christmas and at that time I told him absolutely not. At that point, I was so feeling so bad, I wasn't sure I'd ever have the energy to get back on a bike. Well, last weekend, Joe took me shopping and bought me a beautiful red bike as an early Valentine's Day present. I am up to riding about three miles a day! It feels great to be able to do things again! I went today and restarted my gym membership and signed up for twice a week, half hour personal training sessions. Everything I read stresses the importance of exercise for people with cancer, but up until now I just haven't had any reserve energy.

My family and friends, as always, have been an amazing support through this latest adventure. I was pretty depressed in the hospital and Pam picked up on that when she talked to me on the phone. So, she did what she's done since this whole experience started, jumped on a plane and surprised me with a visit. Her family (and that seems like a weird way to word it because they are my family,too) is just amazing and all pull together and make everything work at home while she is gone. Joey also surprised me by coming down from Flagstaff for a three day weekend when I got discharged from the hospital. Janaya and Michael came and played games and watched TV with me at the hosptal so I didn't get too lonely. Joe's parents were already out here to help him celebrate being installed as the president of Arizona's Builder's Alliance.

So, I am in a really good place right now. I will be having tumor markers drawn next week in preparation for going to see Dr. Livingston in Tucson on the 22nd. It is hard to keep the knowledge that they were elevated in December out of my mind, but I've decided to adopt the attitude of a dear lady, my principal's Aunt Teresa.

Aunt Teresa was diagnosed with breast cancer eleven years ago, had a lumpectomy, and was fine. She was recently diagnosed again with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy at 87 years old. There was no sign her cancer had spread beyond her breast. She called me just a couple of days after her surgery to thank me for a small present I had sent her. During our conversation I told her how glad I was that her surgery had gone so well and that the outcome was so positive. Her response was that she has always been an optimist and that she just knew going into the surgery that everything was going to be ok. I think of those words every day and it really helps me to keep the right attitude. I am usually a very positive, optimistic person, too, but the constant barrage of treatment over the past fourteen months had started to get to me. Aunt Teresa's words to me were a wake-up call. I am going to Tucson on the 22nd with a positive, optimistic attitude that everything is going to be all right. Thank you, Aunt Teresa!

Here are a few pictures taken last weekend.

These top three are of me with my new bike. They only had a black one in the store, but Joe asked and they sent us to their other store so I could get a red one. My favorite color! Joey is in the top picture with me with his long board.

The weekend after I got out of the hospital, we all went out to The House of Tricks for dinner to celebrate my feeling better.

Joe's Mom and Dad.

Janaya and Andrew.

Joe and me.

Pam and me.

Well, that's it for now! Back to watching the Olympics! And, Nascar starts tomorrow! Yippee!

Love you all tons!

Martha

An Update from Martha's Sister

2010-01-31T09:39:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone, Martha asked me to update her blog because she has been extremely busy. So, here I go.

Michael and Joey both had birthdays during the month of January. Michael is officially an adult and Joey is enjoying his second decade of life. Martha, Joe, and Janaya took Michael out to the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate. About a week later, Michael and Martha drove up and spent the weekend in Flagstaff with Joey. The guys enjoyed snowboarding while Martha hung out at the hotel. They celebrated Joey’s birthday by going out to dinner with Joey and his friends.

Janaya is all settled into her new home. She is actively trying to convince Andrew that they need a labradoodle puppy. Janaya is making progress, but I think it will take actually holding a puppy before she can completely convince him.

Joe’s parents came out for a visit to attend the Arizona Builders Alliance dinner. At the dinner, Joe was honored as President of this organization. It was a great evening enjoyed by all.

Martha finished her last chemo treatment this past Wednesday. After talking with her doctors and family, she decided to enjoy a month of no tests or treatments. Well, one of the many things that we have learned about cancer is that as soon as you have a plan the plan changes. Instead of feeling better after the last chemo treatment, Martha started to feel a bit worse. As it turns out her port is infected. I can’t believe this bad timing! When I think about all that has gone through that port and now it gets infected! The good news is that we figured out what was going on. Martha is receiving IV antibiotics. Martha is tired, but she is already starting to feel better.

The doctors are watching her and then they will decide if the port should be removed. At this point, we are thinking that the doctors will remove the port. This isn’t a major procedure and besides being achy there is no recovery time.

If you want to contact Martha she is checking her blog and email.

Martha's sister,
Pam

An Overdue Update

2009-12-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! Sorry I have been so slow in posting an update. I was so exhausted the couple of weeks before the holiday break that I just didn't have the energy and then Joe, Michael, and I were visiting family in New Jersey over most of the break.

I know the last time I posted I said I would put up pictures of Michael and his now girl friend, Brittany, from winter formal. Here they are:

We are only just getting to know Brittany, but she is very friendly and funny and she and Michael get along great. Plus, she is planning on going to NAU next year, too.

We had a wonderful Christmas. Joey came down from Flagstaff Thursday morning and then had to go back up on Saturday because of work. It was a short visit with him, but so great to get to spend time with him. I know I say this all the time, but I miss him terribly. He loves his job as a cook at Black Bart's Steakhouse and really enjoys the people he works with. We got him a new longboard for Christmas and he is very anxious for the weather up there to warm up so he can use it. Janaya and Andrew spent Christmas Eve with us. We had dinner and then played games. We are slowly getting to know Andrew more and more and are glad he is becoming a part of our family. Michael got a new mountain bike. He plans on using it a lot when he goes up to Flagstaff next year for school. He spent Christmas afternoon out riding it on South Mountain. We somehow forgot to take a whole family picture this year, but here are a couple of pictures from Christmas Day.

The day after Christmas, it was off to New Jersey! We had a wonderful visit! We got to spend time with Pam and her family, as well as Joe's parents and his brother, Sim's, and sister, Sue's families. Joe's family considers Pam and her family part of their family (she and I are kind of a package deal!). On Tuesday, Pam and Jim had arranged for us to go into New York City and see the Christmas show at Radio City Music Hall. It was fabulous! Then, on New Year's Eve, Pam's family and ours went up to Joe's parents. Again, it was a great time. All of the kids get along wonderfully, though it does get pretty loud at times. We ate and played games all night. The next day, Sue and Sim brought their families down to Pam's house. It was a wonderful visit and I was sure sad to say goodbye. Here are some pics from the visit.

Not much news on the cancer front, except that when I went back for my chemo on the 23rd, I asked Dr. Wendt to not draw any more tumor markers until I've finished this current course of chemo and have had a chance for my body to recover some. I had been back to see my radiation oncologist, Dr. Tannehill, and he wasn't as convinced as Dr. Wendt that the rise in my tumor markers definitely meant cancer. There are a few other obscure things that can make them rise. So, I decided to get off the emotional roller coaster for a little bit and just enjoy the holidays. I will be done with this course of chemo at the end of this month and then I just want a chance to feel good for a little bit. Then, we can see where I stand and make a plan.

Ending on kind of a serious note today. Just a couple of days before Christmas, a mom of two students at our school passed away after battling cancer for over six years. Her family had moved here for her husband's work just a year ago and they had no local family support at all. The staff at our school adopted this family and did everything they could to help them through this difficult year. Last spring, I learned about this family through our school nurse. Since I was feeling somewhat better from my chemo and was home full time, I offered to help. I could cook, clean, do laundry, babysit, run errands. Instead, I was simply asked to be a friend to this woman; to visit and talk and be an emotional support. It took me a couple of weeks to get up my nerve and contact her; I'm pretty shy around new people. We arranged to meet and I spent about two hours visiting at her home. She shared her story of all she had been through over the previous years battling cancer. When I left, I gave her my phone number and my email address and told her to please contact me if I could do anything at all to help. However, I never contacted her again. Hearing her story at that time was just too scary for me. It is hard sometimes to not let your mind go down the road of what ifs and listening to her story made those what ifs seem all too possible. I felt bad for not being there for her like so many others at my school were. I tried telling myself that she wasn't calling me either, trying to make myself feel better. But, in reality, I had closed off a big part of myself to her. It is the same reason I haven't joined a support group or participated in the many online communities for breast cancer patients. There is still a big part of me that wants to deny that this has really happened to me. The reason I'm telling all of you this is because I want to say thank you to all of you who love me and support me and aren't afraid to make a place in your heart for me. You are all what makes life so beautiful and worth fighting for.

With much love,
Martha

Not Sure What This New News Means

2009-12-12T06:33:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone. I've gone back and fortrh with myself over whether or not to post this new news or not. Maybe if I wait something will come up that makes it not seem as bad as it is, I keep thinking to myself. In the end, I've decided to post because I not only use this blog to keep everyone updated, but because it has also become a therapeutic journal of my experiences, too.

Dr. Wendt drew lab work this past Wendnesday before giving me my chemo; just like he does every time. When I went back the following day for my Neulasta shot, he had gotten the results back. My alkaline phosphatase has gone back up to 287 and my tumor markers almost doubled, going from 34 to 60 - no longer in the normal range.

There is really no explanation for it except that there is cancer somewhere. We will repeat the lab work when I go back in two weeks and if the markers are still elevated, more tests will be ordered, an MRI or bone scan.

So, as always, this journey continues to be an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, each day for me right now is an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, I'm fine and tell myself I've still got a fighting chance. I'm being monitored so closely and treated so aggressively that even if there is cancer somewhere, we're getting at it early. Other times, I freak out and panic. Tumor markers going up while I'm in the middle of chemotherapy can't be good. I worry that this cancer is so aggressive that nothing is going to work. I worry that every little ache and pain (and I've got a lot of little aches and pains as a result of all I've been through this past year!) is cancer. I know it is not good for my health to worry like that, but it is hard to control where your thoughts go sometimes.

One thing that helps tremendously is all the love and support I get from my friends at school. Being back at work this year has been one of the hardest things I've done, and yet also one of the best.

I had no idea when I returned to teaching in August how difficult this journey was going to be. Maybe I was naive, but I thought I'd finish up my radiation, do the next course of chemo, and be done and well by the end of November. I've never really been sick before and so I don't have a lot to compare to, but when I had our kids or my jaw surgery a couple of years ago, I bounced back quickly and easily. That's not happerning this time, probably because I just can't seem to get a break from all the treatment. Instead of feeling like a ball that bounces back up every time you drop it, I feel like an egg that just keeps smashing into the concrete over and over.

But, while school is so very difficult for me physically, right now, it is also the very best thing emotionally. My kids are awesome! They are the sweetest, nicest, kindest, most hard working class I've had, and that's saying a lot because I've always had wonderful classes. They made me cry a week or so ago. I was out for the day to have my thoracentesis and when I came back the next morning, I found a note they had written and all signed, asking me to please get better because they didn't want me to have to leave teaching again. That note is my inspiration to get my feet on the ground each morning even when I am feeling terrible! Plus, my day is filled with hugs and words of encouragement from all of my teacher friends. Hardly a morning goes by that someone doesn't stop by my room to see how I am and give me a hug. Too often, I end up crying when that happens, my emotions are stretched pretty thin right now, but I always feel stronger and more ready to face the day afterwards.

My family continues to be my rock. Pam calls or writes every day and sends me cute Hallmark cards that make me smile. She will be here for a few days this week again. I can't wait. Joe amazes me with his tireless efforts to do everythng in his power to help me. He works long days, comes home and makes sure I have a good dinner, works on the bills, takes care of the house, tells me I'm beautiful when right now it is the farthest thing from the truth, goes to every single doctor appointment and test with me. I honestly don't know how he does all he does and love him so very much. My kids are amazing and don't let a day go by without showing me with their words and actions how much they love me. I love them and am so proud of them!

A story on the news this week reminded me again of how fragile life is. A 27 year old fire fighter was killed in northern Arizona by a falling tree when he was out camping during the storm that came through this week. A father and husband and so very young. It reminded me to hold tight to and treasure all the memories that I have from all the days I've been given and to make the most of each of the ones I have in the future.

So, I'm off to do that now! Christmas shopping this weekend, going to As You Wish with Janaya, and Michael is going to winter formal! Check back in the next couple of days for pictures - he is sooooooo handsome!

Good News!

2009-12-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone. I am so very sorry it has taken me so long to get this post up. My test results are back and there is no sign of cancer anywhere! I'm sure you can all imagine how relieved I am! I was so scared that the trouble with my breathing, the back pain, and the fluid on my lungs meant the cancer had spread to my lungs. Then, with the alkaline phosphatase being elevated, I started to worry that it was in my bones, too. The doctors aren't sure why it is elevated, but the PET scan didn't show any signs of bone cancer. The fluid around my lungs is most likely a side effect of the radiation.

So, I"m not feeling real good right now, but it is much easier to deal with the idea that everything I'm going through is a result of all the treatment I've had and that it should all eventually get better than the thought that the cancer had spread throughout my body!

Tomorrow, I will be halfway through what is hopefully my last course of chemo. I should be finished completely with it by the end of January. So far, it hasn't been too bad, mostly struggling with nausea and fatigue. The CAT scan last Monday showed that the fluid is reaccumulating around my lungs. I already knew it by how I'm feeling. I'm still pretty short of breath and my back hurts a lot. I'm guessing I'll have to have it drained again at some point.

More good news! Pam is coming out for a few days starting on the 15th and then Joe, Michael, and I are going back to visit New Jersey the day after Christmas. I can't wait!

Well, it's taken me so long to get this posted because I'm just so tired and sore by the time I get home from school, so I'm off to bed!

Thank you, everyone, for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. They have sustained me through another difficult part of this journey.

Lots of love to everyone!
Martha

Feeling Better/Still Waiting for Test Results

2009-11-29T14:38:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! It has just been a week since I last wrote and I am feeling much better. I went on Tuesday and had a thoracentesis done. Basically, they stuck a needle into the space where the fluid had accumulated around my right lung and drained it out. They removed a half liter of fluid and within a few hours I was able to breath much better. They tell me that a half liter of fluid is a relatively small amount compared to what they sometimes remove from patients, but it has made a huge difference in how I feel. They sent the fluid off for testing and I should know the results of that tomorrow.

I went for my second dose of Navelbine on Wednesday and Dr. Wendt drew more labs. My alkaline phosphatase went down a little bit, from 283 to 255 and my tumor markers went from 32.5 to 33.4, up a tiny bit, but still in the normal range. They did a test on the alkaline phosphatase they drew last week to tell if the elevation was coming from the liver or the bone and it turned out that it is the bone causing the elevation. All of my doctors tell me they don't think the cancer has spread to my bones. They don't have any real reason to think this, but say it just doesn't "feel" like bone metastasis to them. They qualify this by saying that this doesn't mean it's not bone metastasis, they just don't think so right now. I am scheduled for a PET/CT scan tomorrow and hopefully this will give us more information. We are all hoping that all of the things going on symptom-wise and lab work-wise are side effects of all the treatment I've already had. Fingers and toes all crossed!

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Joey was able to come down from Flagstaff for a couple of days. It is always great to see him; I miss him terribly. We had a quiet day at home, watching football and playing games and cooking. No funny turkey story this year because we skipped the turkey altogether! The boys don't like turkey and Joe has just gotten a new grill, so we did steaks! I did make stuffing and apple pie, so we weren't completely nontraditional. Janaya and Andrew did lunch with his family and then were here in time to do dinner with us. Then, we played a domino game called Mexican Train. It was a great day.

Yesterday, I took Janaya and Michael to the ASU/U of A game. We had a great time! Last weekend, I couldn't come up the stairs from the basement in our house without almost passing out and having to lie on the couch for twenty minutes to catch my breath. Yesterday, I climbed up to row 23, twice, and was just a little bit short of breath! It is amazing the difference a week can make. ASU lost, but it was a great game and we all came home a little bit hoarse from all the yelling and cheering we did.

This is a picture taken in our driveway before we left for the game. We dropped Joey off in Scottsdale because he was getting a ride back up to Flagstaff from a friend. Joe stayed home and worked on his car.

This is Janaya, Michael, and me at the game. We were in the nosebleeds!

I can't help but think about where we were at this time last year. I had just been diagnosed less than two weeks before Thanksgiving and had been given a pretty poor prognosis. It was a very scary and overwhelming time for us. I am very thankful for every day I've been given this past year. I'm thankful for all of my doctors. Joe, Pam, and I are constantly amazed and in awe of how knowledgeable and caring each of them are. I'm thankful for the experiences over the last year that have opened my eyes and heart in new ways to the beauty of the world, my friends, and my family.

I hope each of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. You were all in my heart and thoughts.

Lots of love!
Martha

A Scary Turn of Events

2009-11-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone. This past week or so has been a pretty scary one for me and my family. I have hesitated to write about it. First, I didn't want to in any way overshadow the amazing accomplishment of Pam, Joe, and Janaya. I posted the slide show of the pictures of their walk without any comment because I just couldn't come up with words that were capable of expressing my love and admiration for them. Second, I think in some subconscious way, I felt that if I didn't type the words maybe they wouldn't be true.

I have been having some difficulty with my breathing ever since the surgery to repair the damage from the radiation. It started out pretty mild and at first I thought it was just a side effect of having received general anesthesia. But, it has gradually gotten worse over the following weeks. I had a chest x-ray done about two weeks ago which was negative. Then, last weekend, the shortness of breath seemed to get worse and I developed pain in my back. We went to see my radiation oncologist and he sent me the next morning for a chest CAT scan which shows I've got fluid around my lungs. He is not sure what is causing it. It could be an infection, some kind of virus or fungus, or it could be cancer. He said looking at the films that it doesn't present like cancer usually would, but to someone whose cancer didn't show up on any of her mammograms, ultrasounds, or MRI's this is little solace. I go Tuesday morning for a needle aspiration of the fluid and we will know more when we get the results of that.

In the meantime, I started my new chemo, Navelbine and Xeloda. Dr. Wendt ordered routine bloodwork to be done before giving me the chemo. My tumor markers were 30 which is in the normal range, but up from the last ones which were 26. Everything else was normal except for my alkaline phosphatase. The normal range for this test is 39-145 and mine was 265. I didn't think much of it at first. The nurse who gave me my results didn't even mention it. Then, when we got home and looked it up on the Internet, we found out that an elevated level is an indication of problems with the liver or bone, two of the places breast cancer likes the most. Dr. Tannehill, my radiation oncologist, ordered a bunch of lab work when I saw him last week and the alkaline phosphatase level had gone up to 283. He ordered additional lab work that will tell us if it is coming from the liver or the bone.

So, it is a pretty nerve-wracking time around here right now. I'm tired from being sore and short of breath all the time. I am trying very hard to not let my mind jump ahead to conclusions until we have all the test results in, but it is hard not to do. I'm really, really scared.

One of the highlights of my week was going out to happy hour with my friends, Carol, Norma, Ruthie, and Janaya. Carol said something to me about my being brave in sharing my journey with all of you. I told her it is not a matter of being brave at all. It is a matter of survival. The love and support I receive from each of you, the words of encouragement, the hugs, the prayers and good thoughts, are what enable me to face each day and not let the fear overwhelm me. Unfortunately, I am not the first person to have to make this journey and I know I won't be the last. It doesn't do any good to ask, "Why me?" It is what it is. But, the one thing I can count on, the bright spot in all of this, is knowing how many people are here for me, walking beside me each step of the way, giving me the courage, hope, and strength to face whatever lies ahead.

Thank you.
Martha

They Did It!

2009-11-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

Drains Out!

2009-11-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

Well, this Tuesday was three weeks from my surgery and I've healed up great. I had an appointment Wednesday to follow up with the plastic surgeon and have my drains removed. They were absolutely the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing. Every time I moved, I could feel them pulling at the stitches in my side or causing irritation under the skin. It is amazing how something like those drains can wear on your energy and emotions. I had thought several times of snipping the stitches myself and pulling them out, but was afraid I'd chicken out.

My appointment was for 3:45. Joe and I walked into the surgery clinic at 3:35 and within just a couple of minutes were taken to an examining room. Dr. Hurst came in withing a couple of minutes, looked at my incisions, asked how I was doing, and said everything looked great. We'd get the drains out and I'd be on my way. I undressed and sat waiting, ready, on the examing table. Dr. Hurst told me to take a deep breath and hold it. I did, squeezed my eyes shut and whammo, he yanked the first drain out. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! That really hurt! It felt like someone stabbed me with a knife. Egads! Two more to go. Ok. Deep breath and hold. OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! THAT HURT! THAT REALLY HURT! I started to panic. How in the world was I going to get through a third drain being yanked? It was excruciating. I squeezed my eyes tighter, and gripped the table harder and waited for his instructions to take a breath and . . . nothing. I slowly peeked out and looked down. He had pulled the last two together! Oh, thank goodness!!!! This experience truly gave meaning to the saying that ignorance is bliss. If I had had any idea of how badly pulling those drains out was going to hurt, I know they'd have had to sedate me! Luckily, the relief from the discomfort the drains were causing was almost immediate. It felt so good to be able to move about and turn over in bed that night and each day since has been better. We were out of the clinic and back in our car by 3:45!

Everything else continues to go well. I'm scheduled to start my new chemo regimen this coming Wednesday and it should last twelve weeks. I'm starting to feel more energetic and am finally staying up past 7:oo in the evening. I have developed a bit of a cough and I have a lymph node in my left groin that is swollen right now, but it seems the consensus is to just watch for right now. I've learned that living with worry and fear are part of this disease. I'm working very hard at not letting them overwhelm me and detract from the joy of living each day.

School and life have been very busy and I haven't gotten together with my friends in a while. I miss you guys!

The three day walk is next weekend and Pam, Janaya, and Joe are getting geared up to participate. As a team, they raised over $10,000! I'm so proud of them and wish I could participate with them. Thank you very much to all of you who donated. You are all my everyday superheroes!

The walk starts at the park right here in Gilbert and the walkers will go right past my elementary school. I will be out there with my students cheering them all on. The kids in my class wrote letters that will be given out to the walkers next weekend and reading some of their sentiments brought me to tears. It is sad to know how many families have been effected by this disease.

Well, that is all.
Lots of love and hugs to each of you!
Martha

Another Surgery Done

2009-10-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! I think I mentioned in one of my previous posts that the radiation had been pretty hard on my skin by the end and especially my mastectomy incision. When I went for my one month follow up appointment with my radiation oncologist, he said that if we tried to let it heal on its own, it could take up to a year. In the meantime, my medical oncologist did not want me to start my next chemo until I was healed. So, the decision was made to see an oncology plastic surgeon to repair the damage.

It is definitely a ride to and from Tucson each time, but the doctors taking care of me there have been absolutely wonderful, and Dr. Hurst, the plastic surgeon, was no different. I told Joe he looked like someone who would play a plastic surgeon on TV; classic good looks and a great smile. And yet, he was so kind and patient in explaining everything to Joe and I. He is also being wonderful about working around my school schedule so I don't have to take days off from teaching.

I am on fall break this week, so we scheduled surgery for this past Tuesday. My time was To Be Announced, so we waited at home Tuesday morning for a call from the hospital. They called around 8:30 saying I was scheduled for 11:30, so we headed out the door for Tucson. By the time we got there, Dr. Hurst had been called in to help out in another difficult case, backing up his scedule. I ended up not going into surgery until after 4. It was a long day of anxious waiting.

The surgery went great. Don't read the rest of this paragraph if you don't want details! It was much more involved than the mastectomy surgery. He cleaned out the wound on my chest and then moved the lattisimus muscle around from my back to my front to fill in the space. He then took a flap of skin from my back and used that in the front to cover over the wound. I have an incision on my back that is about twelve inches long and a patch in the front that looks like a giant cat's eye. I told my girlfriends I'm beginning to look like a patchwork quilt and Liesl said my new nickname should be patches. :>) I have three drains that will stay in for about three weeks. Overall, the discomfort hasn't been too bad. I'm finding all of these procedures are giving me a new perspective on just what pain is. I'm alternating Advil and Percocet about every three hours and am pretty comfortable most of the time.

So, hopefully, everything is back on track now. The plan is to heal for the next three or four weeks and then get the chemo restarted. I'm doing really well; just really, really tired of all of the medical procedures.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and prayers over the last couple of days. Love you all!
Martha

Oh! I almost forgot. I said on facebook I would post pictures of my hair after I colored it, but am backing out. It took the coloring really weird and is a strange color and the texture is like that of a teddy bear - comforting on a teddy bear, not so much so on your head. I'll try again in a couple of weeks and hopefully have a better outcome.

25th Wedding Anniversary!

2009-10-10T19:02:00.001-07:00

Hi,everyone. It's been a busy week and so I didn't get to post sooner, but this past Tuesday, October 6th was Joe and my 25th wedding anniversary. It hardly seems possible that so much time has gone by. I've been typing and erasing and typing and erasing, trying to put into words my feelings about this occasion and find I can't really capture with words the emotions in my heart.

When I look at our wedding pictures, I remember how young, and optimistic, and full of dreams we were. And, I think about how very, very lucky we have been. So many of the dreams we had for our life together have come true in ways beyond our wildest imaginings. We are just as much in love today as we were on that day twenty-five years ago. Our children are our three most favorite people in the world. They are just at the ages where they are starting to take their first steps out into the world and we are so proud of the young adults they have become and love them so very much. They are our most important accomplishment and bring us so much joy.

This past year has definitely been a trying one and the future right now is still uncertain, but amidst all this upheaval and uncertainty, Joe's love and support have been a constant. There are a lot of men out there who can't handle the things he's had to and they walk away. I guess I should say we are more in love today than we were on that day twenty-five years ago because living the vows we made that day, day in and day out, through all the different experiences life has held for us, has deepened our understanding of what it means to truly love another person. I am one of the luckiest people in the world.

The Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk and My Everyday Superheroes

2009-10-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. In just a little over a month from now, the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure will be held in Phoenix. It is sometimes hard to believe an entire year has gone by since I was first diagnosed. The Phoenix walk started last November on the very same day that I recieved the official word that I did indeed have breast cancer. At the same time I was sitting in my doctor's office trying to absorb the news, hundreds of men and women were walking past my elementary school in Gilbert, Arizona. My students were out cheering the walkers on and I felt in my heart cheering me on, too.

Earlier this year, my sister, Pam, my daughter, Janaya, my husband, Joe, and I decided that we were going to participate in the walk this year. We have experienced first-hand the benefits of the continuing research into better treatments and hope one day a possible cure for breast cancer will be discovered. We knew we wanted to do something to contribute to the effort of making breast cancer a thing of the past; something our children wouldn't have to deal with. For me, it would also be an emotional celebration, a chance to show that the cancer hadn't beaten me.

Unfortunately, although all indications are that I'm cancer free at the moment, I'm not physically ready to actually walk myself. I found out this past week that I am going to need to have plastic surgery, some type of skin graft, to repair damage done to my incision by the radiation. I also have another course of chemo ahead of me when I heal from that procedure. I am so disappointed. However, I will be out there with my students, cheering on this year's walkers. Among them will be Pam, Janaya, and Joe - my everyday superheroes. On those three days in November, they will walk a total of 60 miles, but they have already walked a million steps with me on this journey over the past year. Without their love and support and their being there for me every step of the way, I know I wouldn't have had the strength to face the physical and emotional battles I've had to.

I am not alone in facing these challenges. One in every eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Every time I'm with a large group of women, at the gym, at the grocery store, at school, I think of what that means, of the lives that will be impacted.

I've posted two videos from the 3-Day website below. I think they are powerful. They are recruiting walkers, but I think they also give you an idea of the type of people who walk and why they walk. If you'd like to help support my superheroes and all of the other men and women that fight this battle or know someone who is or has fought, please visit their website. It is www.the3day.org. Click on make a donation and search for Pam Regan, Janaya Hitzel, or Joseph Hitzel. Together, their goal is to raise $6,900.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Martha

A Short Update and Michael News

2009-09-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Update:
Hi, everyone. I am, again, in a holding pattern. My doctors all agree that I need to give myself time to heal from the radiation before starting my new chemo. Part of me is relieved to have a break and another part of me is just very anxious to get going on it so I can get it behind me. As always, it is very nerve-wracking to just wait and not be doing anything proactive against the cancer returning. I know I can't be in treatment forever(at least I hope not!) and I will have to get used to living with the fear at some level, but it is not easy. My skin has finally almost completely healed from the radiation. It honestly looked so bad a couple of weeks ago that I would never have believed it if I was told it would heal this well,this quickly. The problem is that the radiation eroded part of my incision and so it has to heal from the inside out and that is going to just take time. I still am battling fatigue, especially by the end of the day, but I'm told that can take months to get better. Being in the classroom each day continues to be a source of energy and happiness for me. I have the most amazing kids!

Michael News
Two fun things to let you know about Michael. He decided this year to go out for the swim team. He is a senior this year and hadn't been on the team before, but it is a no cut sport and so he has been able to become a part of the team. It is a really nice group of kids that swim and besides occupying a lot of his time with practice and meets, he has a nice group of kids from the team he hangs out with. He came home at the end of the first week of practice with a Swimmer of the Week t-shirt. We are so proud of him. I got to go see him compete this past Thursday. Here is a short video of him participating in the 50 meter freestyle.

The other news is kind of funny. The senior class was having elections this past week for the yearbook;things like the most likely to succeed, etc. Well, one of the categories was best hair. Michael wanted to win one of the categories and worked at convincing his friends that they should vote for him for best hair. Well, I'm his mom and he is a very good looking young man, but his hair is pretty ordinary even in my eyes. I guess it was in the eyes of his friends,too, because they only agreed to vote for him if he would cut his hair in a "cul-de-sac." If you are like me, you've never heard of this style before. I think the pictures below will clear up any confusion you might have.

This last picture is one of the ones they took for the yearbook with the girl who won best hair.

So, that is all the news fit to print for now!
Love you all!
Martha

A Fantastic Labor Day Weekend!

2009-09-08T17:27:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. No news on the cancer front except that my skin is very slowly turning the corner and starting to heal. Finally! For me, radiation was definitely worse than the surgery was. But, it's in the past, another thing I've survived through and hopefully am stronger for.

Joe and I had a wonderful weekend up north at our cabin with Joey. Janaya had to work and Michael had a football tailgate and swimming practice he didn't want to miss, so it was just the three of us. I'll post pictures below, but the absolute, very best part of the weekend was just getting to spend so much time with Joey. And, he was thrilled to bespending the time with us! I told Joe on our way home -"He actually likes us!"

Playing Risk.

Joe had just taken over the Middle East, so we made him wear a towel on his head.

Cuddling up under a blanket at the beginning of September in Arizona?!!

Even Brewski got into the laid back feeling of the weekend.

Hanging out by the campfire.

And my kids tell me I'm not funny!

Playing washers.

Riding the dirt bike and quad.

They say a picture tells the story and these certainly do. It was a great weekend and I miss Joey already!

Love and hugs!
Martha

Tumor Marker Results

2009-09-01T18:38:00.001-07:00

Hi, everyone. I just wanted to share a piece of good news. Last Monday, while I was up in Tucson, I had tumor markers drawn. This is some kind of protein that shows up in the blood when there are cancer cells. It has something to do with dividing cells and that's all I know about it. It is normal to have some of this protein in the bloodstream. The normal range is 1-40 and today mine was 26! This is the lowest it has ever been. The last time I had them drawn they were 32. They may still be elevated more than they would normally be due to the effects of the radiation, which let me say are horrible! My skin is so sore! I'm miserable. :>( Luckily, I get to spend my days with my students and even though it hurts, it is not at the front of my thoughts all the time. By the time I get home, though, I am tired and really sore. Hopefully, it will start healing any day now. :>)

That's it for now! Just wanted to share the good news.

Love you all!
Martha

Done With Radiation!

2009-08-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last radiation treatment! Hooray! I really tolerated the treatments very well up until this last week. I told my friend, Nancy, it was like my skin finally held up the white flag and said enough is enough. I'm really sore, especially all along my incision area. The muscles underneath are very tight and sore, too. Dr. Kuske explained to me that the sun's radiation only effects the skin on the surface resulting in a sunburn. The radiation they used for my treatments penetrates all the way in to my muscle. He said my muscle probably looks like a medium rare steak right now. It sure feels like it. But, the treatments are done and healing can begin!

Joe got home from work early so he could go with me to the last treatment. Then, when we arrived home, Janaya had prepared a special dinner in celebration; lemon-herb chicken and watermelon and arugula salad. It was yummy! When we were done eating, she presented me with a peace bracelet from Brighton's. It is beautiful and I love it. She is such an amazing young woman!

Joe and I went up to Tucson on Monday to meet with Dr. Livingston. We didn't really recieve any new news. He just went over the plan he had discussed with us after my surgery. In about three weeks, I will start on a new chemo called Navelbine. It will be given once a week through my port for a total of twelve treatments. I will continue on the oral chemo, Xeloda, that I've been taking since my surgery, just at a higher dose. Dr. Livingston is also going to try and get my insurance to approve a drug called Zometa which in a study done in Europe has been shown to reduce the occurance of bone metastasis - one of breast cancer's favorite places to reemerge.

Dr. Livingston will continue to plan and coordinate my care, but I will be seeing a new oncologist, Dr. Wendt, here in Phoenix. This will allow me to get my weekly chemo and still continue to work without having to take a day off every week. I have an appointment to meet Dr. Wendt in two weeks. We've heard really wonderful things about him and he did some of his training with Dr. Livingston.

Going up to the cancer center this week hit me hard emotionally. I have been trying really hard to get on with living my life in a positive way and minimize the role cancer plays. It is very easy each day when I am at school with my students and friends. Each night, however, when I get home and am feeling exhausted, and the wig comes off and the prosthetic bra comes off and it's just me and the mirror, it is hard to escape. It is really hard to not let thoughts of recurrence consume me. When we arrived at the cancer center the fact that I am a cancer patient hit me full force. Seeing all the patients in various stages of disease is scary. It may be my imagination, but Dr. Livingston has seemed to be more serious to me since my surgery. He didn't say anything this time about being optimistic. I know this doesn't really mean anything: he probably didn't even realize it meant so much to me each time he's said it in the past. One good piece of news. I asked him when they talked about survival rates, when they started counting and he said from time of diagnosis. This means that I am already a nine month survivor! I was afraid it was from time of surgery which hasn't been that long.

So, that's it for now. Not much new; just continuing with the treatment plan and continually hoping for the best. School is going wonderfully and I absolutely love my students.

Till next time,
Love you all!
Martha

A Fabulous First Week of School!

2009-08-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! This week was my first week back to school with kids. It was awesome! I have 29 4th graders and each is sweeter and nicer than the next. I feel like a whole person again. I can't post a picture of them yet, because I'm not sure if I have photo releases for everyone, but here are some pictures of their mini-me's they made.

Aren't they cute?

Here is one member of our class I didn't need a photo release form for. He is our class pet, a rat named Oreo. This isn't a very good picture. Janaya took it with her phone camera. I'll try to get a better one for my next post.

It is great being back with all my friends at school, too. Everyone has been absolutely wonderful. I have gotten so many hugs and heard "welcome back, we missed you" from so many people. People are so nice and are always offering to help. I know I work at the best place and with the best people ever.

I am doing really good! I only have eight treatments left to go in my radiation. The therapist that does them each evening has warned me that these last two weeks will be the most difficult, but so far I continue to do just fine. My skin is getting red, but it isn't really sore. I'm exhausted when I leave school each day, but so is everyone else. I will be glad when I don't have to make the trek to Scottsdale every evening though!

I know this post is going to end up long, but I want to share this story. I think it shows what amazing doctors I have caring for me. Once a week, I meet with the radiation oncologist so he can check on me and see how I'm doing. This week, he came into the radiation room while I was on the table because he had to make markings on my chest to get ready to do the booster treatments to my incision that are done the last five days of treatments. I always feel a little self conscious, but it was worse in this setting. I'm laying there on the table with nothing on from the waist up, my chest scarred and red, he's drawing all over me with magic marker, and then he looks up and starts to say something to me and then stops and says, "Do you know you are beautiful? You are. I hope your husband tells you that every night." Now, this might sound creepy to some, but it wasn't. He was just being so nice to me. My therapist was in the room and everything. I thought I was going to cry, but instead just grinned from ear to ear. Joe does tell me all the time that I'm beautiful, but even though I know he truly means it, I still don't feel very beautiful some days. I went home that night with an extra bounce in my step. I have the nicest, kindest, most caring doctors any person could hope to have.

Guess what? I have a full set of eyelashes now and my hair has continued to grow in with the chemo I'm on right now. I'm so hoping the next chemo doesn't make it fall out! It grows very, very slowly and having to start from scratch again would be so discouraging. Here is a picture of my hair right now.

I left my camera at school so this is taken with Janaya's phone again.

I have an appointment with Dr. Livingston on the 24th, two days before I'm done with radiation. My understanding is that at that point he will decide what chemo he wants me to do. He will be sending his treatment plan to an oncologist in Phoenix so I can get the chemo without making the trip to Tuscon and still continue to work. I am doing so well right now, it is scary to think about starting something new. But, it will only be for twelve weeks. I keep telling myself it can't be any worse than anything else I've gone through so far.

My family is doing fine. Pam returned to NJ after being an absolutely amazing help in getting my room set up. I am kind of a slow pokey worker. She's a no messing around, let's get down to business type of worker. She got done in one day what would have taken me a week to do! My niece, Mary, came with her. Here is a picture I took of her enjoying the pool.

Isn't she beautiful?!
Janaya and Joey are enjoying their last few days before NAU and ASU start up again. Michael started his senior year. He decided to do swim team this year and is enjoying it so far, but is exhausted in the evenings. Probably a good thing for a teenager to be, don't you think? He is really struggling with what he wants to do next year. He has talked about wanting to be an engineer and work in the automotive industry for as long as I can remember. But, last year, he had the most amazing social studies teacher. Michael was so inspired by him, he is seriously considering getting his degree in secondary education so he can teach history. A teacher who can inspire a young person that way is one to be valued. Unfortunately, the last we knew, he had lost his teaching position in the district due to the budget cuts. It makes me sad to know we lost a truly gifted teacher at a time when our kids need role models like him more than ever.

Well, this has gotten really long! I just have so much good going on in my life right now and wanted to share it with everyone.

Hoping your lives are as happy and wonderful as mine is right now!
Love you all tons!
Martha

Halfway!

2009-08-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today was day 17 out of 33, so I am halfway through my radiation treatments. Hooray! Each day I go now, I have more behind me than ahead of me. My skin is starting to look a little sunburned, but I keep putting on the aloe vera. So far, not too bad. I don't know if it's because I am so excited to be returning to teaching or what, but I'm not experiencing the overwhelming fatigue I was warned about. I have been busy all day every day and am handling it very well. I am pretty tired by the evening though.

Tomorrow is my first official day back at school and the kids start on Monday. I'm jumping out of my skin, I'm so excited! Pam has been helping me get the classroom ready and it looks great if I do say so myself. This is one of my favorite times of the school year. I love imagining what each of my students will be like and what experiences we will have together over the coming school year. Thursday is Meet the Teacher night and I can't wait.

Yesterday was my official birthday, but because we traveled up to Flagstaff over the weekend to visit Joey and watch the Cardinals practice, it feels like we celebrated for three days. Joe got me a Larry Fitzgerald jersey. Then, he was at some kind of business group meeting and was talking to Tim Bidwell. He told him I was going to take the jersey to Flagstaff with us and try to get Larry to sign it. Well, Tim, who I've never met, told Joe he would make sure it got signed. He came and found us on Saturday and took my jersey into the locker room and got it signed. I was so excited. Tim was very nice and I really appreciated his going out of his way to do something nice for someone he didn't even know.

This is a picture of me in my jersey.

Watching practice was a lot of fun. It was awesome having players that I've only seen on TV just a few feet away. Curt Warner was the most awesome. He came over to the sideline and got the whole crowd to do the wave. Then, after practice he spent a long time signing autographs and focused almost exclusively on signing for the kids.

It was great to see Joey. He was working so much he just had time to have dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday with us. He works at the NAU dome and was part of the Cardinal crew. He was given two t-shirts that say Cardinal's Crew with the team logo on the front and Cardinal's security on the back. Pretty cool! He is working really long days with the training camp going on and with only his final exam to go has a high B in his statistics class. Have I mentioned lately how proud we are of him?

Janaya is also finishing up a summer school class and is looking forward to going to Las Vegas. She gave me an awesome present for my birthday. We both love to watch So You Think You Can Dance. Last year, I bought tickets for the two of us to go to the concert. This year, when they went on sale, I told her I would look into getting the tickets again. But then, when I went to order them, I was hesitant about spending the money. Between the medical expenses and money I've spent on my classroom it just didn't seem like a good idea. She was completely understanding. Guess what she got me?! Tickets to the show. I'm really excited about getting to see the show, but am mostly thrilled about going with Janaya. It is so fun that she is at the age where we can do things together like this.

Michael is back from a great trip to NJ and is trying to make the most of the few days he has left before school starts. He's not quite as excited as I am. :>) He is a senior this year!

Well, that is it for now from the Hitzel household.

Lots of love to everyone!
Martha

Two Down!

2009-07-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

Well, today is Friday, so I'm finished with two weeks of radiation. Four and a half to go. Things continue to go very smoothly. So far, the two big side effects I've been warned about, skin irritation and fatigue, have not manifested themselves. I figure the longer I go without side effects, the better.

My nausea is much, much better! I found out that some of the beams they give me are stronger the first week as kind of a jump start to the treatment. I think it must have been the radiation making me feel so sick and not the new chemo. It's a big relief to me because I will be on the chemo a lot longer than on radiation. Now, the issue of the pills and getting the insurance to cover them isn't any longer an issue. Phew!

I did want to tell people about a conversation I had with my radiation therapist this week. They called and moved my time up, earlier in the evening. When I talked to her about it, she said it was because they were slower right now and didn't have as many patients. She said they have felt the effects of the poor economy. I expressed surprise that something like radiation would be effected by the economy and she explained to me that when people are out of work and have lost their insurance or can't afford to continue their insurance, they have to make decisions about what they can and cannot afford. She said many times patients will decide to forgo radiation. Wow. Can you imagine having to make a decision like that?

Also, this week, I got a phone call from a breast cancer organization based in Mesa that helps cancer patients who are having trouble paying for their treatment asking for a donation. I have to be honest. In the past, I may have said I'm sorry, but not right now. It seems like we get so many of these phone calls or people at the door asking for money for this or that. I often say, I'm sorry, but we make our charitable contributions through our church. Not always, but more often than not.

Cancer treatment is expensive. I was talking to my friend, Carol, and she said she saw a program that said the average cost for a breast cancer patient was between $200and $250 thousand dollars. I'm sure that is pretty acurate. Even with insurance, there are a ton of expenses. Hardly a day goes by that one medical statement or another doesn't come in the mail. However, Joe and I have been very fortunate and although the expense is definitely an added burden, there has never been a question of whether or not we would be able to find a way to pay for my treatment.

I made a small donation to the organization that called this week. Next time I get one of those calls or someone is at my door, I won't be so automatic in my response. I'll try to imagine the real human beings behind the call and try to imagine what it would be like to be faced with maybe dying because I couldn't afford to pay for my treatment.

It's kind of weird. I don't know if there is some grand plan for each of us or if I got cancer for a reason, but I do think, I fervently hope, I am becoming a better person because of it. I'll always hate that I got this horrible disease, yet at the same time, I'll always be thankful for the lessons I learn daily from this experience.

Pam and my niece, Mary, arrive tomorrow for a two week visit. They are going to help me get my classroom ready for the new school year. I'm really excited.

Joe comes home from NJ on Monday after being gone for a little over a week. I can't wait to see him! Michael is staying in NJ for another week to visit his Uncle Jim and cousins, Connor and Brian. I miss him a lot.

Joey got a 94% on his first statistics test! He's doing so well and we are so proud of him.

I hope everyone else's summer is going as wonderfully as mine is.

Love you all tons!
Martha

A Quote I Like

2009-07-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

You gain strength, confidence, and courage through every experience in which you actually really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

One Week Down

2009-07-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. I thought I'd just update and let you know how radiation is going. The actual treatments are much easier and faster than the dry run was. From start to finish, the whole thing takes about twenty minutes. I just go in and lie down on the table. The technician then uses all the numbers they wrote down during the trial run to position the table and the machine in just the right position and then leaves the room while the radiation is delivered. The only way I know I am recieving the radiation is by a buzzing noise that lasts about twenty to thirty seconds. This is done four times and then I'm done. I will be recieving a total of thirty three treatments, Mondays through Fridays, so one week down, five and a half to go.

So far, I am not experiencing any ill effects from the radiation. I've been putting aloe vera on my skin three to four times a day. The technician said that was the best thing. I also started on my oral chemo on Monday and as the week wore on I became increasingly nauseous. I called Dr. Livingston's office today and they called in a prescription for a stronger anti-nausea medicine which seems to be working because I'm feeling better. The only problem is my insurance will only cover nine pills a month! I had to pay a copay of $15 today for the nine pills or else they would have cost $185! For nine pills. I'm supposed to take one every twelve hours. Walgreen's said sometimes the doctor can call the insurance company and get an override. So, I will take them this weekend and see if they continue to work and go from there. Someimes, things just don't make sense, though.

Michael and Joe left yesterday to go to NJ and then up to Canada with Joe's family. This is a trip we've done almost every summer since the kids were little and one Joe has done since he was fourteen. His family inherited a little island in the middle of a lake in Canada. It is very rustic; no bathrooms - outhouses, no electricity, water is pumped up from the lake, baths are taken in the lake (Brrrr. . . cold!), but it is definitely a little piece of heaven. The week is spent swimming, boating, skiing, playing cards and other games, lots of reading, and of course margaritas and peanuts every afternoon at five. I will definitely miss being there this summer.

This last picture sums up the experience beautifully!

Love you all tons!
Martha

Some Beach, Somewhere

2009-07-09T17:39:00.001-07:00

Hi, everyone! Well, today was my dry run at radiation and everything went fine as far as I can tell and I'm officially ready to start my treatments and chemo on Monday. My appointments are at 7pm each day. I was kind of surprised they were so late, but that time will actually work really well once I am back teaching. I'll have time to go home and change into comfy clothes, rest, and let the traffic clear some.

I heard this song on the radio on my way today and thought to myself that picturing myself on some beach, somewhere, during the radiation treatments was a good idea. Then, when I got there and they put me on the table, I had one of those panic attacks like I did the day I had my port put in. Tears just started streaming from my eyes and I had to grit my teeth hard to try and keep under control. I think it was just all the anxiety that has built up over this past month of waiting for this day to get here. The worst part was I had to hold absolutely still, so I ended up laying in a pool of tears because I couldn't wipe them away. It was kind of embarrassing! The radiology therapist told me to just close my eyes and picture myself in a happy place - just like the song!

It took forever! About an hour on a hard, narrow table with my arm over my head and not able to move. They took a zillion x-rays, wrote down a bunch of numbers, drew all over my chest with magic marker, took polaroids (which they assured me didn't include my face and wouldn't show up on the Internet!), and then did three tiny tatoos. Finally, I was finished. They assured me that today was the longest day and that the actual treatments would go much faster. I sure hope so; my back was killing me by the time they finished.

Afterwards, I went out to my car and let all the tears I had been trying to hold back go and then I felt much better. I feel completely ready for Monday. I just so want to get all of this behind me and be healthy again!

I tried hard to picture being on the beach in California today, but it just wouldn't happen. Then, I pictured sitting at my desk, with all the things people have given me to encourage me and to let me know how much they care about me. It didn't stop the tears, but I think at that point they turned into happier tears because I just get overwhelmed by all the love and support I have. I felt like you were all there with me.

Here are some photos of all the things I pictured in my mind.

A flower my friend, Meagan, gave to me, back in the fall before I knew what was actually wrong with me.

The Believe plaque is from my neighbors, Mary and Archie and their family. Hanging on the B is a Saints bracelet Mary brought over to me the day before my surgery. Hanging from the I are meditation beads that my friend, Carol made for me. Each individual bead or group of beads stands for something important in my life.

A stuffed tiger my school sent me right after I was diagnosed and had to leave for the school year. Our mascot is the tiger.

Pam found this the last time she was at the airport waiting for her plane. She thought it would be a good thing for me to visualize during radiation. I want to be as happy and carefree as this girl!

This breast cancer bear is from one of my students, Samantha. Pam got me the plaque.

Lots of things in this picture. The teacup is from my friend, Norma. Norma treasures her grandmother's teacup collection and she gave me this one before my surgery. The lifesavers are from my niece, Mary. The pot of gold and horseshoe are from my nephew, Brian. The Obama pin and car were mine already. Now that I think of it, picturing Carl Edwards during radiation might not be a bad idea!

Joe hung the chain of cranes above my desk for me.

So, you see, I don't have to imagine some far away, exotic place as my happy place. There is no place I'm happier than right here at home, surrounded by my wonderful family and friends.

Love you all tons!
Martha

Still Waiting to Start Radiation

2009-07-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! I had thought my next update would be to let you know how my radiation is going, but it is taking a while to get it going. I'm very frustrated that it is taking so long, but I've been on the phone complaining to anyone who will listen and I guess there is just no way to speed things up.

I went last Monday for what they call my planning/mapping session. Dr. Kuske (one of the radiologists that works with Dr. Tannehill) drew all over my chest with black magic marker. Then, the technician taped down thin wires over the markings. Next, they did a CAT scan. I guess the wires will show up on the surface of my skin and they will use those in relation to my internal organs to make an individualized radiation plan for me. The goal is to avoid radiating your heart, lung, and esophagus as much as possible. Dr. Tannehill explained to me that one of the long-term side effects was possible heart problems ten to fifteen years down the road. I told him if they could keep me around that long, I'd deal with those problems if and when they occurred. Still, it's a weird feeling, taking what has always been a perfectly healthy body and doing all these things to make it unhealthy in order to get at the cancer cells. :>(

Next, came waiting. And waiting. And phone calls. "You do know I had six out of six lymph nodes positive, right?" "You do know my cancer is triple negative, right? That it likes to spread?" "You do know I haven't had any chemo since May 18th, right?" This isn't my normal personality at all! But I can't help worrying that any rogue cancer cells are having a free for all in my body right now. More waiting. I finally found out yesterday that I will go for a trial run on Thursday and begin actual radiation treatments on Monday. The technician explained to me that I was number seven of nine new patients she'd just gotten and that was the soonest appointment available. Grrrrr! :>(

However, except for the anxiety related to all the waiting and worrying, life has been wonderful! Last week I went to happy hour with friends and got to meet a woman named Susie that I've gotten to know through her blog. Her husband is from Saudi Arabia and her family moved there a couple of years ago. She has kept a blog to document her experiences. Susie originally grew up in Douglas, Arizona with my principal, Sheila. That is how I came to know of her. It was so fun getting to meet her in person!

The next night, Sheila had a party at her house for Susie and I went to that, too. I got to see a lot of people from school that I hadn't seen in quite a while and that felt good. I also sang karaoke for the first time!

Joe and I went to California for the 4th of July weekend and had a great time. It did feel weird not having any of the kids with us, but they were all working. The weather was gorgeous! We spent all day Friday bicycling around Coronado Island. The houses were so pretty to look at. We went back the next day for the parade. It felt like we were in small town America. The only thing missing was marching bands. There was very little music. I remember marching in parades all through high school in the marching band and there's nothing I like better in a parade. Sunday morning we thought we'd just head home, but then decided to spend the day and drive home in the evening. I'm so glad we did. We went to Old Town for breakfast and then walked through the shops and historical buildings. Then in the late morning drove to La Jolla. Neither of us had ever been there and it was beautiful. We spent a couple of hours walking along the beach and then had lunch on a patio of a restuarant along the main street. Chili dog and tator tots! YUMMM! I said to heck with my healthy diet for one meal! It was really a great time.

This morning, I went to yoga class. My first since my surgery. I could do all the movements, but kept getting dizzy from all the position changes. I spent about half the class in child's pose, but figure it will get better from here. It was also the first time I got up my nerve to just go bald in class. I wore one of my caps and then just took it off once the lights were turned down. No one really seems to care or notice.

My hair is coming in. Not very quickly, but my head is covered with peach fuzz. I love to rub it and actually feel hair instead of bald skin. Have I said how much I am hating that it will all fall out again? And, I have almost a full set of eyelashes. They are short still; too short to wear mascara - I know I tried - but they're there. I keep hoping maybe they won't fall out again with the new chemo. It really makes a difference in how healthy a person looks. Janaya took me to the cosmetics counter at Dillards and we learned how to put on false eyelashes. I've only worn them a few times, but they really make a difference. They are horrendous to try and get on right, though! I will have to keep practicing so I can wear them when I return to school in August.

Today, I went for a massage and it was heavenly! Nikki is the wife of a friend that Joe used to work with. She has special training to work with cancer patients. Today's massage was a gift from them to me. Words can't even describe! The only bad part was having to get up off the table afterwards. I could have just rolled onto my side and gone to sleep. And, afterwards, Nikki complimented me on how toned my body is! Sorry to brag here, but it sure was nice to get a compliment that had nothing to do with how well my incisions are healing! :>)

Only four weeks until school starts and I'm starting to get in that mode. Reading and working on my beginning of the year lesson plans. I can't wait!

Well, that's it for now. I'll let you all know how radiation is going once it actually starts.

Love you all tons!
Martha

Bike riding on Coronado Island

Enjoying the cool weather at the beach

Breakfast in Old Town

Enjoying the beautiful scenery of La Jolla

Speechless!

2009-06-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! I just want to share something amazing with all of you.

I just got home a little while ago from another trip up to Tuscon to see Dr. Lang about a glitch with my remaining drain. Not a big deal. I got to get the drain out which feels heavenly, but have to wear an ace wrap around my chest for a week or so. Not fun in this heat. It is warm and very itchy! I met with the radiologist yesterday and things are in the works to start my treatments some time next week. My radiologist's name is Dr. Tannehill and I really liked him. He actually worked with Dr. Livingston and Dr. Lang in Tuscon up until a couple of months ago and has just recently relocated to Scottsdale. How awesome is it that I'm able to go to a radiologist here close to home that comes very highly recommended by my doctors in Tuscon?! He spent quite a bit of time talking with Joe, Pam, and I explaining everything and answering all of our questions. He and the other two radiologists at this radiological center specialize in breast cancer patients. That is all they do. It was pretty scary listening to all the short term and long term side effects, but it is something I need to do. I left feeling that if I had to do this, at least I was in expert hands, again.

Anyway, as you all know, the last few days have been a little rough emotionally. I really thought I was coming to the end of my treatment, only to find I still have a ways to go. My feelings have been a lot like when I was first diagnosed. Sad and scared, but also anxious to get the fight going. My last chemo was a little over a month ago, so any cancer cells left in my body have had a bit of a vacation. I'm ready to go again and do whatever it is I need to do to get rid of them!

Ok. Here is the speechless part. I was just sitting in the living room, working on a knitting project, feeling physically and emotionally tired out from a couple of long days, when Joe came in with the mail. He handed me a large manila package from his cousin, Mary Monica, who lives in California. I think I've met Mary Monica twice, both times back when Joe and I were first married. She is a breast cancer survivor, also, and has been in touch with us (mostly Joe, I'm shy about getting on the phone) frequently since I was diagnosed with words of encouragement, support, and advice. When I opened the package, my breath was literally taken away and then I just started to cry. Inside was a beautiful chain of paper cranes folded by Mary Monica and her friends for me. If you don't know the story behind Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes, you can visit www.sadako.org to learn more. Mary Monica had no way to know that I share this story with my students each year and teach them how to fold cranes. I hope she doesn't mind if I share her beautiful words here.

"This chain of paper cranes were inspired by the Sadako World Peace Project. They also represent my hopes, prayers, and wishes for you on your journey through breast cancer to regain your health, strength, (hair), and make a full recovery."

How can I possibly be down or sad or discouraged when I have wonderful, beautiful people like Mary Monica and all the rest of you rooting for me. Every time all of the medical information and treatment and side effects become overwhelming, it is met by the overwhelming love and support of my family and friends. My mind is literally without words to describe my feelings. I am speechless. Yet, my heart and spirit are filled with love and joy.

Thank you, Mary Monica! Thank you everyone! I hold each of you close in my heart.

Martha

Everything Plus the Kitchen Sink/Back in Battle Mode/D#m

2009-06-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! Well, as you can see, I struggled with what to name this post. There were a few other variations on the last effort I could have listed and I'm not a person that uses bad language - ever, but like Janaya likes to point out to me fairly often, there are just some instances when nothing but a well delivered, deeply felt curse word is all that will do.

More chemo. :>(

We met with Dr. Lang at 10:30 this morning and got one of the two remaining drains removed. Luckily, it was the one that was causing me a lot of discomfort. I still have one drain left, but we're hoping it may be able to come out by Friday. She is very happy with how I've done and says my incisions look amazing - something only a surgeon could really truly appreciate. Actually, though, I am pleased, too. It is still very weird to look in the mirror at my chest, but not revolting. Just different. I won't have to see her for six months unless, as she says, I have any nodes or other things come up that I'd like her to check out. Sorry Dr. Lang, I love you, but am not planning on giving you any repeat business if I can help it. :>)

My appointment with Dr. Livingston wasn't until 3:30, so Joe, Pam, and I went to Paradise Bakery for lunch and then to the Degracia Studio. He is the artist that does those well known Indian works. After that, there was just time to stop for Cold Stone and then back to the Cancer Center.

I knew right away Dr. Livingston seemed more serious than he usually does. You might remember a couple of months ago I wrote about the radiologist who explained to me about the cancer cells that survive chemo being the hardy ones that are hard to get rid of. Well, those are the ones that made it out of my breast and into the lymph nodes. Dr. Lang removed the lymph nodes she could find, but there are others under the chest wall muscle that aren't removed during surgery and Dr. Livingston says we could assume that there is a good chance that they have some cancer cells in them.

So, here is the plan of attack:

- Meet with the radiologist tomorrow and hopefully, if my drain comes out by Friday, start radiation on Monday. Radiation usually lasts about six and a half weeks, Monday through Friday.
-Take an oral chemo drug called Xeloda which will potentiate the effect of the radiation as well as work on its own against the cancer cells.
-Go back to see Dr. Livingston in eight weeks when I've finished radiation and he will increase the Xeloda dose and put me on one of two other chemo drugs which will be once a week through my port. I will be on this chemo for twelve weeks.
-Start a drug called Zometa which helps prevent bone metastasis, through my port once a month for six months and then every three months for three years.

A little overwhelming to say the least, but at least I know they are doing everything possible to help me beat this disease.

Both doctors agreed I will be able and should return to work. My principal, Sheila, wants me to come back. I've signed my contract for next year already. And, I am not whole without teaching in my life. Dr. Livingsgton said the hardest part will be fatigue, but I think I get more physically and emotionally tired being home, missing being at school than I will actually teaching.

So, that is the plan. Part of me wants to crawl into my bed and just cry, but a much bigger part is glad I have a doctor who is treating me so aggressively and I really want to do my part. Too many tears and negative energy can not possibly help.

I also wanted to say thank you to all of my wonderful friends who have delivered dinners all this past week. Amazing dinners. Five star restaurant dinners. My weight today was up two pounds from last week! :>) Knowing I'm going back on chemo, this is awesome. It was so nice at the end of each day to not have to even think about what we were going to make for dinner or to clean up. Thank you all!

Closing with a picture I had Joe take of me just now in the backyard. A new hat I bought at the Cancer Center gift shop. I have completely abandoned wearing my wig. It is like wearing a wool cap in the middle of the Sahara desert. I guess with more chemo coming up I'm going to have to be resigned to being bald a while longer. Darn. I hate being bald. Anyway, I loved this hat and wanted to end my post with something happy.

Love you all tons!
Martha

Pathology Results

2009-06-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. We're back from Tucson and the news isn't great, but not horrible either. Dr. Lang did not have the official final pathology report yet, but had spoken on the phone to the pathologist. He told her that the cancer in my breast tissue had been eradicated, but six out of six lymph nodes she removed (all she could find) were positive for cancer cells. The good thing is they're out now. She did not think I would have to be on chemo again. She said Dr. Livingston will have some ideas for things to do to try and prevent metastasis. I will be seeing Dr. Livingston on Monday and will know more then. I will also be seeing the radiologist next week in order to take the first steps in getting ready for radiation. Now, they will irradiate a larger area that includes the axilla instead of just the chest wall.

Dr. Lang said 30 to 50% of patients with advanced breast cancer will develop recurrence within five years. Five year survival rates are around 60%. She also stressed that these are overall numbers and are really no indication how any one individual will do. She also said they include all patients with all different treatment plans. I have had very aggressive, cutting edge treatment and will continue to do so.

So, not the news I was hoping for, but it is what it is and we move forward from here. I've given myself permission to be sad for a little, but know that too much of that is counterproductive. Thankful that I'm going through this when there are so many treatment options and hope.

Love you all!
Martha

Home Sweet Home!

2009-06-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! Just wanted to let you know we arrived home safely around 1:00 yesterday. The staff at the hospital - everyone we met from the preop waiting area, the OR, the RR, and the women's ward where I spent the night - were absolutely wonderful, but it still feels great to be back home.

I am doing great. The biggest discomfort comes from the drains they put in under the skin. I have two on the left and one on the right. Fluid naturally accumulates under the skin as a result of the surgery. The drains remove that fluid so I can heal. When each drain drains less than 30ml of fluid in a day, they will be ready to come out. I am taking my Vicodin regularly so that I can do slow, easy stretching exercises. I am very pleased so far with my mobility and am trying to avoid stiffening up. Dr. Lang will be referring me to a physical therapist that specializes in working with mastectomy patients to help me build up my muscle strength again after I've had a chance to heal some.

I am able to take a shower and did so last night. It was heavenly! The warm water relaxed all of my muscles and I felt clean and fresh afterwards.

The incisions aren't so bad. I had thought I was pretty prepared for what to expect, but I don't think you can really know how you're going to react until you're faced with the real thing. I had thought I would be bandaged up and there would be this big unveiling at the doctor's office when it was time for the drains to come out. Instead, I came out of surgery with a bra on that fastens in the front and it was packed with lots of soft gauze (remember those junior high years girls?). That night in my room, the nurse asked Joe and I if we were ready to learn how to clean the drain sites and put on new dressings. We said yes and that was it. No big deal. No tears. The nurse was very matter of fact about it and Joe and I felt very comfortable. I'm pretty lumpy right now. You can see the drainage tubes under the skin and there are steristrips along the incision, but I can already tell it's going to look ok when everything heals.

I guess my blood pressure was pretty low during the surgery and so they ended up giving me five and a half liters of fluid. I looked a little bit like the Michellin Man the first night after surgery, but the swelling is starting to slowly go down.

Pam, Joe, and Janaya have been wonderful. My girlfriend, Carol, has arranged for friends to bring meals for us for the next week. I have recieved the nicest notes and words of encouragement. It is amazing how technology has enabled us to keep in touch with and be there for each other in ways we weren't in the past. Over and over throughout this journey, I've witnessed people dealing with similar or more difficult situations with little or no support system. I will be forever grateful for all of you and the love you've shown me.

I am going to close this post with a saying someone posted on a breast cancer support site. I read it a couple of weeks ago and it really helped me have the right frame of mind going into this surgery. Here it is:

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out, shouting "Holy Sh*t, what a ride!"

Isn't that great!

Love you all!
Martha

In My Room and Doing Great!

2009-06-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! I have been in my room for about two hours now and am doing great! I saw Dr. Lang in the recovery room and she seemed very pleased with how everything went. They did do some frozen sections during the surgery of some breast tissue and lypmph nodes and they were all negative. We will have a complete pathology report when we have my follow up appointment on Wednesday.

I am having very little discomfort so far. I have two drains on the left side and one on the right. The one on the right is pretty sore, but they gave me Vicodin and it feels much better.

They gave me a menu to order dinner and I'm having macaroni and cheese, mashed potatos with gravy, a chocolate brownie cupcake, and a slice of carrot cake! My appetite has come back with a vengence! After that, I plan on crawling into bed and going to sleep. I'm tired!

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and good thoughts today. I am so glad to have this behind me!

LOve you all!
Martha

Surgery Tomorrow!

2009-06-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, my surgery date is finally here. The past three weeks have gone by very fast. I've vacillated between wanting the time to slow down because I'm, in my heart, dreading the surgery, and wanting the time to fly by so I can get this behind me. But, by this time tomorrow I'll be in surgery, so it's time to just face it and get it done with. It will definitely be a relief to have it over with. I've looked at pictures on the Internet and so I know what to expect. Totally gives a new meaning to having a boyish figure! I've bought some pretty feminine tops and new pajamas so I have something to look forward to wearing afterwards. It's funny how new, pretty clothes can make almost any situation bearable!

My family and friends have been wonderful over the last couple of weeks. I've never laughed so much or felt so loved!

Spa day was a hit! The massage was great, but the facial was heavenly! My skin has taken a beating from the chemo and the skin on my face had become dried out and has big brown blotches and lots of wrinkles that weren't there before. The facial left my skin feeling softer than I can remember in a long time. Also, now that I'm done with the chemo, it's not nearly so dry and the brown blotches are so very slowly starting to fade. No eyebrows yet, but one and a half eyelashes! We also had lunch, hung out by the pool, sat in the suana, and lounged in the jacuzzi. Here's a picture of Pam, Janaya, and me waiting to go in for our massages.

Notice my new wig? It's so funny because everyone who sees me in it for the first time exclaims, "You got your hair cut!"

I had a great time visiting Pam and her family in NJ and also got to drive up and see Joe's family.

Joe and I spent this past weekend up in Flagstaff visiting Joey and had a great time. His first summer class, public speaking, started last week and he is enjoying it so far. He also got hired to work at the NAU Dome and loves it. Friday night they did all three of Flagstaff's high school graduations. He is really looking forward to having spending money without having to call home for it. First thing on his list - a new long board.

My friend, Jo, hosted a girl's lunch for me this week and it was wonderful! Then, I went to happy hour with the Margarita Express, minus Carol who was sick, :>( on Monday. Lunch yesterday with Janaya and Michael. Add into all this activity that my brain must be confused as to why I'm going to the hospital because I've developed nesting syndrome and haven't been able to stop cleaning, and the time has gone by very fast.

I plan on taking my new mini computer with me to Tuscon and will post as soon as I'm able. Pam will post on facebook as soon as my surgery is over to let everyone know how it went. The plan is to be discharged by noon on Friday and as long as everything has gone smoothly, which I know it will, be home Friday afternoon.

There have been studies done that show that people who laugh and who have the love and support of family and friends heal better and also have less chance of recurrence. All of you are a very important part, the most important part, of my medical team. You're all awesome and I love each of you so very much!

Talk to you soon!
Love you!
Martha

PS: All of my girlfriends know why I added Heat Wave to my song list. Can you guess? :>)

Done With Chemo! (Fingers Crossed)

2009-05-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last chemo, for now, and hopefully if everything continues to go well, forever! I've had two Adriamycin/Cytoxin, two Adriamycin/Cytoxan/Taxotere, sixteen Abraxane, and eight Avastin treatments! It has been a really long six months! But . . . everything I've read says that the chemo is the worst part of this whole journey and now it's behind me! Hooray! I know it's going to take a while, but I can't wait to start looking more like my normal self. Gone are the days of wishing I looked more like Katherine Heigl! Just plain ol' normal me will do, thank you!

The nurses at the chemo unit had a bubble party to celebrate my last day of chemo.

Joe, Pam, and I also met with Dr. Livingston and Dr. Lang yesterday. They are both very pleased with my response to the chemo and say it's hopeful that I may have a complete pathological response. Dr. Lang spent a long time going over the surgery with us and we scheduled it for June 11th. Only three weeks away. I hadn't met with Dr. Lang since our first visit in January. We left yesterday feeling so very confident in her. She is a very skilled surgeon. And, she treats each of us as if we really matter and that my outcome matters to her.

I decided on a double mastectomy. I know that there is a real chance that I may have to deal with metastasis and that the road ahead of me may yet still be a long one, but there is also a real chance that the chemo has worked and the worst is behind me. Even though the doctors tell me that the chance of a second breast cancer developing are small, I just can't even imagine having to begin this journey all over again. I've researched and there are all kinds of wonderful prosthetic bras and clothing so that no one need ever know (except all of you of course!) and if everything goes well I can have reconstructive surgery next summer.

Pam and Janaya planned a girl's spa day tomorrow to celebrate being done with the chemo. Then, I am going back to New Jersey with Pam on Monday for a little over a week to visit with family. When I get back, it will only be one week until the surgery, so things are going to go fast. I'm really happy about that. No time to worry!

Well, that's it for now. I'm so thankful for everyone's love and support. It has been an enormous help to me during these past six months.

Love you all tons!
Martha

One End is in Sight!

2009-05-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. Yesterday was chemo day. My second to last treatment. I get my last chemo next Tuesday and meet with Dr. Livingston and Dr. Lang to discuss and schedule my surgery. I'm in a weird place emotionally. I am so glad to be finishing up with the chemo. It has been a long six months. I am exhausted and so very tired of dealing with all of the physical side effects.

I have very mixed emotions about having the surgery, though. On one side, I am very excited to get to the next stage of my treatment. I so want all of this to be done with and behind me as much as possible. On the other side, my prognosis and plans for the future depend so much on what they find when they do the surgery. My understanding of the kind of cancer I have (triple negative) is that generally it is more likely to metastasize and has a poorer prognosis than other types of breast cancer. However, if I achieve a complete pathological response at the time of surgery, my prognosis improves to about the same as other types of breast cancer. Complete pathological response means that the chemotherapy has completely eradicated the cancer. Studies show that about one third of triple negative patients achieve complete pathological response. Can you tell I've been doing my research? :>)

If there is residual disease at the time of surgery, Dr. Livingston said I may need more chemo after the surgery. UGH! If I develop metastasis, I will be in treatment for the rest of my life. UGH!

My friends in book club reminded me last night of living and celebrating one day at a time. Liesl put it perfectly with a saying she knew. Something like, energy spent worrying about tomorrow's problems is energy taken away from enjoying today. I so believe this and have always tried so very hard to live my life that way. It is just hard to do in the quiet moments alone each day or lying in bed awake at night. Of course I am worried about a bad outcome, but I think the hardest part is the unknown. In that way, the surgery coming up is a very good thing. At least I will know what I am dealing with.

On a really positive note, Joey is home for the week! I wish all of you could see him and get to know him. What a wonderful young man he is growing into! He is happier than I can ever remember him being at any time in his life. He has made great friends at school. He is very active doing outdoor activities. He spent the last two days with a friend riding longboards, playing wiffle ball, running errands, and (picture me cringing right now) hunting rabbits. He has a great sense of humor and is very affectionate. What better way to make some of the time go than spending it with him?!

Well, that's it for now. Thanks for "listening" to me. :>) I'll let everyone know what we find out from the doctors next week.

Love you all tons!
Martha

A Wonderful Mother's Day!

2009-05-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

I had a great Mother's Day yesterday. One thing this disease has taught me is to not take anything for granted and one of those things is my children and my husband and how much I love them and love being their mom and life partner.

I woke up exhausted from the day before. We had spent several hours outside in the heat at Michael's lacrosse tournament. But, the smell of breakfast cooking pulled me from my bed. Joe and Michael and I ate out on the back patio. Janaya unfortunately had already left for work. Mother's Day is a big day at the restaurants! When we had finished eating, Joe said, "I'll be right back," and disappeared around the side of the house. He came back pushing a wheelbarrow containing several hibiscus plants and two verbenia plants. His plan was to plant them along the back wall of our house as my Mother's Day present. I was so surprised and excited! We've had a terrible time keeping the grass nice in our backyard and Joe's been working for weeks to improve it and it's finally looking good. He knows how much I love being outdoors and how discouraged I get when the yard doesn't look nice. His gift was perfect and so very thoughtful.

Then, after working all day long in the heat planting the flowers, Joe made ribs and baked potatoes for dinner. While they were cooking, Joey walked in from Flagstaff! He had spent the morning moving from his spring dorm into summer housing and then drove down. I miss him so much and was so glad to see him. His Mother's Day gift was given to me at dinner when he said, "I really love it up in Flagstaff, but I miss you guys a lot and am glad I'm home." Is there anything better than that? I don't think so!

A little while later Joe was cooking strawberry shortcake for dessert (I know, I know, the poor guy just doesn't quit!) and Janaya came home from work so that we were all able to finally be together. As I looked around me, at Joe who had worked so tirelessly all day long to make sure my day was special, and at the kids and what wonderful, caring, young adults they've grown into, I was filled with love and happiness and contentment and peace.

This disease has shaken my world, but no matter what happens in the future, it can't take away moments like this.

Hoping all the wonderful moms I know and care about out there had wonderful days!
Love you all tons!
Martha

2009-05-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

About two years ago, a friend of Joe and I died of breast cancer. I am able to call her a friend even though we only met a couple of times. She was that kind of person. She made you feel like she liked you and that you were her friend right from the start. I didn't even know she had breast cancer until after she passed away.

When Joe and I attended her remembrance celebration, we, along with all the other guests, were given a plant to take home. We were told it was her favorite flower. I was a little nervous about taking it because as much as I try, I don't seem to have much of a green thumb. It seemed sad to me to take the plant that had so much meaning and emotion attached to it home and then have it die. I planted it in my backyard, underneath our lemon tree. I've planted numerous things there over the years, all unsuccessfully. It somehow survived over the last two years. Sometimes looking on the verge of death, all yellow and brownish colored, and other times seeming to come back to life with nice green leaves. In all the time we'd had it however, it did not bloom.

Then, about two weeks ago, I was washing dishes and looked out my kitchen window and saw the prettiest white flower on it! It has had a new bloom on it almost every day since. The blooms only last a day or two, but there is almost always at least one flower on it.

I've never really been one to attach meaning to seemingly unrelated events, but this happening now, when I'm waging my own battle against breast cancer seemed to me a sign of hope and encouragement. So, Barbara, if you're out there, thank you.

Martha

Lacrosse Season Comes to an End

2009-05-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

Michael played in his last regular season game this past Saturday. Our family always goes into a kind of lacrosse withdrawal when the season ends.

Michael's team had a great season. Their final record was six wins and four losses. All four losses were by one point only and three of them were lost in overtime. They lost to Brophy in overtime by one point and Brophy is an elite team with an undefeated record. The closest any other team came against them was to within five points.

Michael also had an amazing season individually. He scored eight goals and we lost count of the number of assists. It has to be at least two per game which would be twenty. He and a couple of other players from the JV team have been asked to practice with the varsity team this week and participate in a tournament this coming weekend. We are so proud of him!

Here are two pictures Joe took of him at the last game. I will post all of the pictures in his album on my facebook page.

Till next time!
Love you all!
Martha

Happy 50th Birthday, Joe!

2009-04-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Joe's 50th birthday was this past Saturday, the 25th. I'm terrible at planning parties when I'm feeling great, never mind trying to do so when I'm not 100%. So, I arranged for us to go to Lake Tahoe for a four day weekend. It was a surprise for Joe. He knew we were going somewhere, but had no idea where. He found out at the airport when they put the tags on our luggage. Neither of us had been to Lake Tahoe before. When we arrived at the airport in Reno, I told him we couldn't leave for our hotel yet because I had a package arriving. Soon, in walked his parents from NJ to help us celebrate!

It was a wonderful weekend! I've always heard how beautiful Lake Tahoe is, but you really have to see it to truly appreciate how beautiful it really is. We stayed at a fantastic hotel in Incline Village, which is located on the north shore. On Saturday, we woke up to falling snow. It was gorgeous! But, also freezing. We went out for a scenic drive and oohed and ahhed over the scenery; the lake, the pine trees, and the mountains. We were also amazed at the amazing homes. There were so very many gorgeous, multi-million dollar vacation homes all along the lake in Incline Village.

We met a friend of Joe's Dad who races Corvettes for lunch. Needless to say, with Joe's interest in Corvettes it wasn't hard to make conversation. As we ate, the clouds completely cleared out and the sun began to shine. Everything just glittered and shone. We drove up to Truckee, went through the Donnor Historical Museum, and browsed through several interesting shops.

On Saturday, we took a cruise across the lake to see Emerald Bay. When we returned to the hotel, Joe and his parents swam in the heated outdoor pool. I was reluctant to go without my wig, so hung out in the hotel room reading.

Each night we went out for a wonderful meal and then returned to the hotel to play Rummikube. I think over the course of three nights, Joe's parents and I won one round each. Joe won something like ten rounds! Must have been birthday luck!

It was sad to say goodbye to Joe's parents, but we have a wonderful memory to hold on to.

I'll post a couple of pictures below. If you'd like to see more, I'll be making an album on my facebook page.

Love you all!
Martha

Joe by the lake the morning it was snowing. Does he look cold to you?!

Joe with his parents in Truckee.

Joe and I on the deck of the cruise boat. Janaya liked this picture and said she thought we looked like we were posing for a Ralph Lauren commercial!

OK. I've heard of looking more and more like your mother as you get older. I've even heard of people beginning to look like their dog. But, have any of you heard of a daughter-in-law beginning to look more and more like her father-in-law?!! :>)

Good News!

2009-04-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

We're just back from my visit with Dr. Livingston and the news is really good! The area of enhancement, indicating cancer on the MRI, is completely gone! :>) Dr. Livingston asked me, "Are you crying or are your eyes just watering?" I was just so very relieved! Now, this doesn't mean there isn't any more cancer, but it sure makes it a possibility. The lump that Dr. Livingston and I have been feeling measured smaller this week also. It was originally 7cm x 6cm when I first saw him in January and today measured 3cm by 4cm. Dr. Livingston is still not really sure what it is. It doesn't show up on ultrasound or the MRI. He said today that there could be cancer encapsulated in scar tissue. I think he just wanted to make sure I didn't spend the next month completely worry free. :>) I just keep telling myself that I've had two biopsies taken from that area that were benign.

So, one more month of chemo and we'll start to plan surgery. I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel right now and thank goodness it's not the light calling me home! :>)

I know I say this over and over again, but thank you everyone from the deepest part of my heart for all your prayers, good thoughts, and encouraging words.

Love you all tons!
Martha

An Important Message

2009-04-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. I'm sorry if my last post sounded down. I didn't mean for it to. One of my friends, Ruthie, wrote to me and said to let my friends be my mirror for now. I love that thought and will put it into practice.

There is a Internet support site that is focused on women that are diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. I don't read it every day, but check it out every couple of weeks. One of the members posted this speech given by Anna Quindlen. I feel her message is so important and meaningful. I am posting it below. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did.

Lots of love!
Martha

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was awarded an Honorary PhD.

"I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk or your life on a bus or in a car or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've received your test results and they're not so good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and them to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre, at my job if those other things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon or found a lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with the sun on your face.

Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived".

Who is That Woman in the Mirror?

2009-04-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. This is not an update, just a note. I've tried to not only use this blog as a way to keep everyone updated, but also as a journal of my experiences. One of the hardest parts of each day is facing the mirror each morning. One of the things I worried about from the beginning was looking like a cancer patient. I thought that meant losing my hair. Now when I look back at the first picture I posted of myself bald, I see that I didn't look sickly at all; just like a healthy person who had shaved their head. Since that time, all of my hair has fallen out, not only on my head but on every other body part as well, including my eyebrows and eyelashes. Some hair has begun to grow back on my head on this new chemo, but it is very thin and white. It varies from about an eighth of an inch to a half inch. I have to turn my head this way and that to really see it in the mirror. It reminds me of an elderly woman's hair - you know where you can see all of her scalp through it? :>) Eyelashes serve to protect our eyes. Without them my eyes water all the time. My eyelids are puffy and red from wiping at them all the time. Nose hair also serves a purpose and without it my nose runs all the time. The inside of my nose is so irritated that I have a bloody nose every morning. The skin on my face has big brown blotches all over it now. The chemo has made my finger and toenails dry and brittle. Half of my big toenails have come off. I was fairly thin to start with and because the chemo has increased my metabolism I've lost over ten pounds. I'm as thin as I was when Joe and I first dated. No poochy tummy or floppy skin under my upper arms. You'd think I'd be happy about this, but I miss my 47 year old body.

So, each day when I get cleaned up and look in the mirror, I ask myself, "Who is that woman?!" Even with foundation over the brown blotches and my wig on, I don't look anything like the old me to me. Joe tells me I'm beautiful which really proves that beauty is in the eye of the beholder! :>) Have I told you how awesome he is?

Anyway, I've got everything on my body that can be crossed, crossed hoping that I get to have four more weeks of chemo before going to surgery. I just keep reminding myself that all of the bodily changes are signs that the chemo is at work and look forward to the day when I'm done with it; to the day when I look in the mirror and say, "Oh! There you are! I missed you!"

Lots of love to everyone!
Martha

Easter

2009-04-14T20:02:00.001-07:00

Hi, everyone! Sorry it's been a while since I've updated the blog. Mostly, though, it is a good thing because it just means not too much has been going on. I've continued with my weekly chemo regimen and will have my follow up MRI this Friday. I will find out the results this coming Tuesday when I meet with Dr. Livingston. At that time, he will let me know if we're going to schedule my surgery or do another month of chemo. I feel really positive that the chemo has continued to work and am anxious to know the MRI results.

The days pass by fairly slowly for me. I continue to exercise every day and am staying physically strong. Some days, I'm just overwhelmed with fatigue and don't get very much done except for my exercise and other days I feel almost my normal self and am active most of the day. It is quiet when I am home alone. Luckily, Janaya is in and out most days inbetween her classes at ASU and her work schedule.

Pam surprised me on Tuesday of last week. I'd had my chemo earlier in the day and had gone to bed. Joe heard something outside and thought it was Michael coming home with some of his friends. He ran and shut my bedroom door because I didn't have my wig on and he knew I wouldn't want Michael's friends to see me. Then, he heard a rumbling noise come across the bridge to our front door. The next thing I heard was a soft knocking on my bedroom door and "Can I come in?" Pam had played an April Fool's Day trick that wasn't a trick and made a surprise visit. She knows how hard it is for me to be alone during the days. She stayed until Monday and then flew home. She and her whole family came back out this past Saturday. They are on Spring Break.

We had a wonderful Easter. Joey came down from NAU. Even though the kids are all getting older, we hid eggs and had an Easter egg hunt. We hid a twenty dollar bill in one of the eggs and that kept interest going until it was found. I made pulled pork sandwiches for lunch and we all ate outside on the patio. We played Pictionary which was good for a lot of laughs. Michael drew Africa when he was trying to get us to guess Yugoslavia and Pam drew Iceland when she was trying to get us to guess Finland. I guess we need some geography lessons at our house! (Dottie - maybe I should send them to you for some World Wanderers!)

Pam's husband had to fly back home late last night to be back at work, but first he and Pam and Joe and I went out to dinner at a wonderful restaurant friends in my book group had recommended. We sat outside underneath these huge shade trees. The food, the conversation, and the company were all first class. It was a wonderful evening. Pam and the kids are here until Friday.

I'll post a few pictures from Easter for you all to see.

This is the Easter bunny cake I made. :>)

Everyone sitting down to eat. We had our meal early in the day because Janaya had to work the evening shift and Joey had to go back up to NAU. I think everyone actually enjoyed my cooking!

Lots of smiles and laughter as we played Pictionary.

Joe and I. Pam and Jim. Please ignore the fact that my wig is on crooked!

The kids from left to right. Michael, Connor, Mary, Joey, and Brian. Janaya had left for work already.

Well, that is it for now. Tuesday will definitely be a big day for me. I will let everyone know what we find out.

Hope that everyone's Easter was as wonderful as mine!
Talk to you soon!
Love you!
Martha

Tucson Update

2009-03-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. Yesterday was my monthly visit with Dr. Livingston in Tucson. I'm kind of in a period where we're just having to trust/hope the chemo is continuing to work. Dr. Livingston would usually follow my progress with monthly ultrasounds, but as I've noted before, my cancer doesn't show up on them. He did draw tumor markers and they were elevated. Dr. Livingston says this is because I've started on a medication called Neupogen to keep my white blood counts up. This medication also raises the tumor marker level. He also says, at this point, my physical exam is really of no help because my cancer doesn't seem to be a mass. He continues to think the mass he is feeling is fibrous scar tissue, but says there is no way to be sure until I have my surgery.

The plan is to have the four more chemo treatments that were planned. I will have another MRI right before I go back to see Dr. Livingston next month. If that MRI shows that the cancer has continued to shrink or doesn't show up at all, I will continue on the same chemo for another month to try and give me the best chance possible of achieving a complete pathological response at the time of my surgery.

If the MRI shows the cancer has not shrunk since my last one or has grown, they will schedule my surgery. Dr. Livingston says this is because at that point whatever cancer is there will have shown itself to be resistant to several different chemos and they would want to do the surgery in time to give them the best chance of acheiving clean margins when they do it. He stressed that he doesn't think this is going to happen, but it is a possibility. He has had patients whose cancer has stopped responding to chemo.

So, I've gone from looking forward to being almost done with my chemo to hoping I get to have more. :>) I continue to do well with it. The worst part of the whole thing right now, beside stress and anxiety, is just being so very tired all of the time.

I'd really appreciate everyone's good wishes, positive thoughts, and prayers for my cancer to continue to respond to the chemo as well as it has so far.

Janaya's Birthday

Janaya turned 21 this past Wednesday while Joey was home on Spring Break. Michael was in Tucson for a lacrosse game, but she, Joey, Joe, and I went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. We sat outside on the patio and the weather was beautiful. There were two big parties besides the four of us on the patio, so the service was very slow. It worked out wonderfully, though, because we didn't have anything else planned and we got to spend the evening just visiting and talking like we haven't had much opportunity to do lately.

Here are three pictures we took.

Janaya with Mom and Dad

Joey and Janaya

Janaya enjoying a pina colada

That's it for now.
I miss everyone and think of you all often.
Love you all tons!
Martha

Highlights From the Hitzel Household

2009-03-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Michael Scores!

Michael started playing lacrosse in junior high. He is a junior in high school now, so this is his 5th season playing. He loves the game and every season puts all of his effort, heart, and soul into improving and playing his best at every practice and game. And yet, before this year, he had never scored a goal. Did you notice that I said before this year? His team had their first game this past Wednesday and he scored his first goal with the team! And, I got it on video! Then, they played again today and he scored again! I've always been so proud of the player he is. He is always one of the first to run over and congratulate a teammate when they've scored. It was so exciting to see him at the center of the congratulatory circle. Here's a picture of Michael at today's game and one of the team after the game. They were down seven to one at the half and believe it or not the other team had accidentally scored the one goal for them. They came back on fire for the second half and tied the game ten to ten. Unfortunately, they lost in overtime, but they sure played with a lot of heart.

Janaya's New Ride

Janaya has been working since her junior year in high school. She started at My Big Fat Greek Restaurant as a hostess and moved up to being a server. Then, she moved to Texas Roadhouse where she started as a server and moved up to being a bartender. She goes to school full time, working towards a degree in biochemistry, and works about thirty hours a week. She lives at home rent free, but otherwise pays just about all of her expenses. She set her sights on saving her money for a nice car a couple of years ago and has done a tremendous job of it. About a year ago, she decided she wanted to buy a used Nissan 350Z. She knew just what she wanted. A pearly white one with light interior. She has looked at several over the past year and wouldn't settle for anything less than what she had in mind. One at a car auction was red, not white. Another being sold by a private seller smelled like smoke. She found one at a dealership that was exactly what she was looking for, but despite the fact they'd had it on their lot for a couple of months, she couldn't bargain them down on the price. She was determined not to get into too big of a car payment. Then, this week, she found one online at Larry Miller Mazda. She asked Pam and me to go with her to look at it. It was perfect! It was in immaculate condition and drove beautifully. She had $11,0000 to put down on it and boy oh boy can that girl drive a bargain! I've never bought a car on my own before and was nervous about helping her out. I just sat there and watched her handle the negotiations like a pro. She even threatened to leave at one point. Then, when she had worked them down as much as she possibly could, close to $4,000, she told the salesman that she wanted her dad to come and look at it before she made a final decision. "I'm a girl you know and he's my dad." Joe came and Pam and I left for Michael's lacrosse game. He got them to come down a couple more hundred dollars on the car and to give another $1,000 on the Toyota Corolla she was trading in! She ended up with a very reasonable car payment and a beautiful car. Her twenty first birthday is this coming Wednesday, so it is fantastic that it worked out as an early birthday present to herself. Joe and I are so proud of her for setting a goal for herself and achieving it. Here is a picture with her new car.

Joey's Home!

This week is spring break for NAU and so Joey is home. He looks great and is so happy. He loves living in Flagstaff. It is wonderful to get to spend time with him! He doesn't like his picture taken so it is hard to get a picture of him, so I'll have to post one when I can sneak one in this week.

I Believe

"Believe" is a popular breast cancer slogan. My friend and neighbor, Mary, gave me a beautiful iron sign that says Believe that I have hanging on the wall by my desk. I've gotten cards that say Believe on them. My sister gave me a plaque that sits on my desk that says, She believed she could so she did. So, when I decided to get a breast cancer license plate for my car one of the options we discussed to put on it was I Believe. We checked it out on the website and IBEELV was available. I asked several people if they knew what the letters said and they all knew right away, so I decided on it. While I was waiting for it to arrive in the mail, I spent some time thinking about what this slogan meant to me. I think it is generally meant to mean I believe in a cure, which I do, but I also know a cure is probably still a long way off. I hope with all my heart and am putting all of my energy into beating this disease, but it seems hard to say I believe I am going to beat it. I do. I think you have to believe that, but I've read of or known of too many people who have fought hard and believed they were going to beat it who didn't. So, what is it that I deep down believe? I believe that with all the love and support of my family and friends and of people I've never even met before that I will be able to face whatever awaits me on this journey with dignity and strength and courage.

Till next time,
Love you all tons!
Martha

A Song For Joe

2009-03-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

Good morning everyone! I don't know what's been wrong with me yesterday and today. I should be jumping with joy over the MRI results and instead I'm crying. I think a lot of anxiety builds up each time I have to have one of these tests and even when the results are good, the anxiety has to release somehow. I am going to pour myself into housework (my house is filthy right now) and the gym today and try to get my emotions turned around.

I love Alison Kraus. I think she has a voice like an angel. And, the best part is when I sing on the treadmill or in the car, I sound just like her! :>) Joe and I were talking on the way home from Tucson yesterday. He was asking me for advice as to what he could say or do to help me when I'm feeling anxious or down. I know he feels so helpless most of the time. This song, 'You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All' came to my mind. I've never been really good about talking out my feelings and emotions, but Joe is always there for me steady as a rock. I know I can depend on him and that he will love me no matter what and he doesn't have to say a word for me to know that. So, this song is for him.

Love you all!
Martha

MRI Results

2009-03-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! I had my MRI yesterday and was up in Tucson today for labs and chemo and got the MRI results.

Good news, again! When I had the MRI at the beginning of January, the area that enhanced with contrast indicating cancer measured 2.5 x 4.8 x 5.0 cm. The same area on yesterday's MRI measured 1.5 x 0.8 cm. As the report states, the area has significantly decreased since the previous exam. Both MRIs describe the area as non-mass-like which I guess is why I didn't feel a lump to begin with. It also seems to confirm Dr. Livingston's impression that what he and I are feeling is fibrous scar tissue versus tumor tissue.

I am only about a third through my new chemo regimen. If the cancer continues to respond as well as it has so far, it will hopefully be gone when they do my surgery.

I am so glad to get good news again. I am trying hard to live by the mantra of celebrating one day at a time and celebrate today as a gift, but it is so hard to get over the feeling that at some point the rug is going to be pulled out from under me. I have stopped reading the breast cancer support listserves. There are a lot of positive things on them and they are sometimes very informational, but there is also a lot of bad news on them. I've tried hard to be optimistic and realistic at the same time throughout this journey, but too often the listserves remind me of the realistic side of things more than the optimistic.

I'm off to yoga which always makes me feel better. I just wanted to share the good news with everyone.

Love you all!
Martha

The Words

2009-02-27T17:19:00.000-08:00

Ok. Joe says he can't understand the words and he's sure his dad won't be able to understand them either, so here's the words of the chorus for those of you who may be auditory challenged. :>)

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go, laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
The irrefutable, indisputable fact is

Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable, absoluteable, totally beautiful fact is
Pshhhhh, it happens

Love you!
Martha

Psshhh....It Happens!

2009-02-27T14:35:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! I was on my way home from the gym earlier this week and heard this song on the radio and thought the chorus fit my situation perfectly. I have two friends, Carol and Sheila, who have amazing blogs and they have music on them. I got to have lunch and hang out with Sheila today and she told me how to do it and now I've got music, too!

I like the light-hearted approach of this song and the idea that no matter how hard we try to control things or understand them, sometimes psshhh . . .it just happens.

Hope you're all having a great day!
Love you all tons!
Martha

Oh Happy Day!

2009-02-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! I continue to be so blessed on this journey! Every time there has been the possibility of recieving bad news, it turns out to be good news! I was so very anxious about going to see Dr. Livingston today. Except maybe being softer, my breast has not gotten smaller and the lump feels as large as it did when I first realized that big ol' thing they were feeling in there was a lump! I always thought I was feeling for something the size of a pea or maybe a small grape. The lab drew tumor markers (something they monitor in your blood to indicate whether the cancer is getting worse or spreading) last week and I was to find out the results today. I also had an ultrasound yesterday and would find out the results of that. Needless to say, it was a little hard to sleep last night!

The ultrasound didn't show anything unusual. This is the same result as the last two I've had done. For some reason, my cancer doesn't show up on ultrasoud. All it said was dense, fibrocystic tissue. My tumor markers were down! At the beginning of January they were 63. Last time I saw Dr. Livingston (a month ago) they were 44. Today, they were 32! Anything below 40 is considered normal! Yippee! And, even though Dr. Livingston agrees that my lump doesn't feel any smaller, he says that to him it feels more like fibrous scar tissue than cancer! Whoohoo! That would mean the chemo is doing its job. I am going for another MRI on Monday. They will compare that one to the one I had before beginning my new chemo regimen. Then, Dr. Livingston said eight more weeks of chemo and I should be as ready for surgery as I'm going to be as long as things continue the way they are. I don't want to celebrate too soon, but this would mean I would be ready to return to teaching in August. I might possibly still be recieving radiation treatments at that time, but from what I've learned, lots of people work while recieving radiation. The treatments are very short. So, a day I was dreading turned out to be a very happy day!

I know I've said this before, but I truly believe that all the love, good thoughts, and prayers are really helping me. I know they help me keep the positive attitude I need for my body to fight this disease. Thank you to everyone!

That's it for now!
Love you all tons!
Martha

This and That!

2009-02-15T15:45:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! I borrowed the title for this post from my friend, Liesl. She emails me pretty frequently and keeps me updated on all kinds of things like what's going on at school, with her family, sometimes political commentary (we're both proud moderate liberals) and titles her emails This and That. It seemed to fit this post perfectly so I hope she doesn't mind.

On the Cancer Front

Not much to report. I've had four of my new chemo treatments and continue to do well with them. I get a little nauseous now and then, but I take a Compazine and it gets better pretty quickly. I have a lot of energy during the day, but crash around four to five in the afternoon. Unfortunately, that's just when Joe is about to get home. I've tried conserving my energy during the day, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. My blood counts are low, but steady and in the range where I can continue to recieve the chemo. Fingers crossed, this will continue. I can't really tell any difference in my breast by just looking at it or trying to feel it, but I have an ultrasound on the 23rd and see Dr. Livingston again on the 24th so maybe we'll know more then.

Pam

Have I told you all what an amazing sister she is? She just left yesterday after spending two weeks with me again. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helps me to keep my spirits up and my emotions fairly even when she is here. Just having her here to talk with, laugh with, and sometimes cry a little with during the day when I would usually be home by myself is a huge thing. Besides that, she does a zillion things around the house to help out and has helped Joe and I keep all the medical information organized. She gets me out and about doing things when I'd probably sit at home otherwise. She is truly amazing and the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I meant to take a picture of us together while she was here, but forgot. Here is one of my favorites from when we were little.

Joey

Joey had his first snow day this past Tuesday! I didn't even realize kids had snow days in Arizona! He put it to good use by going snowboarding with his friends. Here are a couple of photos he took.

Volunteering

As you all know, I've missed teaching terribly. Besides missing out on getting to spend my days with the kids at school, it has also been hard to not have something outside of myself and the cancer to focus on. I've talked about looking into volunteering and Pam nudged me into going to the Gilbert Public Library to see if they needed volunteers. We went over and I filled out the paperwork. The lady in charge called me the same evening. I go Wednesday afternoon for orientation and then will start. I think it will be a nice fit for me because I love reading and being around books. I put on the form that I was a teacher, so I'm hoping they might be able to use me in the kids section at some point.

Valentine's Day

Cindy who works with Joe helped him make arrangements for us to go out to dinner and stay at a hotel in Scottsdale for Valentine's Day. We stayed overnight on Friday. When Joe asked me what I would like to do on Saturday, I wanted to do something outdoors. I got thinking about my friend, Jane from school, who wrote on her blog about hiking up Camelback Mountain. I love to be outdoors and to hike, but have mostly done it up at our cabin in Payson or on vacation. I have never done any of the local trails. I was really inspired by Jane and suggested to Joe that we try it. I had no idea how I would do and we agreed we'd just start out and turn around any time I felt like I needed to. Well, guess what? I made it to the top!!! I did have to stop pretty frequently to catch my breath and Joe kept encouraging me the whole second half of the hike. "We're almost there. You can do it." I get vertigo pretty easy and in some places toward the end of the hike you're scrambling over rocks with pretty good drop offs on both sides. I just kept saying to myself, "Don't look down. Don't look down." Then, we were at the top! The first picture below is of Camelback Mountain. I didn't take it. I downloaded it from the Internet. I thought you'd all be more impressed with my accomplishment if you could see how high it is. :>) The other pictures are of Joe and I at the top. I was so excited and energized at the top of the mountain, but by the time we made our way back down I was done in! We had reservations to go to Rigatoni's for dinner, but I begged off and was in bed and sound asleep shortly after seven. I feel great again today. It was an awesome way to spend the day.

Well, that's it for now. A little of this and a little of that, but no political commentary. :>) I hope all is well with everyone and that you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day!

Love you all tons!
Martha

Holding Pattern For Now

2009-02-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone. We are back from Tucson again. Pretty soon we will be able to make the drive in our sleep. Actually, I think Joe may have done part of it in his sleep yesterday! He has so much on his shoulders right now between keeping his business going in this poor economy, worrying about me and trying to be there for me all the time, and medical bills that come in the mail every single day. Thank goodness we have good health insurance! He is emotionally and physically exhausted. I don't know how I'd get through this without him. Luckily, Pam arrived on Monday and she is a huge help to us both emotionally and with all kinds of other things.

We saw Dr. Livingston first thing yesterday and he seemed pleased. I'd only had the first dose of my new treatment, but he seemed to think the tumor felt softer and possibly a bit smaller. I have hematomas (blood clots) under the skin from where they did my biopsies which makes it difficult to do a good assessment. They should resolve over the next couple of weeks. He is sending me for an ultrasound on the
17th and will see me again on the 24th. In the meantime, I just keep going for my weekly chemo treatments. He did say that I may need to be on chemotherapy for as long as six months before I'm ready for surgery. This is longer than I had previously thought. I didn't think to ask why. It's hard to describe the anxiety and fear I feel everytime I have a doctor's visit and sometimes it's not until I'm away and think over the things he said that questions come to mind. Anyway, I'm trying to follow my mantra of one day at a time.

Chemo went smoothly. Only the Abraxane this week, so I was in and out of there in an hour. My blood counts were lower, but still within the range where it is ok to have the chemo. Fingers crossed, this trend will continue.

Joey calls almost every day from school and seems to be really enjoying it. He came down two weekends ago to visit and was very happy. He has made friends who have similar interests as he does. They were out yesterday riding long boards around campus. They went snowboarding this past Sunday. He brought laundry home with him and insisted on doing it himself. He says he is enjoying learning to be independent.

Michael has been very busy between working as a bus boy at Buffalo Wild Wings, keeping up with his school work, and lacrosse practice every day after school. He is a junior this year and is hoping desperately that he makes the varsity team.

Janaya is also busy working as a server/bartender at The Texas Roadhouse and going to ASU full time. She told Pam and I the other night that she is in need of a shopping fix, so we're planning on fitting that in later this week.

Joe and I are amazed and so proud of the wonderful people they are growing into.

Joe and I went up to our cabin outside of Payson this past weekend for the first time since before I was diagnosed. It did us both good. So much of our energy, thoughts, and conversations are focused around my illness that many times it just seems to consume us. For these two days, we were able to put it in the background somewhat. We went for a walk, then took a long ATV ride through the forest, played a game, and had a nice dinner. The weather was cool, but beautiful. It was good medicince for both of us and hopefully we'll be able to get up there a little more often now that it seems my treatment has fallen into a routine.

The cabin in Payson.

Well, that's it for now. We miss everyone, but know we are in all of your hearts. That means so much to us!

Love you all!
Martha

I've Started My New Chemo Regimen

2009-01-29T16:42:00.001-08:00

Hi, everyone. I am sorry I am slow in getting an update written. I started my new chemo regimen on Tuesday and so far it seems to be much easier than the previous one. I had my chemo on Tuesday and was able to go up to school for the morning flag ceremony the next day! One of my previous students, Desiree, who made me the beautiful blanket and pillow, was being recognized as the Character Counts Student of the Month. I got to say a few words about her and give her a big hug. I also got to thank one of the teachers, Shannon Guarneri, for donating her hair to Locks of Love in my honor. We have televisions in each of the classrooms and each morning the Tiger Town News program is done. Shannon had her hair cut right on the morning news program in front of the whole school! The people at my school have really rallied around me. Their love and support have been amazing. After the flag ceremony, the teacher who replaced me invited me to come and visit my old class. I got to spend about a half an hour with them, talking and having them show me the projects they were working on. I know the chemotherapy is vital in fighting the cancer, but getting to do these kinds of things is definitely the best medicine for my spirit!

I will write about my treatment below for those of you who may be interested.

We didn't have to be at the Cancer Center on Tuesday until 11:30, so it was a much more relaxed morning than when we went up last week. First stop was the lab. They have to check my blood counts each time before I get my chemo. If they drop too low, they have to put off giving me the chemo until they come up again.

It was the first time they used my new port and I can see that it is going to be very beneficial to have it. It is under the skin, so I do have to be stuck with a needle, but there is no hunting around for a vein and once they accessed it in the lab, they left it hooked up so I didn't need to be stuck again when I went upstairs for my chemo. They use a 90 degree needle and then put a gauze over and under it and tape it down. The needle felt a bit like a bee sting going in, but they gave me numbing medicine to put on an hour ahead of time for my next visit. The nurse said eventually the skin itself will develop its own numbness from being stuck in the same place over and over.

Next, it was upstairs to the chemo unit. They gave me tylenol and benadryl to prevent a reaction to the Avastin. Then, I had to wait thirty minutes for them to take effect. First they gave me the Abraxane. It only takes thirty minutes to give. The Avastin is the one they were concerned about causing an allergic reaction, so they gave it over ninety minutes. Each time I go, they will reduce the time by thirty minutes until it, too, is given over a half hour. I only get the Avastin every other week, so when I go again this coming Tuesday, it should go pretty quickly.

The concern I have now is how my blood counts will do with the new chemo drugs. The nurse told me the Abraxane can be pretty hard on them, but a lady in my exercise class has been on Abraxane for a while now and says she hasn't had any problem with her counts. I really don't want to miss any of my treatments! If my counts do drop, there is a medication called Neupogen they can give me that stimulates the body to produce more.

The radiologist called and gave us the results of the biopsies he did last week. Again, the pathology just showed fibrocystic tissue and no cancer cells. I asked him if this was a typical report when there was cancer and it has been killed off by the chemo. He really didn't know. He said it is very unusual for a biopsy to be done once chemotherapy has already started. He said his experience is that they typically measure the effectiveness of the chemotherapy with radiological procedures; ultrasounds and/or MRI's. I'm not really sure why the doctors ordered new biopsies. I think they were thinking I was not responding to the initial chemotherapy regimen and they wanted to confirm things like the hormone status of the cancer cells because this determines how they treat the cancer. The radiologist said he would view the pathology results as a sign that indeed the chemotherapy is doing its job. I will see Dr. Livingston, the medical oncologist, this coming Tuesday before I have my chemo so maybe he will be able to explain it all better to me.

Regardless, I feel like I'm recieving the right care. My previous oncologist was going to give me two more treatments of the Taxotere and then send me to surgery. I was really worried that the surgery was going to be done too soon, before they had eradicated as much of the cancer as possible. This is vitally important when the diagnosis is Inflammatory Breast Cancer which is what I was being told I had at the time. I've also learned it is very important with the hormone status of my cancer cells. I am what they call triple negative. This means that my cancer cells did not have estrogen or progesterone receptors or something called Her2. Triple negative cancers are generally more aggressive, but respond well to chemotherapy. They also have a higher chance of metastasis than other breast cancers and therefore a poorer prognosis. However, if I have a complete pathological response at the time of surgery, which means there is no sign of the cancer in my breast or lymph nodes, the prognosis is much better.

My new doctors are giving me Abraxane which is another form of Taxotere once a week for two to three months instead of two more treatments two weeks apart. I've read studies where this has been shown to be very effective with locally advanced breast cancer. Plus, I am recieving the newest drug being used to fight breast cancer, Avastin. I am anxious to have the surgery over with, but feel like this new regimen gives me the best chance of beating this disease for the long-term.

Pam is coming back on Monday. I feel selfish because it is so helpful emotionally to me to have her here, but I know it has got to be hard on her family to have her gone so much. They assure me that they are fine and want Pam to be out here with me right now. She has a wonderful, amazing family and I know sharing her with me right now is their way of helping me fight this disease. They will never know how much their sacrifice means to me!

That's it for now!
Love you all tons!
Martha

Back From Tucson

2009-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

We got back from Tucson about five o'clock last night, but I was too tired and sore to attempt updating my blog. Sorry, I know people were waiting for news.

We started the day at 4 a.m. here at home and left at 4:30 in order to arrive at the breast radiology center in Tucson by 7 a.m. This is where they did another ultrasound guided needle core biopsy. I'll share what the radiologist said and did, but honestly everytime I go for one of these procedures I just get more and more confused and a bit overwhelmed.

They started by checking out under my arm. There is one lymph node there that has shown up on every test I've had done. Every report states that it has normal architecture and is no sign for concern. The radiologist agreed with this and so did not do a fine needle aspiration.

Next, they did the ultrasound of my breast. The radiologist said he would only do another core biopsy if he saw a definite area of concern; a definite area to target. I have a hematoma (blood clot) at the site of the needle core biopsy done last Friday and that showed up on the ultrasound. There was a definite shadowy area below that that he and the technologist discussed being something like a shadow from the hematoma and weren't sure at first if they would biopsy it or not. This was the only area he considered biopsying. This is in the upper right quadrant of my breast. He said the tissue in the other three quadrants looks normal except for swelling and skin thickening and there was no focal area to biopsy. He said this does not mean there isn't cancer or hasn't been cancer in these areas.

We asked about all five of the original core biopsies being positive for cancer and then the one that Dr. Lang did last week being benign. He said she must have just hit a region where there wasn't cancer. It does not mean there was any error in the original biopsies.

He finally decided he thought the shadowy region was not a shadow and did four core biopsies from that area. He said the tissue was very dense and tough. I know he had to use quite a bit of force to get the needle into the area. The samples were white. We should get the pathology results by Wednesday of this coming week. The possibilities are benign (though I don't think benign tissue is white), cancer, or dense fibrous tissue which would indicate scar tissue. This would indicate that there had been cancer there and the chemo was working and it was being replaced by scar tissue. To me, this third option seems like it would be the best one to get. We know I have cancer and if the biopsy showed scar tissue at least I would know the chemotherapy was working.

He also gave us another dose of reality, as if we need one right now. He talked about the ability to kill off cancer cells with chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation, but just like when you take medication for an infection, there are usually a few cells left over. He said just like the bacteria or viruses that survive treatment in your body, the cancer cells left are the strongest, most resistent to treatment and are the ones that cause reoccurance.

After we finished up at the radiology center, we headed over to the University Medical Center to have my port placed. My veins are bruised and irritated from the chemo treatments I've had so far, so this port is going to be a great thing to have, but I had a mini panic attack in the holding area and started crying. The nurse was a ten year breast cancer survivor and was very understanding. She gave me a few minutes alone with Joe and I got it all back under control. They started my IV and the doctor who was going to do the procedure came by and explained everything to me and I signed the consent.

Then, it was off to the procedure room. I had to move onto a radiology table under a large machine. I lay there while several people worked at getting everything set up and prepping and cleaning my skin. The tears started flowing again, but before too long the nurse gave me something in my IV that made me feel very relaxed. It didn't make me sleepy, but it calmed my nerves. The actual procedure took about a half hour. I was under a sterile drape the whole time with my head turned to the side so I could see and talk to the nurse. Two doctors did the procedure and explained everything they were doing throughout. It honestly wasn't too bad and I was able to walk back to the holding room afterwards.

When the numbing medicine wore off on the way home last night, it was very painful. Moving my head at all side to side made it worse, so I tried holding very still and that made my neck and shoulders achy. Luckily, when we got home, I took some more tylenol and a sleeping pill. Combined with not getting very much sleep the night before and all the stress of the day catching up with me, I fell sound asleep. I only woke up once during the night and took more tylenol. I'm still pretty sore today, but not as bad as yesterday.

I can't take the bandages off until Monday, so that will be my first glimpse of what it looks like. Everything is under the skin and the doctors said it would be barely noticeable.

After we finished up at the hospital, we headed over to the cancer center to have my stitches taken out from last week's biopsy. While we were there, we found out that Dr. Livingston had agreed to let me start my new chemo regimen this coming Tuesday, the 27th. He had originally wanted me to wait another week until February 3rd, supposedly to build up my strength. This would have meant an entire month between chemo treatments and was causing me a lot of anxiety. Everything I read says you do not die from breast cancer, you die from it metastasizing to other vital organs. I worry about it spreading all the time and a whole month off from treatment seemed like a long time to me. So, even though the doctors both told me they didn't think the additional week off was any cause for concern, they respected my feelings and agreed to start this week.

So, that's all the new news for now. I plan to spend this weekend resting and building up my strength so I go into this new treatment strong. I'll let you all know when we have news from the pathology report.

I know a lot of people were thinking of me yesterday. Thank you!

Love you tons!
Martha

Good, Maybe Great News, I think?

2009-01-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, all of you who have been on this roller coaster of emotions with me over the last couple of months, tighten your seatbelts because here we go again!!! Dr. Lang's nurse just called me and said the pathology for the core biopsy samples Dr. Lang took last Friday came back BENIGN! Yes, you read that right, BENIGN!

Dr. Lang is not in the office today, so I couldn't speak with her directly. Her nurse said Dr. Lang feels it is because I have already recieved chemotherapy treatment. But, this must mean the chemo drugs are working, right? I honestly don't know what to think. I'm wondering if she just didn't get the right tissue? But, if the tumor is as big as they're saying it is and she did the procedure with the use of ultrasound, how could that be? She even made a point of making sure she got tissue that was white saying that indicated tumor tissue. She showed the samples to Joe. Maybe she didn't take samples from a wide enough region? Could the lab have messed up?

I go back up to Tucson on Friday. I am going to a radiological center that only does breast procedures. The radiologist told me to bring all my previous films for him to look at. They will do the ultrasound of my left underarm and possibly the fine needle aspiration if they see any lymph nodes and then they will do yet more biopsies of my breast tissue to confirm results.

I feel like I've done a pretty good job since all of this started of keeping my emotions pretty even. I got really low over the last two days and thanks to the wonderful notes people wrote to me, Joe and Pam supporting and encouraging me, and the arrival of the "Margarita Express" at my door yesterday (I love you, Carol and Norma!), I felt like I was back to being even keeled. So, I'm trying to not get too excited by this news until after I have the further testing and the doctors can explain in depth to me what it means, but considering when I had my first biopsy done all five core samples came back as malignant, this seems like good news, doesn't it?

Whatever it is all of you are doing out there, praying and sending good thoughts, please keep it up because for at least today, it feels like it is working miracles for me.

Love you all tons!
Martha

I Just Don't Know

2009-01-19T07:44:00.000-08:00

How could I have a tumor large enough to make one breast larger than the other and not have known it sooner? That's what everyone wants to know, myself included. I asked Dr. Lang this and she said something about some tumors having pretty indistinct borders and being hard to feel.

I've honestly never been very good about going to the doctor for regular physicals. I've always been active and healthy and except for a rare cold never been sick. I did have a mammogram done five years ago. Then, this past spring after a girlfriend recommended her doctor, I did go for a physical. The doctor did a breast exam and didn't feel anything unusual. She did order a routine mammogram. Her office was going to schedule it, but then called because they wanted me to find out where I could go that was covered by my insurance. Well, I was busy with the end of the school year, then getting ready to go to Alaska with my family for my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary, going to Alaska, starting the new school year, and I just never got back to them. When I did have it done in September, it was read as negative, just dense breast tissue. No change from the one done five years ago. I did do fairly regular self breast exams. I am naturally pretty small breasted and thought it would be very easy to feel if I had anything unusual going on.

I realize that my breast must have gradually gotten larger over time, but to me it honestly seemed to happen overnight. I get dressed every day in front of the mirror in my closet. It was only right before my period started, when I'm usually a little swollen and tender, that I noticed the difference. I'd worn bikini tops to the hot tub on the cruise during the summer and had to wear one of those strapless adhesive bras with my gown for the formal night and did not notice any difference.

The first ultrasound and MRI did not identify any tumor. They didn't even say anything about abnormal breast tissue. Just dense tissue, swelling, and skin thickening.

With the diagnosis of IBC I was able to tell myself that the onset is so sudden there was nothing I could have done. I gave myself credit for being so quick to get to the doctors. Now, I'm left with a lot of questions, what ifs, and a sense of responsibility that I should have been better about going to the doctor regularly. Maybe if I had, the cancer would not be advanced. I just don't know.

Happy Birthday, Joey!

2009-01-16T15:35:00.000-08:00

Today is Joey's 19th birthday! We are so proud of him and of the young man he has grown into! This is the first time ever we haven't been with one of our kids for their birthday. We had a celebration before he left for school, but it still feels weird. His email is joeyhitzel@yahoo.com if anyone wants to send him birthday wishes. I tried to scan a baby picture, but was having trouble getting the scanner to scan lighter pictures.

Age Three

High School Graduation

Tucson Medical Update

2009-01-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in letting everyone know what we found out in Tucson. We had to stay overnight for testing. I'm also including a lot of medical information because I know some of you who read my blog have dealt with cancer yourselves.

Ok, everyone. If you're not sitting down yet, sit down now before reading on. Tucson went wonderfully! Both of the doctors we saw said they were completely sure I do NOT have inflammatory breast cancer! I do have locally advanced breast cancer which just means that the cancer from the breast has spread to the local lymph nodes. You can't even imagine the shock Pam, Joe, and I felt as we sat listening to the doctors!

The first doctor we met with was the surgical oncologist, Dr. Lang. She is the one my sister found out about on the Internet. She did a year fellowship at the Inflammatory Breast Cancer Center at M.D. Anderson in Houston. This center deals with IBC patients from all over the United States and the world. They've been open since 2006 and have seen over 200 IBC patients. She saw a lot of IBC during her time there and she says that is definitely not what I have. When we saw Dr. Livingston, the medical oncologist in the afternoon, he said he definitely agreed.

So, how did the Mayo clinic give me the wrong diagnosis? That was a big question that came right away into our minds. They said my tumor is large, encompassing a lot of the breast,so especially before I had any chemo, the margins may have been hard for them to feel. Also, because it is large, it blocks circulation throughout the lymph system creating the swelling and breast enlargement that are typical of IBC. They also said because IBC is so rare, that doctors just don't see it very often and aren't familiar with it.

Ok, here's more good news. The five year survival rate for locally advanced cancer is as high as 75%!!! That's about double the 30 to 40% survival rate for IBC!!!

I should be singing and dancing around, but I think I'm still in shock. And, exhausted from two days of seeing doctors, being poked with needles, and having tests done.

Dr. Lang is amazing! She is in her young thirties. She is passionate about treating patients with IBC and advanced breast cancer. She spent over two hours with us the first day, doing her exam, explaining everything, and patiently answering all of our questions. She then came in at the end of our appointment with Dr. Livingston for about twenty to thirty more minutes, so they could talk with us together about what they'd talked about and my treatment plan. Then, today, she came back to the cancer center from the hospital between two surgeries so she could do a needle core biopsy. This is the same kind of biopsy I had done at the Mayo Clinic, but she and Dr. Livingston wanted to do another just to double check the results. The pathologist tests the cancer cells for things like estrogen and progesterone hormone responsiveness and a test called Her2. My initial biopsy said I was negative for all three of these. If I were positive, there are hormone therapies and a drug called Herceptin that would be used in my treatment. Being, triple negative means they can only treat me with chemotherapy. So, they just wanted to be absolutely positive before deciding what chemo drugs they will use.

Dr. Livingston, the medical oncologist, talked to us about what chemotherapy he has in mind assuming for now that my results will be the same. They are two cutting edge drugs called Abraxane and Avastin. The Abraxane is in the same family of drugs as the Taxotere Dr. Polowy added to my regimen four weeks ago, but the Taxotere is attached to some kind of solvent to get it into your tissues and has side effects related to that. One being that they have to give you steroids, which have their own set of side effects, to prevent allergic reactions. The Abraxane is attached to a protein called albumin and so has less side effects and you don't have to have steroids with it. The Avastin is a drug that I think has only recently been approved for Her2 negative breast cancer patients and does something with blood vessel growth. I still have to research these more. I would get both of these once a week. What's a bit amazing to me is I had asked Dr. Polowy about once a week Taxotere because I had read about a study done that showed it was more effective than every two to three weeks and he said no, that was only for patients who had metastasis. I had also asked his nurse, he had left the room already, about Abraxane, and she said no they only used that as a second line drug. Dr. Lang told us Dr. Livingston is well known all over the United States and I felt so confident in what he was saying. He is an older gentleman who has been a medical oncologist for almost fifty years and he is still working on research and being at the forefront of breast cancer treatment. He was very kind and really seemed interested in me and what my thoughts and feelings were.

Today, I had a CT scan with contrast to again rule out metastasis and again, it was negative! It didn't even show any axillary or other lymph nodes. This doesn't mean the cancer isn't in the lymph nodes and both Dr. Lang and Dr. Livingston think it probably is, but at least it's not so overwhelming that it's showing up on the scans I've had done. We'll only definitely know once they've removed the lymph nodes during surgery and we get a pathology report. Hopefully by that time, even if there was cancer in them, it would have been eradicated by the chemotherapy.

Both doctors said we have a good chance of curing this. Dr. Lang said we have a big fight ahead of us, but the outlook is much more positive than if I did have IBC and Dr. Livingston said he is optimistic.

I go back next Friday for an ultrasound of my axilla (underarm). So far, nothing has show up on any of the tests they've done. The doctors think it has something to do with my lymph system and with the tumor and swelling putting pressure on the blood vessels. If they see lymph nodes when they do the scan, they will do a fine needle aspiration. I didn't ask, but I think this would enable them to do pathology for cancer cells. I will be getting a port put in which is a kind of permanent intravenous line so I don't have to keep getting stuck with needles all the time. And, I should be ready to start my new chemo regimen by the end of the month.

So, the three of us are exhausted! Between the emotions of moving Joey up to NAU, waiting to go to Tucson, going and hearing all the unbelievable news, and having all the testing done, it's been a long week. But, we are all so excited and feel that everyone's thoughts and prayers have helped lead us to the doctors that are going to be able to help us beat this. The doctors said if I respond well to the chemo and they can do the mastectomy and get what they call clean margins, I will be cured! The new key words we live for now are complete pathological response; a fancy way of saying cured. This is so much better than no evidence of disease which means we think we got it all for now, but it will probably show up again somewhere else in the future!

Sorry for going on and on. Our minds and emotions are just whirling!

Love you all tons!
Till next time,
Martha

I Love My Book Club!

2009-01-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to post and say thanks to my fellow book club members and tell them how much I care for and appreciate them.

When I got up this morning, my blood counts must have still been low because I took my shower and then couldn't get myself up off the couch for two hours! I finally forced myself up and then gradually throughout the day I felt myself getting stronger and stronger. I can literally feel when my Neulasta shot has kicked in and my counts are climbing. So, I was feeling well and was able to go to book club tonight.

As always, we had a wonderful time. Lots of laughter and commiserating and sharing of our lives. When the waitress took our money we told her thanks and she said, "Thank you. You are all so nice and happy. Most people aren't so happy."

I left tonight feeling so very cared about by the girls and full of positive energy for tomorrow and just wanted to say thanks!

Love you tons!
Martha

Joey is Moved In!

2009-01-12T15:30:00.000-08:00

Joey is officially an NAU Lumberjack! This weekend was move in weekend for NAU. Pam, Joe, Joey, and I drove up Friday night and stayed at the Embassy Suites on campus. Saturday was move in day! I was four days out from my chemo and did amazingly well. My stomach would get upset, but it seemed like I was able to keep it under better control this time versus my previous treatments. Maybe I'm just getting more used to the chemo or maybe I was just so excited about helping Joey move in that it was below the surface. At one point, Joey and I were walking through Target together and he gave me a hug and said, "I love you Mom. I'm glad you're here." Of course the tears started flowing. Any thought of a sick stomach was far from my mind at that point. I did get tired out pretty easily and had to take breaks, but overall I did great.

We had so much fun! Moving your child out from home for the first time is sure an emotional time. I was missing Joey before we'd even started moving him into the dorm and yet at the same time was feeling so excited for him. The dorm room seemed really nice. I'll post a couple of pictures Joey took below. His roommate wasn't there yet while we were moving in, but Joe went back in the evening and got to meet him. He seemed really nice and Joey has said they get along well, but he is planning on moving out to a fraternity in a week or so. I guess it might be nice for Joey to have the room to himself, but I would have preferred if he had a roommate to hang out with.

We did not buy that refrigerator! It comes with the dorm room. We have Skype set up on our and Joey's computer and he already called and checked in with me this morning. He seems very happy.

Not much change on the cancer front. I've been pretty wiped out today, but it is probably just the weekend catching up with me. Today is also the day my blood counts are at their lowest before they start rebounding. I had my repeat ultrasound and MRI last week and am awaiting the results. The ultrasound radiologist was certainly not encouraging. She had a technician in with her who was training to do breast ultrasounds and said things to her like, "You should never see skin thickening like this" and "This tissue looks very abnormal." UGH. I just told myself that she wasn't comparing it to the original ultrasound, so even though she didn't think it looked good, it could be an improvement over the first one. The doctors' appointments in Tucson were rescheduled for Wednesday. This was the first day both doctors could see me on the same day. We are taking reports and films from all the procedures I've had done and they will be able to tell me what direction things are going in. Good thoughts and prayers for positive news are greatly needed and appreciated. Every time in the past when we've worried about test results, they've been good. I hope the trend continues!

I went to a first meeting of a physical fitness program for cancer patients today. It is a program that was started by a personal trainer who had a client diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She worked with that client all through her treatment and really saw the need for and role of keeping physically fit for cancer patients. She and another personal trainer researched and found a program in California and have modeled theirs after it. It lasts for ten weeks and is held at the Mountainside Fitness Center here in Gilbert. We meet twice a week and they help you develop a personal fitness plan that you can continue with afterwards. Mountainside Fitness gives you a free membership for the ten weeks and the program is funded through grants and donations, so there is no cost to the people who participate. I was really excited about going. Before I was diagnosed, I used to go to the gym an average of three to four days a week. I haven't been at all since finding out I had cancer. I feel run down and tired a lot and am anxious to start doing something positive to change that. Plus, I got to meet six other women who have been battling cancer a lot longer than I have and they all had such positive attitudes. I think participating will not only help me physically, but emotionally, too.

Janaya plans to be home from work early tonight and Michael is off after working the playoff games all weekend, so we're planning a nice family dinner. It will be weird not having Joey at the dinner table, but nice to spend time with Janaya and Michael after being gone all weekend.

Bookclub tomorrow night! I've been looking forward to it for weeks!

That's it for now. I hope all is well with each of you. I'll update when we get back from Tucson.

Till next time,
Love you all tons!
Martha

New Update

2009-01-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was chemo day, again, and everything went smoothly. I'm feeling surprisingly well this morning. Maybe my body is getting a little bit used to the drugs?

We continue to have mixed feelings about my medical oncologist. He is nice enough and seems to have a basic understanding of IBC and the standard course of treatment for it, but does not seem to have cutting edge knowledge. He was still unsure about what is going on under my arm. I told him I had found one picture on the Internet that looked exactly like what I was demonstrating and that the caption underneath said it was caused by axillary venous thrombosis (small blood clots in the veins under your arm) caused by the breast cancer. I coulnd't find any other information about this. After I told him this he said we would order an ultrasound. I also talked to him about talking with the doctor from the IBC clinic in Houston and his suggestion that we have a follow up MRI now that I'm about halfway through my chemo treatment. He agreed to this also. We talked to him about drawing blood for tumor markers and following those. He said he wouldn't really use them to inform treatment decisions as their peaking and lowering can lag behind what is actually happening in my body, but did agree to have them drawn. The visit at this point had lasted maybe 15 minutes. He then told us he was sorry, but he had to go. It wouldn't be fair to his other patients to stay longer. This seems to be the pattern of our visits. Does it make sense that we're a bit uneasy with him? I don't like the feeling of always being the one to bring up treatment or diagnostic ideas. I want him to do that and be able to explain them to me.

However, on the more positive side, after we left from getting my chemo, the doctor from the IBC clinic in Tuscon sent an email and had her nurse call us. She would be very happy to be involved in my care. We are going up to Tuscon on Monday to see her (she is a surgical oncologist) and another doctor she works with who is a medical oncologist. We've researched both of them on the web and they both seem very knowledgeable in the treatment of IBC.

After that, later in the evening, a medical oncologist here in Phoenix that has come highly recommended to us called us personally. This was around 6:30 in the evening. He knew the doctors from up in Tuscon and was even familiar with what treatment protocol they might want to put me on. He said he would be glad to take me on as a patient, but wants to let the doctors in Tuscon lead the way as to whether they want to act as my primary doctors and provide care or if he would be my primary doctor and they would act in a more consultative role. All in all, I went to bed feeling much calmer and feel we are moving in the right direction. The medical oncologist that called me last evening said, "This is what it is, but we'll do everything we can to beat it." I liked that.

That's it for now!
Love you all tons!
Martha

A Busy, Emotional Week

2009-01-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

The week has gone by quickly and I'm off to chemo again in an hour. I thought I'd take a few minutes and update everyone.

My sister, Pam arrived on Wednesday along with my nephew, Connor. Connor is one year younger than Michael. Pam took him and my two boys up to Flagstaff for a weekend of skiing/snowboarding and they had a great time. Then, last night, Michael took Connor to a Ska concert. Ska music is a lot of instrumental; saxaphone, trumpet, etc. with vocals. They spent the evening body surfing the crowd and mosh pitting and came home exhausted and sweaty. Teenagers' idea of a great time! Connor left early this morning so he can get back to school. We'll miss him.

One of the highlights of the week was Joe and I going up to Sedona for the weekend. Joe found a place to stay right on Oak Creek. It had a fireplace and a jacuzzi right in the room. We drove up Friday night and went out for a great dinner at the Cowboy Club. This is a steak house where many movie stars including John Wayne used to eat when they were in Sedona filming. Saturday, we had breakfast in the room and then headed into town for a day of browsing through the shops and galleries. There are many beautiful things to look at. I felt a little sad for the shopkeepers. There were a lot of people in town looking, but very few purchases being made. We were met at the door of most places we went into and told that everything was 25% off. I felt bad for not buying anything. By 2:00 we were tired out and headed back to the place we were staying for a while. Just in time to see the Cardinals game! The housekeepers came in while we were watching the game. Joe was sitting on the end of the bed in front of the TV and I was sitting in a chair off to the side, working on a scarf I'm making for Joey to take to Flagstaff and watching the game. After the housekeepers left, Joe said they were probably thinking, "Poor girl. Visiting Sedona for a romantic weekend and her husband is making her watch football!" In reality, it was me who wanted to watch the game and Joe humoring me! Another nice dinner out at an Italian restaurant that was pricey, but not as good as Rigatoni's here in town. Sunday morning, when we woke up, it was snowing outside. The rock formations were beautiful with the snow on them. It was a wonderful, romantic weekend.

Another highlight of the past week has been helping Joey get ready for his move up to Flagstaff this coming weekend. We are all so excited. We've been out buying all the things he'll need in order to live away from home for the first time. NAU has a hotel right on campus. We made reservations for Friday and Saturday night. That way, I can go and help even if I'm not feeling well from the chemo I'll have a place to rest when I need to.

It's also been a busy, emotional week on the cancer front. Through the listserve I joined I've been in touch with a lady who is the president of the Inflammatory Breast Cancer Foundation. She has spent time emailing me and also put me in contact with the doctor who is the head of the Inflammatory Breast Cancer Center in Houston, Texas. Both of them felt that although my oncologist is treating me with the standard protocol for IBC, that he isn't doing enough to monitor my response. The swelling and tenderness under my left arm which had gotten better after my last chemo is back and they were concerned about this. They both felt I should be seen in Houston and that I should plan on having my surgery done there when it was time by their team of specialists. The idea of going to a center that specializes in this rare disease seemed to make sense, but once we started researching it is out of network for both of our insurance plans. The bills associated with my treatment are huge and there is no way we could afford to cover 40% of the cost. So, I was left feeling like I'm not getting the best treatment from the oncologist I have, but unsure what step to take next. Then, Joe spent a long time yesterday with a good friend, John, whose wife had breast cancer. When Joe sat and talked with Pam and I about their conversation, it made it all the more clear to us that the oncologist I have now is not doing enough. John highly recommended the oncologist his wife saw and we called first thing this morning and made an appointment.

In addition to this, Pam was doing research on the Internet last night and found that there is a doctor up in Tuscon who did her fellowship at the IBC Cancer Center in Houston and has started an IBC clinic at the U of A Medical Center. I have no idea why the doctor in charge of the Houston program wouldn't have told me about this resource so close to home other than there is some competition between centers. This left me with a bad feeling. We are going to contact the doctor in Tuscon later today.

As if all this going on wasn't making me feel frazzled enough, while we were researching this doctor up in Tuscon we found a video presentation she made to other doctors giving an overview of IBC, it's symtoms, diagnosis, and treatment. In the video, she says that the prognosis has not improved since the 1970's and that the five year survival rate continues to be somewhere between 30 and 40%. I've been told that they've learned a lot about treating IBC and that the survival rates were improving. I'm focusing on this and on the women on the listserve who are long-term survivors, but it was definitely unsettling last night to hear that video.

So, as you can see, lots going on around here. I'm off to chemo in just a few minutes. I'll let you all know what we find out from the new doctors. Please keep the wonderful thoughts and prayers coming, they help immeasurably.

Love you all tons!
Till next time,
Martha

Inspiring Words

2008-12-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! I'm back to feeling my normal self and don't have to go to my next chemo until one week from today and so have some time to enjoy feeling well.

It's been a bit of a rough day emotionally for me. I met Liesl, a teacher friend from school, at Starbucks. We talked for almost an hour and a half. It was a wonderful time, but when we left I was headed home and she was headed up to school to get ready for next week. I was so jealous. Then, when I came home, I exchanged emails with the teacher who is going to take over my class for the second half of the year. She is so sweet and caring and enthusiastic. I know she is going to do a wonderful job and that the kids will love her. But, again, it just left me feeling sad.

I've joined a listserve that is made up of women and families who have or are battling Inflammatory Breast Cancer and through this list I've learned that it is possible to be a long-term survivor of this disease. They don't really talk of curing it, but there are members of the list who have been without evidence of disease for over ten years. This gives me so much hope. Many members have also talked about how the chemotherapy part of the treatment plan is the worst and that the surgery and radiation afterwards aren't nearly so bad in comparison. This is also very encouraging. If everything continues to go smoothly for me and according to plan, I should be finishing up radiation this summer. If that is so, I am thinking I will be able and ready to return to the classroom next year. Focusing on that helps me deal with missing it so much right now. When I first started researching IBC and the prognosis, I didn't think I was ever going to be able to return. Now, I know that there is a good chance I will be able to.

I'm always amazed at how, just when I'm feeling low, something happens to pick me up again. That happened again today. My friend and neighbor, Mary Lopez, sent over a Christmas present and with the card she enclosed something called The Optimist's Creed. It is written by C.D. Larson. The words were just what I needed to hear. I asked Mary and she said it was fine to share them on the blog. I think you all will find them as inspiring as I have.

The Optimist's Creed

Promise yourself:
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Love you all tons!
Until next time,
Martha

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2008-12-25T14:31:00.001-08:00

We just wanted to let everyone know I'm feeling 100% better and to wish you all a very wonderful holiday!

With all our love!
Joe, Martha, Janaya, Joey, and Michael

Update From the Doctor

2008-12-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

Well, at least there's a reason why I'm still feeling poorly (that's the only nice word I could think of to describe how I'm feeling right now). The doctor's office just called and yesterday's blood test shows my white blood count at 0.9 when the normal is 4-11. This means no pedicure. :>( No fresh fruits or vegetables. No fresh cut flowers. Limited visitors. Lots of hand washing. Monitoring my temperature. And an antibiotic. Please, please don't let it create any more havoc on my stomach!

I do get a shot after each chemo treatment called Neulastin which stimulates my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells and it should be kicking in any time now, so hopefully this is short lived and I'll be feeling better in no time.

Till next time!
Tons of love!
Martha

Slowly Turning the Corner

2008-12-24T07:13:00.000-08:00

Good morning, everyone. I was going to wait until this evening to write, but got worried I'd tire out and not get it done. It's been a long, slow week recovering from the chemo this time. Yesterday and so far today have been better, but I'm usually pretty much back to my normal self by now, but am still feeling the effects. I guess it's a result of adding the third chemo drug. It's been pretty much like the first two times. A crampy belly was added to a nauseous stomach, the bad taste in my mouth is taking forever to go away, and I'm getting terrible hot flashes. I've been told the chemo will make me go through menopause, so I'm assuming that's what the hot flashes are. They're awful! It's like someone takes my internal thermostat and cranks it up ten degrees! One good thing about being bald; I just tear off my hat or wig and that provides some instant relief. :>)

The only other new thing is being unusually teary. About nothing really in particular except for feeling sorry for myself. This isn't my normal personality and I think it may be a result of my blood counts being low and my energy being sapped.

This is where I stop complaining and get to what I really wanted to write. I can't even begin to describe to everyone how much your notes on the blog or emails or cards in the mail or just knowing people are thinking of me helps. People tell me I'm strong and brave, but I'm really not. It's all of you and my family that give me strength and help me to feel brave when the worries and doubts and self pity start creeping in. Your words of support and love and encouragement mean more than I could ever express. I reread things all the time when I need a pick me up. I still haven't made my way through my blessing jar. I save it for when I'm really feeling down and it always picks me up. Every time I read each of your notes, I want to respond personally to you and tell you how much your words mean. I'm sorry I can't do that and hope that in some small way this blog lets you know how much I appreciate and thrive on your words and the sentiments behind them.

The meals people have been bringing over have been awesome! The Francom's dropped dinner over two nights ago and Joey was leaping around the kitchen. "I love getting all this food!" he yelled. My family has never made much secret of what they think of my cooking abilities and think at least one benefit from this whole ordeal has been the culinary windfall for them! :>) "And, Mom, do you notice, not one person has brought over meatloaf?" Now, I personally think I make a pretty mean meatloaf. Really, Texas Roadhouse where Janaya works just recently started serving meatloaf and I think it's my recipe! It's one of my favorite meals. But, everytime I cook it I have to make all their favorite side dishes in order to get them to stop moaning and groaning. So, thank you to everyone who has brought over food. It is very greatly appreciated!

I'm pretty sure the Francom's read my blog and I wanted to take a minute and write a personal message to Desiree. Desiree was in my class this year. Her dad teaches at Gilbert El. and her mom and I went to school together. They brought dinner over this week. I was still feeling pretty under the weather and the dog was very interested in what they had brought (almost as interested as Joey!) so I was a bit distracted. Desiree hand made me a beautiful blanket and pillow and I just took them from her and put them down without really looking at them until after she left. Desiree - I love them! The love and care you put into them is so evident. I will use them often and think of you and know you're thinking of me every time I do. Thank you!

I'm off today to get a pedicure. Everything else about me screams cancer patient right now, so I thought it might help if I can look down and see pretty toenails. Then, this afternoon I plan on finishing up wrapping presents. My principal, Sheila, is bringing Christmas Eve dinner over from the school. I can't wait to see her. I've been up to school twice since I officially left, but didn't have the opportunity to see her either time.

I want to end with something that conveys my feelings for all of you, but I've never been very good at sentimental things. Please know I love all of you and hold you all close in my heart. May your day tomorrow be filled with love and joy and many happy family memories.

Till next time,
Love you all tons!
Martha

Change in Treatment Plan

2008-12-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

Well, we went for my chemo treatment yesterday and as usual saw Dr. Polowy first. I told him I wasn't seeing any change in my breast and that the underside of my upper left arm had become very sore to touch or if I reached for anything with that arm. I had had a similar discomfort before I started treatment, but it had gotten better after the first chemo. My constant fear is that the chemo isn't working as well as it should and the cancer will spread, as IBC is prone to do, before we've done surgery. The negative PET scan and bone scan were true gifts. Many, many people aren't diagnosed until the cancer cells have spread. I am a procrastinator at heart, especially when it comes to scheduling doctors appointments and the initial symptoms of IBC are easy to ignore. I don't know why I was more aggressive about this, but am so thankful I was.

Anyway, Dr. Polowy said the discomfort under my arm wasn't a typical symptom and wasn't really sure what was causing it. I thought doctors were supposed to have all the answers. :>( I do appreciate his honesty. To be safe, he's decided to add a third chemo drug to my present regimen. I also totally appreciate his wanting to be very aggressive in my treatment. This is the drug that I would have started after finishing up the four cycles of the present drugs, he's just adding it now. My schedule now changes to every three weeks. I think this is because it may take my blood counts a bit longer to come back up after. I tried to talk him into continuing the two week plan, but he said no. I've told people this, but once the first week is over and I'm feeling mostly over the effects of the chemo, I start to worry about feeling good. It feels like the chemo isn't working anymore and I'm giving the cancer cells a respite. Dr. Polowy says this isn't true, but it's hard not to worry about it.

Well, that's it. I had to take premeds to prevent an allergic reaction to the new drug, so we had to delay the treatment until this morning. I'll let everyone know how it went when I'm feeling better.

Love you all tons!
Martha

Hugs and Laughter, the Best Medicine!

2008-12-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I was right, this past week has been a busy one, but at the same time, a very wonderful one, too.

Last Thursday was my book group's annual holiday party. It was a wonderful time! We started out sentimental with toasting and "clinking" and a few tears and a few laughs, then had a wonderful dinner provided by Kelly, and then got down to the fun. We played Christmas Carol Pictionary. And, laughed and laughed and laughed! It was so much fun. Everyone teased me about being so competitive. My family teases me about the same thing. It's not that I feel like I have to win . . . but winning is more fun than losing, right? I just feel like if you're going to play, you might as well play to win. If I lose, that's ok, I just don't very often. :>) It was a wonderful time and I love the girls in my book club!

Friday night was Joe's work party. It was one of those murder mystery dinners. I had never been to one before. Basically, you watch an Agatha Christie type murder mystery play as you have dinner. There are short intermissions as each course is served. During the dessert course and before the final act of the play you are given a form to fill out guessing who the murderer was, what their motive was, and whether or not they had an accomplice and if they did, who. Then, you watch the final act and find out who did it. It was very entertaining. But, here's the thing. This may be my competitive side coming out, but at the end, they told us they have different endings for the play and the ending they perform is based on who the majority of the audience thought had committed the murder. Well, of course, being the original thinker that I am, my choice wasn't the same as the masses and I was wrong. I lost. :>( Good thing my self-esteem had been built up the night before at book club! Really, it was a very fun night. Joe works with really wonderful people and they care about each other like family. So many people that only have the opportunity to see me a couple of times a year came up to me and shared words of care and support. I'm constantly amazed at the number of people who are keeping me in their daily thoughts and prayers.

This is a picture of Janaya and her boyfriend, Andrew, and Joe and I at the Christmas party.

I got to visit with my class twice in the last few days. I went up Thursday to see the 5th and 6th grade musical that many of my students were in. This was the first I've gotten to see them since I had to leave so abruptly. I was really afraid I would be emotional and cry. I miss them so much! But, they were so happy, I couldn't help but just be happy, too. They were so cute. They'd heard that my hair had fallen out and some of them had seen my picture on the blog. They weren't very good at hiding their curiosity and finally one asked if my hair was a wig. They were amazed when I told them yes. They truly felt like it looked like my real hair which made me feel good. One of the boys was sitting on the bench next to me during the play intermission and was quizzing me about how it stayed on and why it didn't come off and how was it attached. I said, "Shhh. Watch." And took the sides of the wig and wiggled it side to side. His eyes about popped out of his head! I really miss spending my days with them. They are so fun!

Today, I went up for their holiday party. They knew I was going for my chemo tomorrow and so planned it early so I could come. It was a very fun time. I had a chance to move around as they ate and visit and talk with all of them. Read aloud is always one my favorite parts of the day and I got to read them a Christmas story. Then, they gave me a gift from the class. Several different things, but the best part was a blanket that one of my moms made. There are ribbons tied all around the border with each of my student's names on them. I know I will treasure it always. I told them I would take it with me to chemo tomorrow and it would be like they were there with me. They really liked that idea. They are an awesome group of kids. Have I said how much I miss them?

This is a picture of me with my class we took at the party.

As you can see, this past week was filled with lots of laughter and hugs; the very best medicine! My spirits are high going into this next chemo treatment.

Talk to you all soon!
Love you tons!
Martha

Feeling Better!

2008-12-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

Well, it's one week to the day from my second chemo treatment and I'm almost back to my normal self. My stomach has finally settled down and mostly I'm just a little more tired than usual. I told Joe's parents on the phone the other day, the best way to describe the effect of the chemo is that it makes you feel like you've got the flu really bad - restless, achy, and nauseous. It went about the same as last time, lasting about a full week, but at least it wasn't worse. I think it will help emotionally if I can count on one good week in between each treatment. Six more to go before I'm ready for surgery. UGH!

I was able to get out of the house for a couple of hours on Sunday. Joe took me to the Tempe Arts Festival. We had a great time walking around looking at all the beautiful things people make. I think the fresh air did me good.

I spent today catching up on housework. Janaya says I need to get a new hobby, but I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to just be able to do normal things like running the vacum.

This coming week will be a busy one, trying to fit things in before the next chemo treatment - meeting with my book group for our annual holiday celebration, going to watch the 5th/6th grade musical at school (this will be the first I've seen my kids since I had to leave so abruptly), Christmas shopping, going to Joe's work Christmas party, and I've been invited to my class's holiday party. It will be busy, but I'm really looking forward to each of the activities. It also helps keep my mind off of missing being with my class each day.

Oh! An update that doesn't have to do with me! I know many of you are aware of the difficult time Joey had in high school. He has just about completed his first semester at Mesa Community College and is accepted and will be attending NAU starting in January! We are so excited for him! Joe took him up this weekend for orientation (I was so sad to not be feeling well enough to go!) and he is very excited about starting there. He's still not sure what he wants to major in, but will be taking liberal arts courses that he will need no matter what he decides. He loves to snowboard and is excited about being so close to Snowbowl. NAU also offers one credit weekend outdoor classes. He is going to sign up for Intro. to Mountain Biking. I think this campus is going to be a perfect fit for him!

Well, that's it for now. I miss everyone!

Till next time,
Love you all tons!
Martha

I'm Bald!

2008-12-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

Well, it finally happened, right on day 13 and 14, just like the nurse said it would. I noticed yesterday in the shower that there were a lot of loose hairs in my hand when I ran my fingers through my hair. I had a little crying jag, not so much about the idea of losing my hair, but not wanting to look sickly, like a cancer patient. A few hairs continued to fall out throughout the day, but nothing extreme. Then, this morning, when I ran my fingers through my hair, clumps were coming out.

I was in a much better frame of mind today and decided we'd shave it right after Michael got off to school. My sister was up already. I woke up Janaya so she wouldn't sleep through the fun and we got out the clippers. Janaya was trying hard to be appropriately sober until I told her we had to laugh and have fun with it. I could tell she was relieved. She had been worried she would laugh and make me upset. I'm finding throughout this whole ordeal, the more I can find humor in things the easier they are to deal with.

I decided to do most of the shaving myself. It took hardly any time at all. Janaya took pictures and Pam kept exclaiming how beautiful I looked without any hair! My head is still covered in short stubble. I was amazed at how gray it is! I prematurely grayed in my young twenties and have colored my hair ever since. This is the first time I've really seen how completely gray it is.

I've been wearing my wig all day and am getting comfortable with it. It is somewhat longer than my regular hair (well, a lot longer now!), but the girl who cuts my hair said to leave it this length for now. We could always cut it, but once it is cut it stays that way. Wigs don't grow! I got a terrible headache earlier because it was too tight. We called the wig shop and they told us how to loosen it up and it feels much more comfortable now.

I'm going to try and post two pictures. One is a funny one Janaya and I took after we were done shaving my head. I hope you all appreciate how brave I am in posting it! The second one is of me in my wig.

Chemo tomorrow, so I probably won't write for a while.

Till next time,

Love you all tons!

Martha

A Lighter, Funny Note

2008-11-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ok. Now, here's a funny thanksgiving story! Janaya and I went shopping late Wednesday night after she got off of work. There are six of us here and Michael hates all Thanksgiving food (he ate a ham sandwich for dinner yesterday!) and my sister is not much of a meat eater. So, we were standing at the freezer section where all the turkeys were and saw a turkey roast and thought that would be perfect instead of cooking a whole big turkey. Plus, it would eliminate the need to remove all the guts from the center of the turkey which is always Joe's job while the rest of us stand around and say things like, "OOH gross!" "Disgusting!"

It looked great when I took it out of the wrapper yesterday. It was all wrapped in netting. I placed it in a roaster bag (minimal cleanup I'm thinking) and put it in the oven. Within an hour, the house was filling with the wonderful aroma of roasting turkey. I am not a good cook. To say I'm an adequate cook would be a stretch. I hate to cook. So, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. Have you guys tried those instant mashed potatoes you can buy in the freezer section? They're made by Oreida. The potatoes are skinned and cubed. You just microwave them for ten minutes. Add milk and mash. Now, the house not only smells like roasting turkey, add in the smell of garlic mashed potatoes, stuffing. I'm bragging to everyone how great the meal is turning out and feeling pretty proud of myself. Time to take out the turkey roast.

You probably know where this is going. Oh my gosh! I never saw anything so gross in my life! Have any of you ever made a turkey roast? It's like all the parts of the turkey no one ever eats all held together with netting. Honestly, my stomach is completely back to normal and I almost threw up! We took it straight out to the garbage! Now, everything is done and ready to be eaten, but we have no meat. I thought about calling my neighbor, Mary, and asking if she had enough extra turkey to feed five people, but decided since I don't even seem a little bit sick right now that might be overstepping my bounds.

Off to the store. I've always complained that Safeway is open on Thanksgiving. Those poor people should be home with their families I'd say. I was sure glad they were open yesterday. We ended up buying a cold rotisserie (I'm pretty sure that's spelled wrong, but the spell check isn't fixing it) chicken left over from the day before. "Bet, you're not selling many of these today," I said to the checkout girl. She agreed that was so. Anyway, we sliced it up, heated it in the oven, and dinner was delicious. I was a success after all!

I hope all of your days were wonderful and that you're enjoying your short break.

Love you tons!
Till next time,
Martha

A Thanksgiving Note

2008-11-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

Ok. If you don't like mushy, sentimental posts, just sign off right now because that's the direction this one is going in. I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to think of the right words to express what I wanted to say in an eloquent way and it just wasn't coming to me. I decided today to just speak from my heart. I've read things before where people say that getting cancer was a gift and I kind of scoffed in my mind - "That's the kind of gift I could do without!" I thought to myself. But, now that I'm going through this experience, I know exactly what they're talking about. My sister has always been my best friend and I'd always feel a little sorry for myself that she lived all the way across the country. I'd complain to her on the phone, "I have friends, but not any really good friends," "No one to call up and go to the mall with." Oh my gosh! I was living my life with blinders on! I have been overwhelmed with the genuine love and care and kindness people have demonstrated to me over the last two weeks. When Sheila shared her holy water from Knock, Ireland with me I was touched so deeply. That she would share something so precious with me told me how much she cares about me. Carol called me seconds after I posted the news about my test results and she was crying and laughing and just full of elation and I'm thinking to myself, I was afraid to call and see if she wanted to go to the mall with me? Liesl sends me a note every day filled with chatty news and humor and listens to all I have to say without judgement. I can't even begin to describe the wonderful, inspiring words people have written to me in cards and emails. And, my family has been amazing.

Ok. Now I'm going to get philosophical, so sign off any time you want! So, not one of us knows how many days we have ahead of us. Joey works at Sonic and they just had a fund-raiser this week for a young teenage girl who had been killed in an accident by a drunk, illegal immigrant. That sure puts things into perspective quickly! Because I've gotten this diagnosis, I will live each day I have with new eyes and a new heart. And I'm thankful for that and I'm thankful for each and every one of you who cares so much about me.

Love you all tons!
Till next time,
Martha

My Wig is Here!

2008-11-25T16:54:00.000-08:00

Today has been a good day. The first day since the chemo I've really felt almost my normal self. I still get tired easily, but it's not that overwhelming tiredness where all I can think of is crawling into bed. My stomach has calmed down, I just don't have much appetite. Pam and Janaya took me to Dillards and we had the cosmetics lady help me with some face cream and foundation and while we were there the wig shop called and said my wig was in, so next stop was to pick it up. Janaya's really nice friend, Andrea, cuts my hair regularly and she came over right away and cut and styled the wig so it looks almost like my regular haircut only maybe a little better. Much better than this cut that looks like a two year old did it that I got at the no appointment place! Turbans and hats I ordered a couple of days ago also arrived in the mail today. I tried them on and got a pretty realistic vision of what I'll look like a few days from now. Pam tried to convince me to put one on and go and show Michael and tell him my hair had fallen out while he was at school, but my sense of humor wasn't there yet. Today is day eight and the nurse told me my hair will fall out any time between day ten and fourteen. So, I'm prepared physically and emotionally. Honestly, the wig looks so good I'm almost looking forward to wearing it.

Went to visit my regular doctor for a routine follow up appointment. She didn't know about my diagnosis yet. She told me to be positive, let her know if I got depressed, and gave me a flu shot. I wasn't depressed until I had to get the flu shot! Today was the first day in almost a week where I hadn't been stuck with a needle for one thing or another. It really didn't hurt, it just seems like a good thing to complain about! :>)

A really great thing that has happened as a result of all this is two really great friends from high school have emailed me. (Yes, Kip and Jim, I got your notes and was thrilled! I just haven't had the energy to write back like I want to. And, yes again, Kip, I can soooo picture you on a motorcycle! Send me a picture!).

We sent Joe off to NJ first thing this morning and he arrived safely this afternoon. He sure went with a lot lighter heart knowing the test results were negative.

Janaya is making dinner and her boyfriend, Andrew is coming over to eat.

Sorry this got kind of wordy. I started out thinking I'd write a short post about getting my wig. I'll post a picture when I have to wear it for real the first time.

Till next time,
Love you all tons!
Martha

Great News!

2008-11-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

The doctor's office just called and let us know that both the bone scan and the PET CT scan came back negative! It is hard to describe the relief everyone here is feeling right now. This makes a huge difference in being able to get to the magic day when the doctor's tell us, "There is no evidence of disease." So, THANK YOU EVERYONE who has been praying and sending good thoughts and keeping us in their hearts over the last few days. We are eternally grateful!

Till next time,
Martha

Celebrating Life, One Day at a Time

A final update for Martha, from Joe and Pam,

Summertime Fun!

Good Friends/Good Times

What a Wonderful Week!

A New Puppy!

The Good Times Just Keep Coming!

A Great Weekend!

UGH!!!

A Fun Surprise

First Course of New Chemo Completed

A Good Day!

A Change in Focus

Kind of a Bummer Day

Tucson Update

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

An Overdue Update

An Update from Martha's Sister

An Overdue Update

Not Sure What This New News Means

Good News!

Feeling Better/Still Waiting for Test Results

A Scary Turn of Events

They Did It!

Drains Out!

Another Surgery Done

25th Wedding Anniversary!

The Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk and My Everyday Superheroes

A Short Update and Michael News

A Fantastic Labor Day Weekend!

Tumor Marker Results

Done With Radiation!

A Fabulous First Week of School!

Halfway!

Two Down!

A Quote I Like

One Week Down

Some Beach, Somewhere

Still Waiting to Start Radiation

Speechless!

Everything Plus the Kitchen Sink/Back in Battle Mode/D*#*m

Pathology Results

Home Sweet Home!

In My Room and Doing Great!

Surgery Tomorrow!

Done With Chemo! (Fingers Crossed)

One End is in Sight!

A Wonderful Mother's Day!

Lacrosse Season Comes to an End

Happy 50th Birthday, Joe!

Good News!

An Important Message

Who is That Woman in the Mirror?

Easter

Tucson Update

Highlights From the Hitzel Household

A Song For Joe

MRI Results

The Words

Psshhh....It Happens!

Oh Happy Day!

This and That!

Holding Pattern For Now

I've Started My New Chemo Regimen

Back From Tucson

Good, Maybe Great News, I think?

I Just Don't Know

Happy Birthday, Joey!

Tucson Medical Update

I Love My Book Club!

Joey is Moved In!

New Update

A Busy, Emotional Week

Inspiring Words

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Update From the Doctor

Slowly Turning the Corner

Change in Treatment Plan

Hugs and Laughter, the Best Medicine!

Feeling Better!

Everything Plus the Kitchen Sink/Back in Battle Mode/D#m